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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Friday" data-source="post: 1720203" data-attributes="member: 27208">More often, when I’m doing badly, I live on the very edge of it. Willing to kick into fight or flight with the least provocation. A leaf blows under a car? I don’t stop for even the fraction of a second needed to assess & dismiss (or assess & take appropriate action) what hit my alarms, I’m down & rolling.It’s vexing as hell. Try folding the laundry when every instinct is screaming at you with the same intensity that the house is on fire. Do you reach for the next shirt and casually fold it when your house is actually of fire? f*ck that noise. That’s a whole ‘nother brand of crazy (that at least I can be grateful for not having). You grab the people you love best, and maybe even a few you love least ;) and exit at speed. You don’t just stand your happy ass in front of the stupid clean clothes and look for matching socks.((As an aside, this is why ALL my socks match. Same brand, same color, just dumped by the armload into the same drawer. No matching required. Open a drawer, grab 2. When 1 wears out? Toss it. Buy new ones? Add ‘em to the drawer. I refuse to spend even 1 iota of self control -or second of time in my life wasted- matching socks. Nope. Huh-uh. Ain’t gonna happen. Not when I’m doing well, and no way in hell if every alarm in my head is screaming at me.))On the edge of fight or flight?-  I’m in the land of hypervigilance (vigilance? Useful. Hypervigilance? Not useful)- anxiety attacks & anxiety just running hot in general (shakes, shits, & pukes, oh my! // and let’s not forget concentration that would make a syphilitic gnat with ADHD look scholarly & relaxed // being cold all the time, hungry never, sleeping one of those, homeostasis für scheisse),- emotional dysreg that looks like a freaking heart monitor (over & underreacting)- disassociation stuck somewhere in between tunnel vision & caricatures- ditto on disassociation? Stuck just BEFORE being useful? The past doesn’t fall away (just a LEEEETLE more adrenaline and everything will smooth out as the past falls away, the present falls away, and there is only THIS, this moment in time, in perfect clarity, as what needs doing gets done) only any sense of the future leaving the present a foggy murky morass of past & present sort of jumbled together.- & maybe half a dozen other things, but talking about disassociation always threatens to cross my eyes half permanentlyIt’s not a happy place... living on the edge.The only time I’ve actually kicked into fight or flight for longer than a few hours or few days... was a panic attack that got “stuck” for 5 months. Any other time I’ve been living in flight or fight, rather than the edge of it, there’s been cause.</blockquote>

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