This week has been a good one because I finally had my first appt (virtual) with my new T. I liked her and I am glad I waited the 3 months to get an appt with her. I had sent her a number of my posts from this site ahead of the session and I think that helped her get up to speed a little. I now have a weekly appt with her and for the first time in months I feel positive.
One observation she had which I believe is probably true, that a lot of my PTSD stems from my inability to forgive myself for not speaking up about my abuse at 10yo. Yes, I know it makes no sense to blame ones self for not speaking up to protect myself at 10 years old. If I were speaking with someone else who relayed that to me I would absolutely tell them that they are the victim and at 10 they did not have the maturity to understand what was happening.
That does not change the fact that I do indeed blame myself and harshly for not protecting myself from a pedophile at 10. Makes no sense whatsoever but it is buried so deeply in my psyche that I can not escape it.
One observation she had which I believe is probably true, that a lot of my PTSD stems from my inability to forgive myself for not speaking up about my abuse at 10yo. Yes, I know it makes no sense to blame ones self for not speaking up to protect myself at 10 years old. If I were speaking with someone else who relayed that to me I would absolutely tell them that they are the victim and at 10 they did not have the maturity to understand what was happening.
That does not change the fact that I do indeed blame myself and harshly for not protecting myself from a pedophile at 10. Makes no sense whatsoever but it is buried so deeply in my psyche that I can not escape it.