Angelwings
MyPTSD Pro
I figured, I am up with flashbacks, so what the heck. Here's my story...
My biological father and my mom got divorced when I was 5 months old. Three years later my mom married my dad, who adopted me later, at the age of four. When the judge asked if I wanted him to be my dad, I said yes, because I thought he was my dad. He was the only dad I had ever known. Some time shortly after that he started to abuse me, I don't know when exactly, but he would come in at night and (trigger alert) anally rape me. I don't remember what was the first time or how often it happened. My T thinks it only happened maybe several times, but not every night. I remember not understanding why I hurt so badly or what he was doing to me. I remember that at some point he told me that if I said anything the authorities would take me away from my family and give me to someone else. I said nothing about the abuse.
The last time I remember him doing it was when I was 9, and he made me bleed really badly, my mom was out of town, not that that makes a difference. After that he would still sexually abuse me, orally and touching, things like that. If I made a sound he would hurt me worse. I once said, "you're hurting me" and he responded with, "good." I remember staring at the ceiling and pretending I was somewhere else, crawling through cracks in the walls, dissociating...he abused me until I left home when I was 17. I was in therapy starting when I was 13, but never told my therapist until I was 30. She had her suspicions, but I couldn't even get the works out of my mouth until I was worried he might abuse my son, too. He was 2 at the time, and nothing ever happened to him nor will he ever be alone in a room with that man. I won't let him hurt my child. I wonder if my mom knew.
She says that it couldn't have happened because they had a water bed at the time and she would have woken if he had gotten out of bed...guess what...she didn't. She choses to believe I made it up and that my dad is the victim. It would be too hard on her to admit what really happened. You marry a man who is 20 years older than you and you don't think that's a little odd? His oldest daughter has also accused him of similar things, but has been branded the crazy one in the family, just like me. She is schizophrenic and hears Jesus in the shower, so that doesn't really help my cause.
So there you go. I did it. I told my story and I'm still alive. I will get better for my son, if not for anything else. Thanks for listening.
My biological father and my mom got divorced when I was 5 months old. Three years later my mom married my dad, who adopted me later, at the age of four. When the judge asked if I wanted him to be my dad, I said yes, because I thought he was my dad. He was the only dad I had ever known. Some time shortly after that he started to abuse me, I don't know when exactly, but he would come in at night and (trigger alert) anally rape me. I don't remember what was the first time or how often it happened. My T thinks it only happened maybe several times, but not every night. I remember not understanding why I hurt so badly or what he was doing to me. I remember that at some point he told me that if I said anything the authorities would take me away from my family and give me to someone else. I said nothing about the abuse.
The last time I remember him doing it was when I was 9, and he made me bleed really badly, my mom was out of town, not that that makes a difference. After that he would still sexually abuse me, orally and touching, things like that. If I made a sound he would hurt me worse. I once said, "you're hurting me" and he responded with, "good." I remember staring at the ceiling and pretending I was somewhere else, crawling through cracks in the walls, dissociating...he abused me until I left home when I was 17. I was in therapy starting when I was 13, but never told my therapist until I was 30. She had her suspicions, but I couldn't even get the works out of my mouth until I was worried he might abuse my son, too. He was 2 at the time, and nothing ever happened to him nor will he ever be alone in a room with that man. I won't let him hurt my child. I wonder if my mom knew.
She says that it couldn't have happened because they had a water bed at the time and she would have woken if he had gotten out of bed...guess what...she didn't. She choses to believe I made it up and that my dad is the victim. It would be too hard on her to admit what really happened. You marry a man who is 20 years older than you and you don't think that's a little odd? His oldest daughter has also accused him of similar things, but has been branded the crazy one in the family, just like me. She is schizophrenic and hears Jesus in the shower, so that doesn't really help my cause.
So there you go. I did it. I told my story and I'm still alive. I will get better for my son, if not for anything else. Thanks for listening.
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