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First date with a man since abuse PLS HELP

Thread starter #1
Okay excuse my french but im flipping the f*ck out. I have a date scheduled for tomorrow. Its currently 3 am and I cant sleep because of the anxiety and anticipation. This is my first time talking to someone or going on a date with someone since my ex boyfriend. Im so scared. My heart and my gut want me to go but my head keeps telling me that he is going to hurt me just like my ex did. I trust him but at the same time I don’t trust anyone anymore. What if he tries to harm me and I cant leave? And if he tries to kiss me or touch me, what if im triggered and start panicking? He doesnt know that my ex boyfriend was abusive, should I tell him? I really like him and I want this to go well but im so terrified of interacting with him. I dont know if I can go through with it. I trust him but I trusted my ex too and that got me into this mess. So far there are no red flags, which maybe is a red flag within itself? He has been really patient with me as I cancelled our first two dates. He seems like a nice guy. But it could all just be a front so he can get what he wants from me. I dont know why but I have the overwhelming feeling to cry right now. I should probably give him a chance but what if I do and he ends up being the exact same? What if all I attract are abusive guys?
 
Thread starter #3
Why do you trust him?
Well we have been talking for a while and he has been really patient with me. We were supposed to have 2 different dates already but I cancelled both and he was very understanding and he actually stuck around. I also told him that I do not want to hook up and he said that it didnt matter and thats not what he was looking for. Overall everytime ive had an issue with my anxiety or mental health he has understood and been 100% okay with it and me. He also hasnt told me that he likes me yet which is really good to me because my ex told me that within 2 days of talking and everything with my ex happened really fast but now things are actually going slow. He is really easy to talk to and my mental health problems don’t seem to bother him.

Why do you trust him?
But now that you ask me that I wonder if those are valid reasons for trusting him? Or is he just showing me the bare minimum that my ex did not and thats why I am trusting him?
 
#4
Well we have been talking for a while
A few years? So you really know and understand his character, and have seen how he handles different situations/ people/ stressors/ challenges/ successes/ failures/ friends/ family/ exes/ strangers/ kids/ pets/ et al? IE This is a friend or acquaintance you know really well, and whilst dating them would be a new thing with lots of new things to learn about him (dating someone is very different from being friends with someone!), you feel as if you know him well enough to trust him in most areas?

NOTHING WRONG with talking for someone for 20 seconds on the street, or a few weeks online, and accepting a date with them. Some of my favorite boyfriends I knew for seconds before we were making plans to get to know each other better. Spark? Certainly. Trust? Absolutely not.

Dates with people you know & trust -vs- dates with people you really don’t know at all? Are handled differently, is all.

Case in point?
What if he tries to harm me and I cant leave?
Don’t go anywhere with him that you can’t leave. Don’t share a car / don’t be picked up from your home. Don’t meet or go anywhere private. Stick to public places, that you can simply stand up and leave, should you desire to. (Similarly? Don’t park somewhere secluded. It can be a pain to find parking in busy areas, but you don’t want to leave a public area for a private one, in order to go home.) <<< This isn’t dating for freakazoid scaredy cats, it’s dating101. It’s what “everyone” does, and is why first dates are usually for coffee in the middle of the day or dinner at a restaurant kind of thing. Meet in public, and well populated if not well-lit.

Versus a date with a friend/acquaintance that you’ve already spent heaps of time around them in public, in private, their home, your home, ridden places together in cars... it would be silly to follow the same rules as dating someone you don’t know. And vice versa.
He is really easy to talk to and my mental health problems don’t seem to bother him.
Reasons to get to know him better? Sure!
Reasons to trust him? I wouldn’t think so.

Again, not a bad thing, to not trust someone you have no reason TO trust. You like him, so far. Start there. Don’t try to put the cart in front of the horse and trust him before you know him & have good reason to trust him.
 
Thread starter #5
Reasons to get to know him better? Sure!
Reasons to trust him? I wouldn’t think so.
Wow that really put a lot into perspective for me. I am too trusting of people. I trust them like I trusted my dad when I was a kid haha.

Thank you so much for everything you had to say. I need to stop giving people my trust when they have not earned it.

I think I am going to cancel again. I know it is just a date but I am still terrified and now I realize I have no actual reason to trust him. I don't think I am ready to be romantically involved with anyone yet. I think I will be better off staying home.
 
#6
I am too trusting of people. I trust them like I trusted my dad when I was a kid haha.
Cha. The black&white all-or-nothing thinking thing is a pain in the ass.

I went through a few years of that on the trust thing. Until someone pointed out to me that trusting everyone? Is exactly the same as trusting no one. :bag: It requires no thinking on my part. No judgment calls. No learning. No observation. No waiting. All in or all out. Nope. Crappy way to live. Kk! Let’s work on this one! Took awhile. With LOTS of practice. Because this isn’t one of those things that can be learned in isolation. It actually requires having other people around, and making those judgment calls (being both right AND wrong about them), and observing, and learning, adjusting, readjusting, waiting.... ugh. I HATE waiting! :banghead: Getting hurt. Being okay. Learning/Relearning how to trust myself and my own judgment.

Because:

Either I trust him completely and he’s amazing -or- he’s an abusive asshole not to be trusted!!!

Isn’t anyone I’ve ever known in real life. Real people are complicated. No one brushes their teeth like a villain, or gets mad like an angel. Okay. Maybe some do ;) But most people appear mostly normal most of the time. Sorting out which of those mostly-normal people I actually WANT in my life? Is a skill. And a skill requires practice.
 
#9
I tried online dating after my divorce and had a grand total of two dates from guys i met online, both of them equally awful. Then I attracted a stream of men into my life that hit on me. All of them married. I realized that if I ever hope to have a healthy relationship and a kind and loving man- which is what I deserve and want- then I had better get to work on me. I avoided facing the original trauma in my life- physical abuse by my Dad- until 6 years later, which is now. I get it now. I have to do some really deep healing before I will even go on a date with a man. I stood next to one yesterday and had a conversation and it was all i could do to stand there and be present. So please...be patient and don't rush it and pay attention to what comes up in your life and face it.
 
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