Finally opening up

[JustMeAndMyMind]

OK, so this is scaring the hell out of me even just writing this, but I'm hoping writing it down will help with 1, my own fear of judgement and 2, be at least part of processing the trauma. I've tried to write this here a million times and keep deleting it.

I'll apologise now because this is epically long.
Our beautiful miracle baby died. I suffered a huge placental abruption and she was born a few weeks too early to be saved. I had to have emergency surgery after. She was our miracle because we'd tried for a very long time, and lost several babies along the way.
The hospital staff, well let's just say no one should ever be treated that way. Initially ignored and assumed I was an over reactive mother but i knew something was very wrong and went to the emergency room. I've never felt so humiliated, ashamed or violated in my life. To this day certain phrases or physical actions make me feel physically sick. My parter in total shock was basically pushed aside like he wasn't important. They tried to get me out of hospital not long after surgery, before I'd even been allowed to see or hold my baby girl. The chaplain was our saving grace, and we're not even particularly religious. He was kind, caring, and understood our grief.
I made a complaint against the hospital on the advice of our doctor. They hid behind red tape and pushed everything under the carpet. "We're sorry you feel that way. we'll try to do better"
Fertility Initially counsellor told me and my partner I'd become "a basket case" if I didn't find something to do. This was maybe 4wks after she'd died. If my partner wasn't there I swear no one would have ever believed me.
Next round of treatment was different drugs, and was hideous to say the least. Yes I got pregnant, and lost the baby the same day of the pregnancy test.
There is very little hope of another baby for us at all for various reasons now.
We've faced A LOT of incompetence, and a huge amount of judgement for not being silent and not "getting over it".

I can't even begin to say how badly I still and will forever miss my girl, and the little babies we never got to meet, as does my partner. It's another one of those you only know if you know kinda situations. I have a lot of support from a baby loss organisation in the UK, but most don't understand ptsd. Those I've spoken with about ptsd don't understand the loss of a child. In both cases, I'm grateful they don't, but boy is it lonely over here.

Grief counselling was very helpful, but I had no idea I was experiencing ptsd for many years.

So that's my verion of hell.
Ffs I feel sick even posting this. I know we're not allowed trigger warnings, and fully understand why, but if this is upsetting to anyone I'm truly sorry and sending you all our love and support.

 

[Weemie]

Very sorry for what brought you here. I live in a small maritime city & let me tell you I have witnessed the gamut of medical incompetence. I believe every word and then some. I'm so sorry u had to deal with so much absolute cruelty and lack of compassion. On top of the grief of losing ur kid. It's a devastating loss. I personally do not have children & have not lost a child but I can witness ur pain in front of me & see it is very real & deserves the utmost respect, not the shit u got at the hospital. Hugs 2 u if u accept em and welcome! This is a great start on ur diary. Also this may be weird coming from a stranger but I am super proud of u both for not being silent. f*ck these clinicians and their god complexes. They should all be in jail IMO.

 

[Survivor3]

Hiya @JustMeAndMyMind welcome to the site 😊. I'm sorry for your loss but grateful you found us.

 

[JustMeAndMyMind]

Very sorry for what brought you here. I live in a small maritime city & let me tell you I have witnessed the gamut of medical incompetence. I believe every word and then some. I'm so sorry u had to deal with so much absolute cruelty and lack of compassion. On top of the grief of losing ur kid. It's a devastating loss. I personally do not have children & have not lost a child but I can witness ur pain in front of me & see it is very real & deserves the utmost respect, not the shit u got at the hospital. Hugs 2 u if u accept em and welcome! This is a great start on ur diary. Also this may be weird coming from a stranger but I am super proud of u both for not being silent. f*ck these clinicians and their god complexes. They should all be in jail IMO.

Ironically, the medical profession weren't half as bad with the judgement as the rest of society was (and still is in some respects). Its almost like the death of a child is just too horrible to think about so no one wants to hear it and wants you to be quiet. I'm grateful things are slowly changing as more awareness is raised on the effects on parents and whole families when a child dies, or even any other death for that matter. Sadly it took a pandemic for people to admit grief is horrific and support is paramount for those who need it

 

[Weemie]

Its almost like the death of a child is just too horrible to think about so no one wants to hear it and wants you to be quiet.

Yea, I would agree with this. I think grief in general is something that we as human beings are just bad at. It's something our brains don't know how to process, what it means when people die, so we just get the whole range and spectrum of irrational responses. I don't know what it's like to lose my kid but I have seen plenty of death (and child death) in my day. And my brain to this day doesn't know how to handle it and I have many experiences of others being unable to bear listening to my trauma. Here you u are among ppl who may not necessarily have the same experiences but we do get it & we do want to hear about it.

 

[JustMeAndMyMind]

Yea, I would agree with this. I think grief in general is something that we as human beings are just bad at. It's something our brains don't know how to process, what it means when people die, so we just get the whole range and spectrum of irrational responses. I don't know what it's like to lose my kid but I have seen plenty of death (and child death) in my day. And my brain to this day doesn't know how to handle it and I have many experiences of others being unable to bear listening to my trauma. Here you u are among ppl who may not necessarily have the same experiences but we do get it & we do want to hear about it.

