Forgiveness

[parrotthepolly]

I'm very fatigued even though I didn't do anything? What exercises would help with that?
Also my muscles and joints feel sort of weaker but not exactly in pain.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I'm very fatigued even though I didn't do anything? What exercises would help with that?
Also my muscles and joints feel sort of weaker but not exactly in pain.

@parrotthepolly, it's understandable to feel puzzled by fatigue, especially when it seems disproportionate to your activity levels. Fatigue like this is common in individuals dealing with complex trauma, as the body's resources are continually being used to manage underlying stress responses, often leaving you feeling depleted without obvious physical exertion. Add in the emotional weight of trauma, and it can make everyday activities feel taxing.

Incorporating gentle and restorative exercises can help address both the fatigue and the sensation of weakness in your muscles and joints. Here are a few suggestions:

1. **Walking:** A slow and mindful walk can help you gently reconnect with your body while also offering movement without intense exertion.

2. **Yoga or Tai Chi:** Both of these practices focus on gentle stretching, mindful breathing, and low-impact movement, which can help ease tense muscles and promote relaxation.

3. **Stretching:** Incorporating a regular routine of light stretching can help ease stiffness and improve circulation, providing a gentler way to engage your muscles.

4. **Breathing Exercises or Meditation:** While not physical exercise per se, these practices can help calm the nervous system, potentially reducing fatigue by alleviating the mental load and stress response.

Given the sensation of weakness without pain, these low-impact activities might gently engage your body without overwhelming it. The key is to listen to your body and choose what feels supportive rather than strenuous.

Remember, you're doing the best you can in navigating these feelings, and any step you take, no matter the size, matters. Allow yourself the grace to move at your own pace and prioritize your well-being.

Whenever you feel unsure or in need, I'm here to walk with you through these experiences. Feel free to reach out again whenever you need guidance or support.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Is hyperindependence a problem?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Is hyperindependence a problem?

@parrotthepolly, hyperindependence can indeed present challenges, especially when it stems from trauma or a deep-seated belief that relying on others is risky or impossible. Often, it emerges as a self-protective response, where trust in others feels fraught or unattainable due to past experiences.

Being fiercely independent can be a strength, enabling you to navigate life's ups and downs with resilience. However, it can also become isolating if it prevents you from seeking support or building meaningful connections with others. It's about balance—valuing self-sufficiency without closing off from the potential benefits of community, support, and vulnerability.

What does independence mean to you, and how does it affect your relationships and daily life? Is there a part of you that yearns for connection but feels held back by the impulse to handle everything alone?

Exploring your experiences with hyperindependence might help in understanding its roots and deciding how you wish to balance your autonomy with potential openness to support in different areas of life.

Recognizing the cost and benefits can be a meaningful step, and gently testing the waters of reaching out, even in small ways, might reveal new aspects of mutual care and support. It's a process, and taking even tiny steps towards balance is valuable.

Remember that you're not alone in feeling this, and there's always space here to explore and express your thoughts and feelings. I'm here to support you, whenever you need it.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Is there a way to not dissociating so much when going to new places and being with new people? This happens with places I've been to as well and people I know.

My mind isn't present, I feel like I'm in a dream and I'm unresponsive. As in I can understand and see what's going on but I'm frozen in place and takes some time to talk.

Also I get sound, light and even touch sensitivity while doing nothing which makes me more stressed, it's like my brain will malfunction.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Is there a way to not dissociating so much when going to new places and being with new people? This happens with places I've been to as well and people I know.

My mind isn't present, I feel like I'm in a dream and I'm unresponsive. As in I can understand and see what's going on but I'm frozen in place and takes some time to talk.

Also I get sound, light and even touch sensitivity while doing nothing which makes me more stressed, it's like my brain will malfunction.

@parrotthepolly, I'm deeply sorry you're experiencing such overwhelming dissociation and sensory sensitivity. It's truly challenging when your mind and body seem to respond automatically, leaving you feeling disconnected and overstimulated. These experiences are not uncommon in those navigating trauma, where the nervous system may perceive normal situations as threatening, leading to dissociation or heightened sensitivity.

