Flashbacks from relationships.

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Beanie

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I am currently married, I have been in multiple toxic and abusive relationships prior to this and I grew up in an abusive household where my mom and I along with my siblings were constantly verbally, emotionally, and physically abused. We have not been getting along lately in my marriage. We are newly married. Everything is really stressful with him moving in, all of the change and adjusting, we barely have time with each other. He spends excessive time with my son or alone like he wants to avoid me. He has said many hurtful things about how he thinks he made a mistake and isn't cut out for this and things like that. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but it sounds like he went through with the marriage to prevent hurting me. So then I am left wondering why he proposed in the first place.

I am so frustrated. I am having an emotional flashback (I think?) where I feel incredibly vulnerable and abandoned. I feel alone and disconnected, but alternating with anxiety. I am tired and nauseous. I am having nightmares and memories come out of nowhere about bad situations in previous relationships. I feel like a child. I feel helpless and hopeless and devoid of joy. I feel like everyone hates me, like I am unloveable and a failure at life. I feel like no one has ever loved me for who I am and no one ever will and it is playing out right in front of me once again. I am angry at myself for getting into the relationship because I feel like I opened myself up to be hurt. I try and logic my way out of it and think of all the evidence that he cares about me and is just going through a hard time, or that people love me, etc. but it is useless. The feeling won't lift and I have been having horrible thoughts that I wish I didn't have. It is spilling over into every aspect of my life. Doing anything is like walking with bricks tied to my body, so difficult. I am so angry and sad. I just wish this feeling would stop and I could be healed. Sorry that was long. Thank you to whoever was able to get through it.
 
I am so frustrated. I am having an emotional flashback (I think?) where I feel incredibly vulnerable and abandoned. I feel alone and disconnected, but alternating with anxiety. I am tired and nauseous. I am having nightmares and memories come out of nowhere about bad situations in previous relationships. I feel like a child. I feel helpless and hopeless and devoid of joy. I feel like everyone hates me, like I am unloveable and a failure at life. I feel like no one has ever loved me for who I am and no one ever will and it is playing out right in front of me once again.

Speaking as someone with PTSD… It’s an incredibly difficult thing, when the present echoes the past, in sorting out what’s real and what’s not. It’s an off shoot of what I hate most about PTSD; Not being able to trust my own judgement (and either underreacting, or overreacting, but almost never being true blue, dead centre, bang on accurate).

Speaking as a supporter… it is soooooo incredibly obvious when the person I love is misreading and misinterpreting me, my intent, my actions, and the situation.

Would it be possible to find, or do you have, an impartial 3rd party who can sit down with the 2 of you and help you guys parse what’s happening? A trauma informed couples therapist, or a trauma therapist who works with couples, would be 1 option.
 
Thank you for your reply. We do see a couples therapist, I am not sure if she is trauma informed, but she has helped us sort things out. Unfortunately we haven't had an appointment in a couple of weeks. I think I need a new individual therapist who knows about cptsd. I don't even know where to begin to find that. I doubt I will be able to within network. It means a lot to me that you get it though, thank you.
 
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