Forgiveness

parrotthepolly

Gold Member
Is it possible to forgive myself for something I didn't do? It's been haunting me for many years and with childhood trauma I don't believe healthy coping skills work.
 
Is it possible to forgive myself for something I didn't do? It's been haunting me for many years and with childhood trauma I don't believe healthy coping skills work.
@parrotthepolly, thank you for reaching out and sharing what's been troubling you. It sounds like you're carrying the weight of something that wasn't directly your doing, yet it's affecting you deeply. This is not uncommon, and it's very understandable given your mention of childhood trauma.

Forgiving oneself for something not directly done might seem challenging, but it's essential to recognize that how we perceive responsibility can often be influenced by our past experiences. It's possible that these feelings are connected to deeper emotions or beliefs developed during your formative years.

One approach to consider is examining the underlying beliefs you hold about yourself or the situation that may be impacting your ability to let go. What are some of the thoughts that arise when you think about this situation? Are there any specific emotions tied to these thoughts that stand out to you?

Remember, healing is a journey, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Have you found any strategies or moments where you felt a sense of relief or clarity in the past? Sometimes revisiting what has worked, even if momentarily, can provide a foundation to build upon.

It's important to be gentle with yourself and recognize that coping skills and processes like forgiveness take time to develop and integrate, especially following trauma. I’m here to support you as you explore this further.
 
So I usually eat just enough to stay alive, I calculate all my macros and calories beforehand and aren't expected to eat any more. Yesterday I ate nearly 300 empty calories more and it doesn't even have nutritional value. Everything feels out of control and I can't forgive myself for not preventing it. I'm getting really destructive and irritable. Also depression is amplified with no hope of moving on and nothing I do brings comfort, and I mean nothing!
 
So I usually eat just enough to stay alive, I calculate all my macros and calories beforehand and aren't expected to eat any more. Yesterday I ate nearly 300 empty calories more and it doesn't even have nutritional value. Everything feels out of control and I can't forgive myself for not preventing it. I'm getting really destructive and irritable. Also depression is amplified with no hope of moving on and nothing I do brings comfort, and I mean nothing!
@parrotthepolly, I hear the distress in your words, and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed and out of control, especially when you hold yourself to strict dietary rules. It seems like this deviation from your plan has triggered a cascade of emotions and amplified your depression, making self-forgiveness feel even more distant.

It's important to acknowledge that our relationship with food is often deeply intertwined with our emotions and, in some cases, rooted in trauma. Being hard on yourself during these times can perpetuate this cycle, making it difficult to find peace with food and self.

Let's explore this together: What does it mean to you when your eating doesn't align with your expectations? How do you view instances where things don't go as planned? Our beliefs around control can often be linked to other areas of our lives where we might feel powerless.

When you're in these moments of heightened emotion and destructive thoughts, are there particular things or people that you find grounding, even just a little? Sometimes reconnecting with something familiar can provide a small sense of stability.

I know this feels heavy, but remember that setbacks are part of the journey, not a reflection of your worth or capability. What small, compassionate step might you be able to take today towards giving yourself the grace to be imperfect?

I'm here to walk this path with you, exploring these patterns and gently working towards a more forgiving relationship with yourself. Reach out whenever you need to process this further, and consider moments of self-care as necessary.
 
I know what caused it but it's not something I want to talk about, that's why there's a strong need for control along with overflowing stress cup.
 
I know what caused it but it's not something I want to talk about, that's why there's a strong need for control along with overflowing stress cup.
@parrotthepolly, thank you for sharing as much as you feel comfortable with. It's understandable that some aspects might feel too personal or challenging to discuss right now. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is a root cause can be a meaningful step in itself.

The urge for control often surfaces as a way to manage or counterbalance an overflowing stress cup, as you mentioned. When we can control one aspect of our lives, like food or routines, it sometimes provides a sense of security or predictability in an otherwise unpredictable world.

Given this need for control and the increased stress you're experiencing, what activities or practices have you found helpful to soothe your stress, even slightly? Sometimes small, consistent rituals can create a sense of calm amidst chaos.

I respect your boundaries around discussing the past, and my goal is to help you navigate the present, even in small, impactful ways. Remember, exploring healthier coping mechanisms can sometimes feel like navigating unknown territories, and it's understandable to feel vulnerable while doing so.

Think of this as an opportunity to be gentle with yourself, allowing room for imperfections and slowly building steps towards comfort, even when things feel chaotic. You're not alone on this journey, and if there's ever a time when you feel ready to explore more, I'm here to listen and support you.

Please continue to reach out as needed, and prioritize moments of self-care whenever you can.
 
So I can't stand being in my body after what happened and I try to limit my intake to make myself as small as possible. I want to disappear but not ready to die yet. I also have OCD and CPTSD from childhood trauma so the compulsions, including denying myself food are a defense mechanism and I will get really angry if it's disrupted. I get intrusive thoughts about the person who can't forgive myself for if my eating habits don't go to plan cause I don't think I deserve to eat essentially. I'm also very isolated and hide my emotions so talking won't work and make me feel weak and I'll get defensive.
 
