Flying Home

[desiderata310]

I am not really sure where to put this post.
I'm kind of at a loss at the moment.

The last three weeks I've been spun up. My sleep has gotten worse. And today is no exception. I've spent a great deal of time trying to get sleep sorted so that could survive the trip back to my hometown for my daughter's graduation.

Today it became clear that despite mine and my therapist's best efforts, I can't get in to see someone in time to get the medication I need to make the trip and keep my sleep at bay. In utter frustration I texted him that perhaps I really SHOULD cancel my trip. He had actually encouraged me to do this before.

When he saw that text he said that wouldn't be a bad idea. Saying that even if I had the MMJ and ativan (which is what we have been working to get for a week) he doesn't believe I would do well going back home and said I could have my daughter come out in visit perhaps?

When I saw this I cried and said "what the f*ck is wrong with me?"
T: "I don't see anything wrong with or odd about being terrified to go someplace you think you would get killed"

.........

It's true. I am terrified. I didn't make the connection that this was why I was sleeping less, why I was more suicidal, why everything was harder and scarier.

I can't just NOT go though. I figured I could sneak into town and see her graduate, spend some time with her and sneak out again.

Only my brain won't be ok with it.

So I looked at coming back earlier. The fee for changing my flight is higher than puchasing a new flight.
What the?!

Maybe I should stay home.
Jesus. Maybe I really am that bad off.
Why the hell didn't I see that?
Why couldn't I see that the upcoming trip is what has me all f*cked up?

What the hell do I do?
My daughter will only graduate from high school once. I can't miss that. I know what it feel like to have someone important miss your graduation.

I HAVE to be there.
I just don't know how to do it and be safe.

 

[scout86]

I thought I couldn't skip my mom's memorial service and I just did. It was the right choice too. No major regrets.

Your dedication to being there for your daughter is wonderful. But...... If I knew someone came to my high school graduation under the circumstances you're describing, I'd feel terrible. Because it's not worth it. Because someone's physical presence at an event is great, but how they feel about you matters more and their welfare matters more yet.

I don't know you're daughter or your relationship with her. If I was her, I'd be totally ok with you staying home and would like the idea of coming for a visit later very much. One on one time with you would be a MUCH better thing that having you dash in and dash out of the graduation. Her understanding kind of hinges on what she's like and what she knows. And, if she doesn't know enough to understand the situation, maybe she's old enough now that she should.

I don't think you DO have to be there. To do it and be safe? Can you take someone with you? (Someone big and tough?)

 

[Hope4Now]

You need to be your first priority. Don't go if you're feeling this way. Talk with your daughter...she's almost an adult. I would bet she'd understand. She'll be so revved anyway that you wouldn't get the kind of quality time with her you'd like, I bet. I totally get how important this feels...my son is graduating on Sunday...I know the I HAVE TO do it feeling. But choose yourself, your health and safety first.

Here's a little something...not sure it will help at all...I offer it in the spirit of what Scout said about skipping her mom's memorial service. This past Friday night was my son's senior prom. I urged him to go. Then at the last moment I decided I had to get away lest I land myself in the hospital again. So I left for a road trip on Thursday. Missed the prom. Felt pretty sucky about it...but it is okay. I'm actually glad I didn't force myself to get through it. I am much more centered/balanced now. And while he was bummed a little, I think, he had a good time and was glad that I did what I needed to do to be healthy.

It's such a hard thing...these decisions...especially being there for our kids...

Just remember how hard you have been working to get healthy and stable and weigh that against the bigness of this trip.

Peace & good energy to you.

 

[scout86]

One more kind of random thought. I've noticed that I have an inclination to believe I absolutely MUST confront and at least attempt to slay, what ever metaphorical dragons cross my path. Else I'm some kind of failure. Now and then it's starting to look like it MIGHT be ok, once in awhile, to wave at the dragon, wish it a nice day, and walk on down the path. And maybe that's a just of success too. (I SAID it was a "random thought" not that it made any sense or had anything to do with anything....)

 

[Friday]

I like the alternative!