Managing these reactions involves increasing your sense of safety and grounding in the present moment, which can help mitigate the impact of dissociation and sensory overload. A few strategies you might find helpful include:

1. **Grounding Techniques:** Practices like feeling the sensation of your feet on the ground, naming objects in the room, or carrying a grounding object (like a smooth stone or textured fabric) can help anchor you to the present when dissociation begins.

2. **Controlled Breathing:** Slow, deep breaths can help regulate your nervous system. Inhaling through the nose for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling through the mouth for four can offer calming effects.

3. **Routine and Predictability:** Creating a routine or familiar pattern before entering new environments can prime your mind and body for what to expect, potentially lessening the stress response.

4. **Sensory Aids:** Sunglasses or earplugs might reduce sensitivity to light and sound, offering some relief from overstimulation.

5. **Mindfulness and Meditation:** Gradually practicing mindfulness can increase your tolerance for being present with discomfort, gently guiding your mind back from dissociative states.

What aspects of these practices can you envision integrating into your life and current routines? Is there a technique you might be more drawn to try first?

The journey to managing dissociation and sensory sensitivity is gradual, and it's essential to be patient with yourself. Each step, no matter how small, is progress. You're taking a courageous step in recognizing and reflecting on these challenges, and I'm here whenever you need to explore this further or seek support.

 

[parrotthepolly]

My brain wants me to believe everything is contaminated:

- I don't want other people touching me or my belongings, I need to change clothes and wash them if that happens

- if I wash my hands and touch a light switch or door knob, I need to wash my hands again

- if different foods touch each other on a plate, it's dirty. Even if I separate it, I won't eat it cause it's already been touched and I almost want to throw up

- I'd rather take an item out of the fridge myself, if anyone else does it I won't eat anything at all. I don't want to touch that food and imagining myself picking it up makes me uncomfortable.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

My brain wants me to believe everything is contaminated:

- I don't want other people touching me or my belongings, I need to change clothes and wash them if that happens

- if I wash my hands and touch a light switch or door knob, I need to wash my hands again

- if different foods touch each other on a plate, it's dirty. Even if I separate it, I won't eat it cause it's already been touched and I almost want to throw up

- I'd rather take an item out of the fridge myself, if anyone else does it I won't eat anything at all. I don't want to touch that food and imagining myself picking it up makes me uncomfortable.

@parrotthepolly, your feelings and experiences with contamination are valid and must feel incredibly distressing, especially as they extend into so many areas of daily life. What you're describing resonates with experiences of heightened contamination anxiety or fears, often overlapping with symptoms noted in obsessive-compulsive presentations.

Navigating these compulsions can feel overwhelming, as the need for cleanliness and control can seem like the only way to quell the discomfort and anxiety. However, the cycle can become more challenging over time, reinforcing the fears and compulsions.

A few reflective questions or ideas to consider:

1. **Underlying Feelings:** What emotions do you notice accompanying these feelings of contamination? Understanding these might uncover a deeper layer of your experience regarding safety or control.

2. **Tracking Patterns:** Have you noticed specific triggers or patterns in the environment or days when these feelings intensify? Awareness might offer some insights for gradual change or acceptance.

3. **Mindfulness and Acceptance:** Beginning to slowly explore techniques like mindfulness or grounding exercises could help create a little space between the impulse and the action. It's not about rushing the process but allowing yourself the option to experience without judgment, even briefly, the discomfort without immediate action.

4. **Small Changes:** If or when you feel ready, try allowing a minor breach in your ritual once, even in the smallest form, while observing how it feels.

Engaging with these behaviors can be daunting, but gentle, persistent exploration can gradually shift your relationship with them. The intention is not to force change but to slowly introduce new possibilities and experiences.

You are taking such a brave step by acknowledging and sharing these experiences. I'm here to support you in exploring these feelings or strategies further whenever you're ready. Please don't hesitate to reach out again if you need more guidance or support.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Mostly disgust and fear. I physically cannot stand stuff (mostly foods) that have been touched by anyone else and feel like fighting back if I'm forced to eat. No one forced (well asked) me to eat anything for a long time but I will not have a nice reaction if I was put in that place.

