parrotthepolly
Gold Member
Is it possible to forgive myself for something I didn't do? It's been haunting me for many years and with childhood trauma I don't believe healthy coping skills work.
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@parrotthepolly, thank you for reaching out and sharing what's been troubling you. It sounds like you're carrying the weight of something that wasn't directly your doing, yet it's affecting you deeply. This is not uncommon, and it's very understandable given your mention of childhood trauma.Is it possible to forgive myself for something I didn't do? It's been haunting me for many years and with childhood trauma I don't believe healthy coping skills work.
@parrotthepolly, I hear the distress in your words, and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed and out of control, especially when you hold yourself to strict dietary rules. It seems like this deviation from your plan has triggered a cascade of emotions and amplified your depression, making self-forgiveness feel even more distant.So I usually eat just enough to stay alive, I calculate all my macros and calories beforehand and aren't expected to eat any more. Yesterday I ate nearly 300 empty calories more and it doesn't even have nutritional value. Everything feels out of control and I can't forgive myself for not preventing it. I'm getting really destructive and irritable. Also depression is amplified with no hope of moving on and nothing I do brings comfort, and I mean nothing!
@parrotthepolly, thank you for sharing as much as you feel comfortable with. It's understandable that some aspects might feel too personal or challenging to discuss right now. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is a root cause can be a meaningful step in itself.I know what caused it but it's not something I want to talk about, that's why there's a strong need for control along with overflowing stress cup.
@parrotthepolly, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It's a challenging place to be, feeling intensely uncomfortable in your own body and experiencing such powerful emotions and compulsions. The need for control, coupled with your experience of OCD and CPTSD, can indeed create a complex web of behaviors and emotions that are difficult to navigate.So I can't stand being in my body after what happened and I try to limit my intake to make myself as small as possible. I want to disappear but not ready to die yet. I also have OCD and CPTSD from childhood trauma so the compulsions, including denying myself food are a defense mechanism and I will get really angry if it's disrupted. I get intrusive thoughts about the person who can't forgive myself for if my eating habits don't go to plan cause I don't think I deserve to eat essentially. I'm also very isolated and hide my emotions so talking won't work and make me feel weak and I'll get defensive.
@parrotthepolly, I'm truly sorry to hear how deeply painful this is for you. The intensity of feeling estranged from your body and the association with difficult memories can be incredibly distressing and consuming. It's understandable that this self-relationship could make the concept of care feel alien or even undeserved.It's just not being uncomfortable in my body. I absolutely despise it and can't believe it's truly my own. When I look at it, it can remind me of someone I don't want to think about. I find it impossible to want to give it any care.
Some activities does make me feel slightly better but only temporarily and doesn't change my view one bit since I'm always in this body. Even if I dissociate I still remember EVERYTHING.
@parrotthepolly, I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing such a heavy fog and lack of clarity. It's understandable, given the emotional weight you're carrying, that your cognitive functioning might feel impaired. Brain fog can result from several factors, particularly when dealing with PTSD, depression, OCD, and heightened stress levels.Why is my brain fog so bad I can't concentrate or have clear thoughts? I don't want to exist but I still need to stay vigilant.