Instead of flying out to spend 2 minutes with your daughter in a sea of other people all also trying to spend 2 minutes with your daughter...

Invite her on a mother-daughter solo trip &/or visit.

Travel Insurance the purchased flight, note from your doctor = valid medical reason to CX & use the money for the solo. Maybe to Amsterdam? (I can fly to London cheaper than to anywhere in the US except NY or Vegas, and then it's just nipping over the channel.)...But I like travel. Realizing it's the travel part that makes things intolerable for a lot of folks, & remembering your T was going surfing with his son... maybe just the two of you to the coast? Some surf. Some strawberry margheritas. Some girl talk.

Shrug. I'm with your T. Don't see anything odd about avoiding a trip which could kill you. Seems like sense.

 

[scout86]

I just had a thought that's so obvious I can't believe I didn't realize it right off.

This fear you're dealing with, this is not one of those irrational, all-in-your-head kinds of fear. This is the real deal, if memory and understanding serves me correctly. So, how do you think your daughter would feel if something bad happened to you because you came to her HS graduation?

This is NOT your fault, this is the fault of those who created the situation in the first place. You didn't create it, you didn't start it, you're just left to deal with the consequences.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think the longer, more meaningful trip is in order as opposed to the graduation. Chances are your daughter *really* would rather spend the graduation hanging with her friends that she will never see again, so you could even just tell her that: "I know that you won't see your friends again in this context, but you will see me over and over. Why don't you spend the day with them, instead, and we can do a trip together in a month?"

As a side note, I, for one, would rather spend time with my mom or dad when we can actually connect than at a graduation or other event where I am constantly nervous about them and feel like I have to babysit them in order to keep them together. I'm not saying this as a negative, just as an observation from my own experiences and a vote towards not pushing yourself to suffer for two minutes of graduation time.

 

[shimmerz]

Desi, you and I have an eerily similar past in this way. I am attempting to 'get away' from here....where I am not safe. I have been riding it out for 7 years now thinking it was the noble thing to do. The brave thing to do. No WAY was someone going to force me out of my home town. Away from my children. My life. It has done me damage. I see that now since my CA excursion. You did GOOD to get out of there. I am sad that you had to leave behind your daughter.... (I hope that is okay to say). :oops:

Hell is horrifying enough when we have to be there. To walk back through the fires ... I am not so certain that is a good thing given all of the work you have done. There is such a thing as rekindling, you know.

I have to think as well, and forgive me as I don't know what your daughter 'saw', but you are teaching her to be a woman who may have some hard choices to make in her coming days. Is it possible for you to let her know that you are staying away for self care purposes (again, not sure what she knows). That is a great lesson if she understands the issues with your safety. That combined with the Mother/daughter trip sounds like a really exciting thing for her.

 

[desiderata310]

I had a conversation with my daughter this morning and she said she was ok with me not coming. Only I'm NOT ok with it. I decided to go ahead and go but leave early. So I am ONLY staying through the weekend.
I still feel like a failure. My daughter's being very understanding about it. We haven't seen eachother since October of last year and she kept stressing that she didn't want me to do anything that would stress me. Yes, she knows that I have PTSD. I am not certain I know how to react. Hell, she gave me a pass at having lunch with her dad's family.

Told my therapist. He asked me if I felt less anxious
"Yes and no, if that makes sense?"
"Yep it does, f*cking amygdala."

Therapy in the morning. Then packing, several meetings and drive 4 hours to catch a plane.
No sleep.
No.. my anxiety is much higher now.

 

[desiderata310]

At this point, I am flying in, staying just long enough and oh.. shit... This is really stupid. I shouldn't go...
f*ck.

 

[desiderata310]

There's no way to win this, is there?

 

[scout86]

There's no way to win this, is there?

I'm living a different version of the same question right now. I've been told that the answer depends on your definition of "winning" and it's been suggested that I might want to think about how I define it.

Or, for that matter WHO defines it?

There's a school of thought that says you "win" anything you live to tell about, if you want to look at it that way. Definitely pulling for you as much as I can from here!