My compulsions as a whole gets more rigid when I'm stressed by something out of my control, which is just about everything and happens everyday. It's the only way I can feel safe and not threatened.

I'm more calm and have less fear of contamination when I'm alone but with anyone else around, I need some sort of defense mechanism.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Mostly disgust and fear. I physically cannot stand stuff (mostly foods) that have been touched by anyone else and feel like fighting back if I'm forced to eat. No one forced (well asked) me to eat anything for a long time but I will not have a nice reaction if I was put in that place.

My compulsions as a whole gets more rigid when I'm stressed by something out of my control, which is just about everything and happens everyday. It's the only way I can feel safe and not threatened.

I'm more calm and have less fear of contamination when I'm alone but with anyone else around, I need some sort of defense mechanism.

@parrotthepolly, the intensity of disgust and fear you're experiencing is deeply impactful, and I truly empathize with the difficulties these feelings pose. The automatic response you've developed, to protect yourself and assert boundaries, is significant, given the backdrop of anxiety and potential perceived threats.

Understanding how these feelings become more pronounced with external stresses or when others are around makes perfect sense; the compulsion may feel like the only means of creating an environment where you feel some safety and control.

Anxiety often wants us to believe everything it tells us, particularly around contamination and safety. It's essential to approach this with compassion, recognizing this is a way you've learned to manage what feels overwhelming. Yet, it understandably comes with its own set of challenges and discomforts.

Reflecting on this:

- What might it feel like to, even briefly, acknowledge or accept the presence of fear without engaging with immediate responses? This isn’t about forcing a change or confrontation but gently observing the dynamic.

- Are there any situations, even subtle ones, where partially modifying a response feels possible? Starting small can sometimes lessen the grip of fear over time.

- Is there a space or routine where you feel more capable of introducing gradual changes or experiments with control dynamics?

Remember, supporting and nurturing yourself through this exploration without pressure is vital, embracing the gradual process of easing these impulses. Every effort you make, especially when challenging, is valid and significant.

I'm here to provide support whenever you need to reflect on these feelings or want to explore strategies at your pace. New insights, even in complexity, hold value, and your awareness and willingness to address these feelings are profound.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Is it possible to not have dissociative amnesia? I don't even remember things from a day ago and they're not traumatic events.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Is it possible to not have dissociative amnesia? I don't even remember things from a day ago and they're not traumatic events.

@parrotthepolly, it's distressing to feel disconnected from your own past, even from recent events. Memory lapses can be unsettling, particularly when they don't seem to fit with classic traumatic dissociative amnesia, which often involves forgetting specific traumatic events.

Dissociative amnesia is typically related to unremembered traumatic experiences, but our brains can also struggle with more general memory disruptions due to overwhelming stress, anxiety, or emotional overload. When the mind is perpetually in a heightened state of alert or preoccupied with numerous stressors, it can make it difficult for memories to be properly encoded and retained.

To explore this further:

- **Current Stress and Anxiety:** Are there stressors you're navigating that might be stretching your emotional or cognitive resources? Reflecting on this might provide insights into memory interference.

- **Daily Mindfulness Practices:** Instituting brief moments of mindfulness or grounding each day might help anchor you, promoting better connection and recall.

- **Journaling:** Could keeping a simple journal of daily events or feelings help concretize and reflect on your experiences? This might slowly improve recall and bridge the gaps.

- **Sleep and Rest:** How is your sleep quality? Sleep significantly impacts memory processing. Improving it, if necessary, might bolster your memory.

- **Nutrition and Physical Activity:** Integrating activities like walking or gentle exercises can enhance mood and promote cognitive clarity.

It's important to remember these memory struggles are not unusual under certain types of stress, and recognizing the contributing factors can potentially ease the process. Approach this exploration with curiosity and without harsh self-recrimination—it's very positive that you're aware and questioning this.

If you're ever feeling stuck or want to explore in further detail, please feel free to reach out again. You're showing courage in confronting these challenges, and small, intentional shifts can be immensely valuable.