Relationship First time post

Hoping to gain some insight and advice.

I recently meet a man who has complex ptsd and depression. We meet on a dating website and instantly hit it off. First day we exchanged numbers and he asked me out on a date. First date was canceled due to his son being ill. Second date canceled due to himself being ill. I was hesitant in believing that and it caused a minor set back.

We regrouped and continued talking. Conversations were always excellent. I always listened to him and showed him comparison. He opened up a lot to me and said he finally meet someone who understands him. He thinks I’m amazing. We both openly admit to adoring the other and being smitten as well. We joked about the future and joked about marriage.

So we finally meet had our first date last night. It was an amazing night. We in my opinion made a genuine connection. He at that time wanted to make it official. And said he was all in. We do have some distance between us living wise. We are 90 minutes away. He said it’s nothing. Ill take the hit. I didn’t think I’d feel this way about you so fast. But I’m in. Ill do whatever it takes to make this work. I said are you sure. He said yes. I know you feel it too. I did feel it as well. And said ok I’m in too. We established as a couple.

Th night was amazing. My birthday was that Saturday. The date night turned into an all night date and birthday breakfast at his favorite diner in his town. That Sunday he came down and spent all day with me and my kids. Before any of this I made sure he was ready. And he said yes absolutely. We all had a great time here. My kids liked him. He looked very happy and content. I asked him are you ok. He said yes. He said ill be back Wednesday and I’ll stay the night with you. Of course I said ok.

Monday I felt sick so we didn’t talk much. Tuesday we connected I was offered a new job. So I was super excited to tell him. He is aware my goal is too moved up the state. He a couple of months ago requested a transfer to my state. I said to him. When I move and if you get this transfer and move we will only be 45 miles away with a smile. I mentioned the company I work for has offices near the area he is looking for down the line I could possibly transfer and then ..... silence. He stopped talking. So naturally I became concerned and contacted him. Nothing the rest of the day. Tried Wednesday a few times. Saying if something is wrong you can talk to me. Called him left him a message that I was concerned.

He texted me that he was having attacks frequent since yesterday , I need space ..talking about what we talked about made me feel overwhelmed. I said Ok , do you need me to contact someone. He said ok. My cousin is on her way. He stated he stepped way out of his comfort zone with everything. He said with ptsd you need to feel save. He took awhile to feel safe in his apartment. Not that you or your kids are unsafe but I need to get acclimated like a gold fish in water. I said ok. That future talk was like 3 or 4 years from now. I said I made sure to ask if you were ready before coming over. I said you need space. He said yes. I said ok.

He never defined the space or set guidelines on time. So I checked in on him by one text and one, just said thinking of you hope you are feeling better. With silence back into return. Friday I was frustrated, it already been 3 days. I believe in communication and being able to still talk. I don’t like radio silence or the silent treatment. I feel it causes more harm then good. I said Friday we have to talk , you can’t keep me in the dark. Nothing.

So this is why I’m here today.. we got into a blow out this morning. He still has his dating profile open. I deactivated mines before meeting and definitely didn’t need it after we established as a short lived couple. I said to him nice to see your options are still open. And also sent him a photo of his social media page showing he was in a relationship dated may. I noticed it previously but kept it too myself.

Finally he responded to me and said I asked for space and you can’t give it too me. I instinct on moving at the speed Of light which makes him wildly uncomfortable. I never said I was going to delete my dating page the way you were moving gave me concerns. If you had brought up my profile you’d know at that time I got over zealous with someone and it ended poorly and I never changed my page. I asked for space. I am having nightly and daily attacks and he told me I was making them worse. I said back this is not my fault and it’s not fair to blame me. I never forced you into anything. You were all in. Then panic on me and take flight. I was like new relationships are scary. I’m scared too but here. I said do you want to end things. Delete each other and move on ... he said I asked for space this is not space. I said don’t worry you won’t hear from me it was a poor move blaming me. He slammed me and said that’s all you heard. You have a victims mentally and need to seek help. You asked what I wanted I told you space and you ignore me completely and that hurt me the most Because you don’t understand . I said you did blame me indirectly, all the things you said had me attached to it. And that doesn’t hurt me. I said I did give you space but we never defined what that space would be. I felt the check in were ok. So you’d know I was concerned for you and still here. I said he have crashed and burned and have started at one.

