Forgiveness

[somerandomguy]

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about forgiveness. I made the comment the other day that I don't believe I have ever forgiven anyone in my life for anything ... that's not actually true, I forgive the little stuff. But I certainly have never forgiven my parents for their mistakes and harshnesses in raising me, nor have I forgiven the ex-wife who physically and mentally abused me, nor have I forgiven the ex-friends who slandered me. I have also not forgiven myself for my lifetime of poor decisions.

Furthermore, I don't feel like I *can* forgive these things. I know all about the "you have to forgive before you can move on" mindset, which I can sort of understand. I also know that people constantly say "forgiving is not forgetting" - I don't buy this at all. It seems to me that forgiving someone is letting them off the hook for what they did ... it's saying, "Oh, it doesn't matter what you did" when in fact it matters very much.

The only platitude that's gotten very far with me is "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." I know I can never change the past, but saying the past is the past seems like copping out. I think I might actually like to let go, but my anger at the past is the only way in my entire life that I'm strong. If I let this go, I'm 100% weak.

I welcome all thoughts.

 

[blackpearl]

Hi

That's the whole challange to let go of the past. It really hurst and I mean hurts, but it's a must to let this memories pass our hearts again even if we get panic attacks and nightmares. But you must not fear, then it get just worse. One has to be ready for it. It's hard to belive that when you let your self be weak you actually get stronger with time. Just do not anybody in while this process, it's a lonely dark room you have to stay in when you in small doses let go of it. Grieving is hard sometimes.

 

[Deleted member 541]

To me, forgiveness doesn't mean that I actually would go to my abusers and tell them, that I forgive them. It was something I did within myself, so that I could get over the anger, and hatred that I was carrying with me. It was holding me back, it consumed me to the point that all I could think of was anger, and hatred towards them. I couldn't go forward. But, each of us are different, and we all handle things differently.

Some have written letters to their abusers, telling them everything they wanted to say to them, and spewed out all of their hatred on paper, and then instead of mailing them, they had a ceremony and burned them, or destroyed them however they wish. I did this also, and it was extremely helpful. You may want to just think about it, as a way to release whatever you are dealing with.....Do whatever works for you......Good luck!!!!!

 

[GodSeeker]

It's hard to belive that when you let your self be weak you actually get stronger with time.

Sadly, we are conditioned to hate anything we don't like. This works fine for most of our daily life experience, but when it comes to "hidden injuries" this is useless. By fighting back, by denying should I say, we just give our destructive feelings more power.

It is hard to believe that it is by allowing our feelings to be, whatever they are, that we get through them. Anything else is just having a little and not lasting fun (postponing the inevitable meeting with ourselves). Being a witness of one's weakness, depression, sorrow and despair, allows these feelings to pass their way making place to another feelings because IT IS IN THE NATURE OF THINGS TO PASS AND NOT LAST if we let them be. We can have the evidence of that in each and every moment of our life.

And forgiveness is not accepting what had happened to us. It is the understanding that what had happened to us could happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. This understanding would be impossible if we believe that we are this despair. Being a witness marks a line between us and what we feel.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think forgiveness is personal and if and when a person becomes ready they will do so. I think it requires first accepting or acknowledging something as wrong, rooting out hurts like realizing you have trusted someone who wasn't trustworthy, being forgiven yourself helps (when you require it of others) in order to give it back, and being more thankful for what you have than what you lost.
JMHO

 

[blackpearl]

I posted in wrong thread earlier when I thought I got reply from you in this one. I wrote that I've come over the mental abuse and forgiven my perpetrator(s). It begins with hate. How you then do to cross that anger is the question. In my case I had to understand their fears and story in their lives to understand why it all happened to me. It helped me to have control over my hate while I also disciplined my self.

Yes, that hate is natural and all right. I agree that it's not about accepting the abuse, but forgive the abuser for their weakness. They failed as parents and wife.

Being a witness marks a line between us and what we feel.

Precisely, that self distance is a must to get through the hatred and work on it methodical and in your time. In time you will get stronger and be able to let go of the anger that also is a mechanism we use when we hate and fear. One needs to hate and fear as long as it's necessary.

 

[Tinyflame]

blackpearl has a very good point: I've always heard that anger and hurt are the same emotion expressed in different ways, or I should say at least 'related'.

 

[anni]

This comes up a LOT, and there's an awful lot of takes on it, which means everyone seems to come to their own perspective which gives them their own, personal peace.It depends on what you personally believe forgiveness means and what it might entail, that's all. I ( personally ) don't forgive any tiny part of my abuser, or the system which empowered him in his crap. Do I sit around and let it engulf me and eat at me? Not any more since then he wins. Maybe that's what it means to me -letting go? Maybe it just means I'm completely baffled by the entire concept also, but have complete and utter peace with that fact. I'm a little tired of grappling with the concept of forgiving someone who did all those things, it seems pointless and since he's dead there's no reason on the planet to even have to figure out how to live on the same planet as him. Like I said, in my opinion it's everyone's own, personal perspective which most gives them peace. That is mine.

 

[intothelight]

I think the hardest person to forgive is ourselves.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I just sometimes wonder if forgiveness and understanding are related. While you might not understand what I did or said--is forgiveness a consideration. I think in the long run we loose a lot by not forgiving the mistakes or shortcomings of others. JMHO