Food trigger

[olaja]

My attacker used a kitchen knife from the church's kitchen. My issue stems from this trauma.

I have trouble preparing food because I do not want to cut into it. (I do not have issues using small cerrated knives for eating.) I am hyper aware that I am taking the life of whatever it is that I am preparing, and I get upset. I clench my jaw and I stop regular breathing when I have to cook.

The trouble is I need to be able to prepare my own food, so I can have control over nutrition. I do well for a week, then avoid cooking for 3 weeks and then try again.

As I wrote this, I just made a connection that I will bring up in therapy this week. I am a bit dissociated and nauseaous so I have to log off. But, can anyone relate? or, have words of wisdom?

 

[LawPhotos]

Olaja, I have experienced similar reactions with food that cause big issues for me. Without going into detail which you don't want to hear and which will trigger me, suffice it to say that part of the abuse I endured as a child involved routinely being tied into a chair and force fed:cry:. I also often was neglected and had to fend for myself as a very young child and ate unpalatable things out of desperation. Even though I struggled with an eating disorder in college, I never acknowledged or dealt with what I've been through and as such I never made the connection between the two.

Years later, now that I am, for the first time, dealing full on with a lifetime of trauma, I have developed real issues around food. There are certain foods and particularly food textures that have always disgusted me--I only now know why. When I have memories, flashbacks and nightmares or am triggered, I end up being very nauseous for long periods of time and avoid eating altogether. I find myself in a vicious cycle of knowing that I need to try to eat something for my health and weight but I have no appetite and I am nauseous. The nausea itself is a trigger. When I then try to "make" myself eat because I know I have to---the whole thing explodes in on me for obvious reasons. If I push myself at all to eat I end up vomiting (which is not helping the health/weight gain), flashbacks, dissociation etc etc:(

I have no words of wisdom but I am certainly right there with you.

 

[revelry]

I don't know if this helps, but the first thought that came to my mind was maybe completely changing the things you eat.
example... if you grew up on italian food, avoid it, and switch to chinese...
It was just a thought....again, I don't know if it would help, but maybe....

 

[Srain]

I have many many issues about food and surrounding the kitchen. Large knives are a trigger for me as well so I keep a sharp small knife for myself. I usually make fairly simple food and when I do I make a ton at once and set it in freezable portions. The most time I spend in the kitchen is to make coffee.

The large knives: my mother chased me with one when I was teen and I had to call the police on her, they took ME away.
One of my abusers held me at knife point for well over 20mins threatening to cut my head off if I didn't repeat the vile things I wrote about him in my journal about his abuse of me. This after pounding me in the face, threatening to through me over a railing 3stories down, and dragging me by my hair all over the apartment.It was the most frightened I've ever been.

Yes, I have issues. I know I "trust" small knives and can cut very fast with them. I do stay away from foods that bring back poor memories of my past.

peace,
rain

 

[AngelaMarie]

I hope that since you've realized it that you might have a breakthrough. Maybe trying a small, sharp knife and graduate little by little to something larger? Until then try to find foods that you don't have to use a knife. I know it's possible. Or using a little one? I just want to wish you well. I hope it gets better soon!

 

[olaja]

I took all the large knives and put them away in a drawer. Part of me actually feels safer! That was a couple of days ago. I had a couple of painful flashbacks last night and I wonder if it's connected? But, I also have been drawing with huge crayons, too. So, I have accessed something. I *hope* it could be a breakthrough. I think it may be - but not sure yet what. I am going to see what I can write out here.

I bought acorn squash and today had to get out one of the large knives to cut it in half. (washed and put the knife away immediately.) When I cut the squash in half, I tried to be the 9 year old girl I was and tried to get access to ANY of the feelings I had. I pretended the squash was HIS head and I said outloud, "How do YOU like having your head cut open?"

I am not sure where this came from. It makes me realize that I believed he was going to either behead me, or cut my head open. And, today as I cut open the squash, I hoped he would get a viscious headache wherever he was in the world .

I don't really believe in an eye for an eye kind of mentality because as Ghandi said "It makes the whole world blind," but I did experience some bit of relief of sorts. I dunno.

 

[olaja]

I have many many issues about food and surrounding the kitchen. Large knives are a trigger for me as well so I keep a sharp small knife for myself. I usually make fairly simple food and when I do I make a ton at once and set it in freezable portions. The most time I spend in the kitchen is to make coffee.

The large knives: my mother chased me with one when I was teen and I had to call the police on her, they took ME away.
One of my abusers held me at knife point for well over 20mins threatening to cut my head off if I didn't repeat the vile things I wrote about him in my journal about his abuse of me. This after pounding me in the face, threatening to through me over a railing 3stories down, and dragging me by my hair all over the apartment.It was the most frightened I've ever been.

Dear Rain, I thank you for sharing. ((Rain))

What you describe is very terrifying, and I am sorry you had to go through any of it. One of my greatest fears growing up was that I would be put away.... that my parents would lie and tell them I was crazy, when I never was.

I cannot comprehend the level of malice it takes to create and perpetuate lies about your own children in order to cover for your own evil behavior. I imagine your mother made up a story that protected her? My parents sure did.

I wish you peace as well. :)

 

[olaja]

LP, yep. We are there together in it, that's for sure.

My IC feels very protective of you when I read what happened to you/ what is happening to you. She also does not like shrimp, mushrooms, scallops, etc., and she had to eat a lot of things she didnt want to eat.

I am doing a lot of work with this particular IC who is only 2. She invites you/ your IC to come hide behind the couch with her, or come sit under the table with her anytime. (safe places)

And, I was wondering if you have tried peppermint candy for the nausea? or alternatively ginger tea?

wishing you peace.

 

[maddog]

Perhaps a useless suggestion, but I know that it's possible to buy a lot of pre-diced or stir-fried meat portions which are already in small pieces which don't require cutting. Tinned or frozen vegies also fit this category, and while I know that nutrition wise nothing beats fresh, at least some of the time it might make life a little easier to avoid the need for knife use, while still managing to eat healthy foods. Just a thought from someone who often struggles to have sharp knives around, though for somewhat different reasons.

And ginger anything is great for nausea, as long as it too hasn't become an associated trigger.

Maddog

 

[LawPhotos]

I was wondering if you have tried peppermint candy for the nausea?or alternatively ginger tea?

Unfortunately, both the smell of peppermint and any kind of hot tea are reminders of my abusers.

 

[olaja]

LP, not good. The only other thing I can think of that reduces nausea for me is really cold Diet Coke, or cinnamon gum. Sometimes Sprite or 7up.

Thank you for your posts. Been v helpful.

 

[revelry]

My mom used to give us coke syrup for nausea. It's the stuff they use for fountain pop that gets mixed with co2 later. We own a pub, so we just get it from our distributor. But it does actually work, a little shot of that and your good to go, but I should warn you....it's crazy sweet. (pure sugar, really)