Oh definitely, over the years where life expectancy grew, our ability to deal with death significantly lessened! In victorian days my baby would have been posed for photos with us, dressed beautifully and familiy/friends visiting with condolences and goodbyes to our little girl. Instead it was very much, well it happens you need to move on, everything happens for a reason, you can try again, at least you didn't know them, it wasn't really a baby etc etc etc because we've become so accustomed to downplaying grief and trauma so not to feel uncomfortable that these awful anecdotes flow straight off the tongue

 

[Weemie]

Oh yeah thats a great point too. When the life expectancy of humans was less than it is today I think we took death a lot less "for granted." Now it's "oh it's an oopsie." Especially if it's a more "close-to-birth" death.

Personally, I'm someone who struggles with affective empathy, so I don't truly know what it would be like to be sad for my child to die. I have witnessed so much death that most of the time, I'm like "meh. Death, it happens." And I don't really like that about myself because intellectually, I know that human lives matter. They're the most important thing. Morally, ethically, it's the most important thing.

I really can't access the empathetic sensations of those feelings. But intellectually, the fact that they were a very-young child, doesn't mean they're not a child. And their death is just as meaningful and just as important as if they were older. So to me its silly that even if I can understand this someone who is supposed to be "empathetic," it should be a no-brainer. But I suppose that maybe the empathy itself is the curse. It's so painful to think about, like u said, that people just suppress it.

I can imagine intellectually, being a mom, being pregnant, giving birth, and I am sure you had plenty of plans for the child and names and goals and all that shit that parents have during pregnancy and to literally give birth and then lose them. Intellectually that just seems f*cking evident to me. That it's a big deal, that it matters, that ppl should take it seriously.

Anyway sorry, as well, if I'm coming across blunt. The "social" part of shit is still a hit and miss for me, heh. But not intending harm at all.

 

[JustMeAndMyMind]

Oh yeah thats a great point too. When the life expectancy of humans was less than it is today I think we took death a lot less "for granted." Now it's "oh it's an oopsie." Especially if it's a more "close-to-birth" death.

Personally, I'm someone who struggles with affective empathy, so I don't truly know what it would be like to be sad for my child to die. I have witnessed so much death that most of the time, I'm like "meh. Death, it happens." And I don't really like that about myself because intellectually, I know that human lives matter. They're the most important thing. Morally, ethically, it's the most important thing.

I really can't access the empathetic sensations of those feelings. But intellectually, the fact that they were a very-young child, doesn't mean they're not a child. And their death is just as meaningful and just as important as if they were older. So to me its silly that even if I can understand this someone who is supposed to be "empathetic," it should be a no-brainer. But I suppose that maybe the empathy itself is the curse. It's so painful to think about, like u said, that people just suppress it.

I can imagine intellectually, being a mom, being pregnant, giving birth, and I am sure you had plenty of plans for the child and names and goals and all that shit that parents have during pregnancy and to literally give birth and then lose them. Intellectually that just seems f*cking evident to me. That it's a big deal, that it matters, that ppl should take it seriously.

Anyway sorry, as well, if I'm coming across blunt. The "social" part of shit is still a hit and miss for me, heh. But not intending harm at all.

No harm there at all, honestly. I really appreciate your honestly and logically acknowledging that grief is painful. And you hit the nail on the head with all the plans and hopes for the future. Don't don't loose just one person in your life, you loose all the firsts, the milestones, who they'll become and every day thereafter with them. All I ever wanted was to watch her grow up.
I once had someone ask what they should say to their friend who's baby has just died. I said I'm sorry, I don't know what to say other than I don't understand what you're going through but I'm here with you. She immediately said "I can't say that! That's not helpful!" What she didn't realise is no one can "fix it", but being there means the world when you're aline in the dark

 

[Weemie]

She immediately said "I can't say that! That's not helpful!"

Oooooooooooof. Yeah. The big flaw there is assuming you can help in the first place. Like what the f*ck is anyone going to say that makes it all better? If only, right? Neh. It's painful, and shitty, and we don't have a cure. All we can do is just be here in the shitty pain. And even that doesn't feel like enough. Like planks of wood in a hurricane. But we'll batten down the hatches and interlock fingers.

I think that part is being human too. Not every human is going to get it, especially those who just have no conception of loss at all. For me I know what loss is like cuz I've seen it in front of me. It's not really my loss but I still grieve it bcuz it was meaningful to me. But there are those of us, in the very smallest moments, who do know exactly what it's like. To lose a kid.

I know there are folks here who know that pain. It aint me but at least I can sit here, but I know there are ppl who do get that exact thing. Not everyone is going to get it at every moment but I think as time does pass your "people" so to speak, you will find those, and thru sharing it together, it probably won't even get easier, but at least there might be a sense that you're not in this hideous storm alone.