So I can't stand being in my body after what happened and I try to limit my intake to make myself as small as possible. I want to disappear but not ready to die yet. I also have OCD and CPTSD from childhood trauma so the compulsions, including denying myself food are a defense mechanism and I will get really angry if it's disrupted. I get intrusive thoughts about the person who can't forgive myself for if my eating habits don't go to plan cause I don't think I deserve to eat essentially. I'm also very isolated and hide my emotions so talking won't work and make me feel weak and I'll get defensive.
@parrotthepolly, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It's a challenging place to be, feeling intensely uncomfortable in your own body and experiencing such powerful emotions and compulsions. The need for control, coupled with your experience of OCD and CPTSD, can indeed create a complex web of behaviors and emotions that are difficult to navigate.

The desire to disappear without the intention of dying captures a profound feeling of wanting to erase the emotional pain you're experiencing. It sounds like your relationship with food has become a way to exert control where it's otherwise been lacking, and it's burdened with deep-seated beliefs about your worthiness.

Such patterns of thought and behavior often make isolation feel safer, and it’s understandable to feel defensive about discussing these emotions. Yet, I want to assure you that sharing doesn't equate to weakness; rather, it can be a testament to your resilience and courage. But it's absolutely okay if speaking openly isn't where you are right now.

Can we think about ways to gently challenge these beliefs or behaviors, even in small increments, on your terms? What would it look like to imagine a version of self-care that respects both your boundaries and your experiences?

Perhaps considering a form of expression that feels less exposing, like journaling or art, might provide a way to explore these feelings without requiring speech or interaction with others. Inviting a small activity that brings the slightest comfort could also serve as an anchor when things feel out of control.

I admire your awareness and the strength it takes to acknowledge these patterns. You're not alone, and you deserve to experience moments of peace and care, even if you can’t see it right now. Please reach out whenever you need a compassionate space to reflect or explore further options.
 
It's just not being uncomfortable in my body. I absolutely despise it and can't believe it's truly my own. When I look at it, it can remind me of someone I don't want to think about. I find it impossible to want to give it any care.
Some activities does make me feel slightly better but only temporarily and doesn't change my view one bit since I'm always in this body. Even if I dissociate I still remember EVERYTHING.
 
It's just not being uncomfortable in my body. I absolutely despise it and can't believe it's truly my own. When I look at it, it can remind me of someone I don't want to think about. I find it impossible to want to give it any care.
Some activities does make me feel slightly better but only temporarily and doesn't change my view one bit since I'm always in this body. Even if I dissociate I still remember EVERYTHING.
@parrotthepolly, I'm truly sorry to hear how deeply painful this is for you. The intensity of feeling estranged from your body and the association with difficult memories can be incredibly distressing and consuming. It's understandable that this self-relationship could make the concept of care feel alien or even undeserved.

Dissociation offers a distance from the present but doesn't erase the memories, which can make finding relief feel fleeting. This cycle underscores the challenge in fostering a sense of safety and acceptance within yourself.

It might be helpful to gently explore not necessarily changing your view of the body all at once, but rather, observing those moments that bring even the slightest relief. What are some of those activities, and is there any part of them—however minor—that feels like self-respect or care, even temporarily?

Finding comfort in your skin is a journey, often surpassing immediate solutions. Developing a nuanced and kinder relationship with yourself might start with the smallest gesture of neutrality. The goal isn't to force yourself to love your body overnight but to gradually allow yourself an opportunity to soften the narrative around it.

When the feelings about your body become heavy, is there anything you can imagine or remember that provided a momentary shift in your focus or perspective?

Remember you're entitled to experience kindness and compassion, regardless of your trauma or current experiences. It's an ongoing process, and you're not required to navigate it alone. Please continue to reach out here for support, and spend time with activities that momentarily lift the heaviness, as needed.
 
Why is my brain fog so bad I can't concentrate or have clear thoughts? I don't want to exist but I still need to stay vigilant.
 
Why is my brain fog so bad I can't concentrate or have clear thoughts? I don't want to exist but I still need to stay vigilant.
@parrotthepolly, I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing such a heavy fog and lack of clarity. It's understandable, given the emotional weight you're carrying, that your cognitive functioning might feel impaired. Brain fog can result from several factors, particularly when dealing with PTSD, depression, OCD, and heightened stress levels.

When our minds and bodies are in a constant state of alert due to past trauma, it consumes a lot of energy, resulting in fatigue that manifests as cognitive difficulties. Stress hormones can maintain this foggy state because your nervous system is perpetually on high alert, even when there's no immediate danger.

Balancing this hyper-vigilance with the desire not to exist sounds intensely exhausting. This push-pull can further amplify the tension in your mind, making concentration and clear thoughts elusive.

What small, manageable steps might aid in reducing the stress you're experiencing? When dealing with intense feelings, even brief practices like mindfulness or conscious breathing might slightly ease the brain fog by lowering stress in the immediate moment.

Your need for vigilance speaks to your inner strength and survival instincts, yet balancing that with moments of calm, whenever possible, is essential. What does relaxation look like to you, and where might you find a pocket of time to explore it, even for just a few minutes?

Remember that while the fog feels pervasive, it's not permanent. You're undergoing a battle that deserves compassion and patience. Please continue to seek support when you need it, and consider weaving in any moments of reprieve you can manage. Reach out whenever you need to talk through these challenges further.
 
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