We are both unhappy right now and need to keep / stay away. My intentions were never too hurt you. He told me his condition the first night. I said ok that’s fine. I feel like I’ve been supportive and understanding. He even complimented and said his lucky to have me because I’m supportive.

But now I don’t understand and am making him feel worse. I don’t know a lot about his condition. When we established I started researching to get more information about complex ptsd and relationships. I joined a support group on Facebook when he shut down on me. That hurt to hear I don’t understand when I’ve been nothing but understanding. I didn’t run when he first told me. When we had a bump. I was still there. I don’t need a gold medal or a star but don’t tell me I don’t understand

I don’t know what’s going to happen here and If we will reconnect. I think and know his an amazing man and care about him greatly. I don’t want to give up on him.

How do I manage things moving forward? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Age/ detail reference I’m 42 with 2 kids. His 39 with one child. Divorced 2 years ago.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Have you only met twice? I found it difficult to read without paragraphs. But I'd honestly say if you have deal-breaker problems this early, I recommend cutting your losses n moving on.

It sucks when you have built up a relationship with someone, but unless you are willing to tolerate this long term, it's most likely better to give up now.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Ptsd aside for a moment, don't you think maybe you've rushed into something and made a commitment far to early with someone that you don't even know very well? That's way too early to even find out of your good friends with someone let alone a future loving partner in my opinion.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
This is . . . intense lol. Not to be mean, but this is way too much way too fast. I personally (as a person with CPTSD) would feel suffocated and rushed and it wouldn’t be healthy at all. I would need to back off as well. Also, daily texts- obviously he should communicate with you what his limits and wants are but personally I’d feel suffocated by needing to perform daily when I’m trying to decompress and get my bearings.
 
Ptsd aside for a moment, don't you think maybe you've rushed into something and made a commitment far to early with someone that you don't even know very well? That's way too early to even find out of your good friends with someone let alone a future loving partner in my opinion.
He was all for it and I said are you sure you are
This is . . . intense lol. Not to be mean, but this is way too much way too fast. I personally (as a person with CPTSD) would feel suffocated and rushed and it wouldn’t be healthy at all. I would need to back off as well. Also, daily texts- obviously he should communicate with you what his limits and wants are but personally I’d feel suffocated by needing to perform daily when I’m trying to decompress and get my bearings.
This is what he wanted lol. He wanted to pursue the relationship and jump in. Then blamed me for rushing. That’s the uncool part lol.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
He was all for it and I said are you sure you are

This is what he wanted lol. He wanted to pursue the relationship and jump in. Then blamed me for rushing. That’s the uncool part lol.

It takes two to tango, so you both rushed and I agree he should have been more communicative about that and well taken a lot more time. It’s also on you, not for his feelings about it, but on the implosion of the potential relationship by rushing. Also, you mentioned you both have kids- what was the plan surrounding them? I feel like they would benefit from a slow and steady thing of meeting this person several times as a friend, slowly buildup to hey this is moms boyfriend and *then* talk about moving in and again do it slowly. I’m not saying he’s guilt free here, but I just think this was kind of doomed from the start and could have benefited from a lot more communication and time.
 
Maybe you guys just have a different view of what "jumping all in" means?

Definitely worth seeking your own therapy for input on this imo.
We wanted to pursue the relationship and make it work. He said he was all in. And would do whatever it takes because I expressed concern in the distance aspect of things. And I said to him are you sure. He said yes.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
He said he was all in. And would do whatever it takes because I expressed concern in the distance aspect of things. And I said to him are you sure. He said yes.
What does "all in" mean to you? And what does it mean to him? Do those align?

If not, is it worth pursuing? Cos from this week long relationship it appears that your priorities differ in some ways
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
That we would focus on the relationship and build it. And see where the new journey would lead us.
Okay. I think I'll probably be out after this message. But I'm trying to say that sometimes in relationships (PTSD or otherwise) goals and what constitutes a relationship don't line up. Nowt against either person, just how things go.

It doesn't appear that this was clarified and I recommend your own personal therapy to handle this break up.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Well the new journey didn't lead either of you very far did it? So obviously there are some very challenging issues there on both sides. It doesn't really sound like your very compatible.
 
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