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Fixated Thinking: Do You Act On It?

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dharmaBum

MyPTSD Pro
It's been one year plus of constant, strong PTSD symptoms for me. Lately I get fixated on specific details of my traumatic experiences (primarily 5 years of childhood sexual abuse w/sadistic elements) or of the offender's potential other victims.

This causes me to pour over court documents, FBI profiling materials, and internet search engines looking for clues about how to expose the criminal in my case and/or hold him accountable and/or make sure he stops his pedophilic assaults. Although his time was served in my case, he certainly did not make ammends and heavily minimized what he had done to me in disclosure with family members. However, he's in prison for a new, similar crime at the moment, awaiting appeal.

This morning I read a court-related transcript regarding the crime he is currently doing time for in which the father of the child assaulted says that he thought the perpetrator possibly forced two children into sexual contact in his presence while they were spending an overnight at his house. As far as I know, there is no charge related to this.

In the past, this fixated thinking of mine resulted in presentation to the prosecution of photographs of the perp. and child posted on his myspace profile that law enforcement had not seen.

My counselor suggested that the fixation is a form of hypervilligilance that is protective.

I think this perp. has MANY other victims, that if they came forward he would never hit the street again, and that some solidarity with other victims/survivors would help me to unbalance the minimization of child and adult sexual assault that doesn't leave bruises.

I'm wondering regarding your trauma...
1. Do you get fixated?
2. Do you follow up with it?
3. What are the pros and cons of your fixations?
 
I get fixated thinking sometimes.

No, I don't follow up on it.

The cons to my fixations are A.) They're wrong B.) They're illegal



I wish I had the nerve to tell what my fixations are...
 
Fixations are unhealthy and they hold you back from going forward. They keep you obsessing over the past and not looking toward the future.

Since November, when I found out what my ex did to my children, I have been fixated on what I could have done to prevent it. I have played the "what if" game and just become more angry at him and myself. What good is that doing? The anger I have directed inward is the most vile, self-loathing I have ever dumped on myself.

The truth is, I didn't do it, he did. I didn't know he would do it, so I couldn't have prevented it. There is no rewind on life, so I can't go back and fix it. (Believe me, I have played so many scenarios of how I would "fix" it, that I have broken more Commandments in these past six months than I have in the first 49 years of my life.) Somewhere, my hate for him became hate for me.

I have to move on, and in retrospect, I did the best that I could and I have done the right thing. On July 2nd, the day after I planned to end my own life, he was arrested. He cannot make the bail that was set and with a conviction is looking at a minimum of 25 years. My enemy is off the street and even though justice is slow, the system did work to this point. However, there is no guarantee that everything will work out as I wish, but I'll take the peace of mind that comes with him off the street.

It is time for me to quit obsessing and move forward. I need to get better and I need to be there to support my children so they don't end up with problems and issues that are worse for actions or lack of action. I think the damage he did was bad, if I had killed myself what would they have had to live with?

Its OK to remember, its OK to be angry, its OK to be hurt, but at some point we all have to move on to get better. My victory is in being whole and that is the victory for all of us.
 
Last summer I became fixated on my abuser. I tried to find out as much as I could about her. I ended up going into a series of major breakdowns, the last of which landed me in the hospital for a month. While I was in the hospital I reported my abuser and "let go" of my fixation on her, thereby making my healing about me again, and not about her.
 
I became so fixated that it seem to create an insatiable desire to know more and more. I had to let it go because of the mental anguish. It helped in a way that he is dead and yet it felt like running into an emotional roadblock. For my sanity and healing, I had to let it go. I am better for it.
 
I do in a way. I decided to try and turn it all into something positive though and started helping with human rights and womens rights activisim (as I really really want to try and do something to raise awareness about just how many women are being raped/ sexually assulted and domestically abused so that something can be done to help reduce those numbers).

My therapist asked me one day if I thought my passion could change anything, I said yes and still think it can. I just think it had to become in a way less about punishing my abuser and more about fighting the causes of abuse.
 
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