Other Forgetting Trauma, Remembering it, but "forgetting" it again?


New Here
I've been re-reading some of the things I wrote at the beginning of the year. I'm the only person who uses my computer, but felt the need to hide the journal in a directory for a video game that I haven't played in years, so finding it again has been interesting.

I realized bad things had happened on December 7th 2019, then had a brief unraveling as memories unfolded the next few weeks after. According to the things I was writing between December and April I was far more aware of my past than I am now. That's not to say everything was happy and healthy beforehand, but what I was writing down between those months then was far more vivid and validating than what I can remember now. Before December I've realized I was a complete mess, but maybe I have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. If that means being happy then more power to it.

When I was starting secondary school, I was really interested in biology and genetics and all that, and learned somewhere that different genes activate depending on your surroundings. At least for me, its what makes me feel more "alive" when going into places where I can't easily come home again, even if I'm just going for a haircut. The builders working all throughout my house disrupted that "home" and put me into the scene to remember the bad memories (if anyone knows more about psychology feel free to correct my ramblings). Maybe by not having strangers walking all throughout my home, knocking down walls and saying hello to me is why I'm no longer "in the scene" to remember the bad things that happened far from home, possibly in a foreign country.

At the very least, this is what I've gleaned from my mess of a past, its what motivated me to go out and get into other stressful situations and adventures, so I must be hitting the right keys.