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Finally Going To Share

Angelwings

MyPTSD Pro
I figured, I am up with flashbacks, so what the heck. Here's my story...

My biological father and my mom got divorced when I was 5 months old. Three years later my mom married my dad, who adopted me later, at the age of four. When the judge asked if I wanted him to be my dad, I said yes, because I thought he was my dad. He was the only dad I had ever known. Some time shortly after that he started to abuse me, I don't know when exactly, but he would come in at night and (trigger alert) anally rape me. I don't remember what was the first time or how often it happened. My T thinks it only happened maybe several times, but not every night. I remember not understanding why I hurt so badly or what he was doing to me. I remember that at some point he told me that if I said anything the authorities would take me away from my family and give me to someone else. I said nothing about the abuse.

The last time I remember him doing it was when I was 9, and he made me bleed really badly, my mom was out of town, not that that makes a difference. After that he would still sexually abuse me, orally and touching, things like that. If I made a sound he would hurt me worse. I once said, "you're hurting me" and he responded with, "good." I remember staring at the ceiling and pretending I was somewhere else, crawling through cracks in the walls, dissociating...he abused me until I left home when I was 17. I was in therapy starting when I was 13, but never told my therapist until I was 30. She had her suspicions, but I couldn't even get the works out of my mouth until I was worried he might abuse my son, too. He was 2 at the time, and nothing ever happened to him nor will he ever be alone in a room with that man. I won't let him hurt my child. I wonder if my mom knew.

She says that it couldn't have happened because they had a water bed at the time and she would have woken if he had gotten out of bed...guess what...she didn't. She choses to believe I made it up and that my dad is the victim. It would be too hard on her to admit what really happened. You marry a man who is 20 years older than you and you don't think that's a little odd? His oldest daughter has also accused him of similar things, but has been branded the crazy one in the family, just like me. She is schizophrenic and hears Jesus in the shower, so that doesn't really help my cause.

So there you go. I did it. I told my story and I'm still alive. I will get better for my son, if not for anything else. Thanks for listening.
 
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@Secret I too was sexually and physically abused by my father from age 5 until I went into foster care at 16. It is a trauma not easily told to everyone so I commend you for telling your story. My childhood was hell I don't even know how I survived it. I wanted to end my life every day. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted him to stop.

Anyways wow this is hard ( panic attack coming) I understand
We can get through this together
 
Wow... The details you used in your post were really triggering to say the least, I had to take some time for myself before responding. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience with all of us. I too was sexually abused and often dissociated. You are very brave for writing all that you wrote and it was very inspiring to read. And motivating too.
 
While my abuse was not directly a parental doing the abuse, my parents made decisions that ultimately cause my childhood sexual abuse. The first abuser was a male; while I remember vividly how the abuse started there are some gaps which for me (and mine) may be from burying the abuse for many years after the abuse was brought to the end. The second abuser was a female and was a school mate of the male. I was biologically 6 or maybe 7 when the abuse started, developmentally I was much younger when the abuse occurred. I know that I did disassociate during the abuse. What I do recall is that there was more abuse from the male than that of the female. At around the age of 8 (I think in ways I began to realize how powerless the constant empty threats were that a constant with the male along with the empty promises that never manifested leading me to realize that I had to break the vicious cycle I was trapped in. At one point my mother had questioned me about something and I responded "We have a secret." based on her reaction to that dialogue I knew that she was not who I needed to tell. (I'm sure we all know well, "if mom says "No!" go ask dad... One evening when the parents had evening plans and were going to go pick up the male, I had vocally announced that I didn't want either the male OR the female babysitting me. (I still hate that terminology) I had turned 8! anyway, my dad and I left the house and then went to a spot and parked. For what seemed like an eternity, and was maybe an hour + we talked and I revealed EVERYTHING that had occurred. Once he was satisfied, we went home and he told my mom. At the time too, one of the motivators for me breaking this was knowing I had a younger sibling in the house that I didn't want have to go through what I experienced.

Whew! That was the first childhood event. There are two more that I will share another time. I am glad I feel comfortable here to be able to post this. Maybe elsewhere I will fill in the gaps that I feel I semi intentionally left out.
 
Wow, this diary post from 2014 is pretty intense! I don't even remember writing it, but reading it was for sure triggering. I'm not even sure where to go from there!
 
I've been wondering about why I have times where I believe I'm a child again, and I cannot remember what happens while I believe that. I answer to my name, so I don't think I'm a child with another name, like another personality. It happens when I have a flashback or really intense body memories. I just lose time. When I was seeing my old therapist, I would have hours go by with no idea of what I had done. It hasn't lasted for days, maybe the longest it's lasted has been 12 hours. My old therapist would just stay with me, or have me stay in a safe place while she finished seeing clients. I don't know if it's happened like that outside of therapy since maybe 2010. I asked my old therapist if I had DID and she said no. She never explained what it was and I still don't have a good explanation for it, and even though I've started threads here about it, I've never been able to find someone who has had the same experience. I know everyone is different, but I would like some kind of a diagnosis. I'm wondering if I should share this with my new therapist. I'm also afraid of doing that and having her say that I am an unfit mother because of it. I have little trust for people, so it's hard for me to bring it up with her. Maybe I should just write her an email. My mother is unstable and seeks attention, and once she called the police and said that I was neglecting my son, that I didn't clean my apartment and that it was so bad there, that it wasn't safe for my son to live there. She also told them that I didn't feed my son. The police came by, and I was just finishing up vacuuming when I answered the door. The cop looked inside and told me what the accusations were, and that they could see that my apartment was fine. They asked if I had food in the fridge, and I said yes, and invited them to look, but they said it wasn't necessary and that they would report what they found, but the report would stay on my record forever. SO ANYWAY, I don't trust that people will not try and find me incapable of caring for my child, and take him away.

I did take this questionnaire thing online for dissociative disorders and it said that my score was high for DID. I don't know what to think now.
 
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