this has been a constant and reoccurring issue for me over the last couple years and I felt I needed to bring it up and ask for advice.
Anytime my partner (or previous partners) have expressed the desire to be alone before bed or have expressed that they don’t want me to sleep over I struggle with that initial feeling of panic and rejection but what’s bothering me is the moment I go to sleep alone after these interactions I immediately begin to have flashbacks and/or panic attacks.
The other day my partner expressed that we had been spending a lot of time together and thus starting to step on eachothers toes (totally understandable) and so she wanted a day to herself with our mutual friend (she’s closer with her) and upon her requesting this I felt a sense of dread? The routine hangout before bed and sleep together wasn’t happening and I was fearful she was going to leave permanently. As I tried to go to bed I had one of my handful of flashbacks about abandonment.
It was the night my dad left for deployment when I was 7 years old. He tucked me in and planned to head out that night to Iraq. I remember not long after he left my room i I began to panic and cry out for him hysterically. I had just processed the potential death of my father at 7 years old, alone, in a dark room having just said goodbye to him. I cried for a while as my parents debated on if it was a good idea for my father to come back to see me one more time. He did. For 13 months I cried daily. I watched my mom cry. I lived in a sense of fear that one day I might have the news broken to me that my dad had passed away. He missed my 8th birthday, several holidays, and our family being involved in an on base mass shooting (also hard for me to process at literally 7 or 8) while he returned for Christmas and eventually from war as a whole I feel I never got him back. He has PTSD now that he leaves untreated so as a result my brother and I watched our father experience night terrors in the living room regularly among other symptoms. We couldn’t help him.
That being said when I’m left alone at night after my partner has said goodnight and plans to hang out with friends or sleep elsewhere I simply cannot sleep without crying out for my father all while experiencing a full body remembrance of that night. Every inch of me, mind and body, feels like the 7 year old little kid screaming for his dad only this time there is no dad to come to his rescue.
My girlfriend suggested I was being manipulative by calling her and asking to sleep over anyway due to the flashbacks. I totally understand why she felt this way and honestly I have felt so guilty sense. I was trying to seek out the end of that memory by bringing a loved one into my space to reassure me they were still apart of my life and all is well. I know I should have looked for someone else since she expressed her desire to be alone that night so.. if anyone else experiences these what do you do?
Anytime my partner (or previous partners) have expressed the desire to be alone before bed or have expressed that they don’t want me to sleep over I struggle with that initial feeling of panic and rejection but what’s bothering me is the moment I go to sleep alone after these interactions I immediately begin to have flashbacks and/or panic attacks.
The other day my partner expressed that we had been spending a lot of time together and thus starting to step on eachothers toes (totally understandable) and so she wanted a day to herself with our mutual friend (she’s closer with her) and upon her requesting this I felt a sense of dread? The routine hangout before bed and sleep together wasn’t happening and I was fearful she was going to leave permanently. As I tried to go to bed I had one of my handful of flashbacks about abandonment.
It was the night my dad left for deployment when I was 7 years old. He tucked me in and planned to head out that night to Iraq. I remember not long after he left my room i I began to panic and cry out for him hysterically. I had just processed the potential death of my father at 7 years old, alone, in a dark room having just said goodbye to him. I cried for a while as my parents debated on if it was a good idea for my father to come back to see me one more time. He did. For 13 months I cried daily. I watched my mom cry. I lived in a sense of fear that one day I might have the news broken to me that my dad had passed away. He missed my 8th birthday, several holidays, and our family being involved in an on base mass shooting (also hard for me to process at literally 7 or 8) while he returned for Christmas and eventually from war as a whole I feel I never got him back. He has PTSD now that he leaves untreated so as a result my brother and I watched our father experience night terrors in the living room regularly among other symptoms. We couldn’t help him.
That being said when I’m left alone at night after my partner has said goodnight and plans to hang out with friends or sleep elsewhere I simply cannot sleep without crying out for my father all while experiencing a full body remembrance of that night. Every inch of me, mind and body, feels like the 7 year old little kid screaming for his dad only this time there is no dad to come to his rescue.
My girlfriend suggested I was being manipulative by calling her and asking to sleep over anyway due to the flashbacks. I totally understand why she felt this way and honestly I have felt so guilty sense. I was trying to seek out the end of that memory by bringing a loved one into my space to reassure me they were still apart of my life and all is well. I know I should have looked for someone else since she expressed her desire to be alone that night so.. if anyone else experiences these what do you do?
