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Childhood Forced animal killing

Digz

Confident
Thread starter #1
I just started having a new flashback where a knife was held to my throat and I was told to stab a cat and kill it or my throat would be slit.
I am having so much trouble coming to terms with it because I feel so disgusting and evil stabbing a cat and watching it die. I feel so ashamed. :(
 
#2
@Digz , I'm so sorry. That sounds a horrific event. My heart breaks for you as you could do nothing but what you were forced to.
Whilst the cat suffered. You suffered too. That person who held the knife to you should not have put you through that. That person made that cat suffer, not you.
That person is the disgusting evil person. Not you.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#3
Three things, minimum...

Forced to,
Under threat to life,
When a child.

Literally, nothing of it is on you.

You are Good.
Not only not evil, good. Capital letter on purpose. ;)

And you're pure and kind and gentle.

Human and humane like other people, too.

Not a revolting disgusting bag of something that should f*ck off for the betterment of humanity as it's that vile and gross and beyond fixing.

I just lack the proper antonym for that disgust!not, word... but you aren't disgusting and never deserved to be put through that nor do you deserve anything of the suffering you had to live with since or are going through now.

And, when you can? Forgive yourself...
That cat forgave you, and has peace now, wherever cats go next.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#5
I get that, a lot...

Not sure if this helps any or is applicable to your processing, but that you feel that grade of awful says good things of you - that you are the opposite of all you feel like.

Because not only you did not choose it...

You are still trying to choose different, beating yourself up over it in the process...

And you still care for health and life of that pet very very much. Regret the loss of it deeply.
 
#6
That you feel so strongly about what happened shows what a good person you are - both then and now.

Children are NEVER at fault for what is done to them - or what they are forced to do
Ever.

You were just as much of a victim as the cat was.
 

Digz

Confident
Thread starter #7
New memories have been coming hard and fast the last couple of weeks. Last week I remembered being forced to kill a cat as a kid. Today my new memory was being made to kill a rabbit by hitting it repeatedly with a hammer under the threat that I would be raped if I didn't.
I've also had memories of being forced to give oral sex but these animal ones I find so much harder to deal with. It's hard to accept the feeling associated with doing something so horrible, even when I was forced to do it. The images, seeing that animal that's been hit over and over, is just revolting.
I know I have to face all these memories but it's so hard at the moment. There's no break. It's just memory after memory lately. It's hard to keep my head above water some days.
 
#8
@Digz , I'm so incredibly sorry. Big hugs (if you accept them), or know that I'm thinking about you

I think we're told that these memories come back to us at a point where our parts say we are strong enough to manage them now? Otherwise they would stay hidden from us. So whilst it feels so horribly hard: you can get through this. You already are.

Those memories are horrific. What you were made to do is just horrible.

Is there something sensory you can do to keep yourself grounded and in the 'here and now' when these memories and feelings are getting too much?
 

Digz

Confident
Thread starter #9
Thank you for the hugs and good wished @Movingforward10 . I certainly couldn't have handled these memories a decade ago when I first started getting flashbacks in my 20s, that's for sure. So, I guess you are right in some ways. They're pretty tough memories to deal with.
Thanks for the reminder about grounding, also. It's one of those things I remember when I'm not in the moment, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed by memories I tend to forget. I will find something.
 
#10
They're pretty tough memories to deal with.
Yeah. They sound it. And I'm sorry that happened to you.
Thanks for the reminder about grounding, also. It's one of those things I remember when I'm not in the moment, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed by memories I tend to forget. I will find something
I forget too because I'm too busy being overwhelmed. People say they carry things round with them, like a pebble or something just to touch.
Your memories sound sensory (I'm not sure how to write it and hope it isn't distressing me saying that, I'm truly sorry if it is), and wondered if having a sensory reminder of now might help.

You were an innocent little child who didn't deserve those threats and being made to do those things. The responsibility of what happened to the animals is on that other person not you. And also, that person harmed you. None of what you were made to do was your fault.
 
#11
What helps you feel soft / gentle / kind / person-y feelings...

As opposed to hard / rough / brutal / fast & dirty / inhuman or monster?

May not be applicable read on *why* are your memories darn difficult as they are and I also suspect it's a whoole muddier and more tangled mess in reality than my trying to separate & simplify would have it, but yeah, thought I'd ask what gives you a moment of solace / restoration / peace while trauma is all up and saying Hii.
 
#12
I just started having a new flashback where a knife was held to my throat and I was told to stab a cat and kill it or my throat would be slit.
I am having so much trouble coming to terms with it because I feel so disgusting and evil stabbing a cat and watching it die. I feel so ashamed. :(
Oh, I am so sorry. The threat of death is a very powerful thing and none of us know what we would do to save our own lives and please don't ever believe anyone who tells you different - we are wired to save ourselves, period.

You are not evil. If you were, you wouldn't feel badly about it. You obviously didn't want to do it then or you wouldn't have had a knife at your throat forcing you.

I can't imagine how this must feel but please know that evil people don't feel shame, guilt or remorse. You were used by evil people. You are not one of them.
 
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