claudiakay
New Here
Hey everyone. I'm new here and need some help/advice. I apologize in advance if this is all over the place--for I am emotionally, all over the place.
So to cut to the chase, I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 by someone I knew. And after that happened, I remembered an incident where I was molested where I was six on the playground. Naturally, I fell into a deep, deep depression to where I was experiencing suicidal temptations regularly. I no longer feel these urges since time, emotional growth, and unpacking of the incidents has happened.
As of right now, I am in a relationship with someone who is incredibly special and lovely in every way possible. And I want to stay with him, but sex/affectionate is so incredibly variant and challenging. Sometimes it feels really connected and fine, other times I feel so out of it. In a lot of instances, I fall into this trance where I can't feel my body and I just want nothing to do with him. I Know that I love him, but in these moments all I can feel is disgust for my partner. It takes a few days to cycle out of the funk and I'm fine, but I'm often scared and feel uncomfortable to have sexual relations with this person. It makes me feel like I don't really love this person or find him attractive--when I actually do. Very much so.
It just really confuses me because I don't think I have ever experienced PTSD before or anything..I've just feel insecure ever since the incident when I was 18. But what confuses me even more was that I was in a different relationship before my current bf. Except in that relationshiip, I just craved sex. All I wanted was sex from my partner. I would engage in intercourse as much as 3 times a day if I could get it. That was my first relationship after the assault. That relationship ended because there was severe emotional abuse & we were just two completely different people.
All in all, I am so confused and frustrated by my relationship with sex. Is it normal to experience hyper-sexuality and then complete avoidance? Will this ever go away? It has been nearly four years from the incident and I feel like my symptoms have only gotten worse :( thanks for reading xxx
So to cut to the chase, I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 by someone I knew. And after that happened, I remembered an incident where I was molested where I was six on the playground. Naturally, I fell into a deep, deep depression to where I was experiencing suicidal temptations regularly. I no longer feel these urges since time, emotional growth, and unpacking of the incidents has happened.
As of right now, I am in a relationship with someone who is incredibly special and lovely in every way possible. And I want to stay with him, but sex/affectionate is so incredibly variant and challenging. Sometimes it feels really connected and fine, other times I feel so out of it. In a lot of instances, I fall into this trance where I can't feel my body and I just want nothing to do with him. I Know that I love him, but in these moments all I can feel is disgust for my partner. It takes a few days to cycle out of the funk and I'm fine, but I'm often scared and feel uncomfortable to have sexual relations with this person. It makes me feel like I don't really love this person or find him attractive--when I actually do. Very much so.
It just really confuses me because I don't think I have ever experienced PTSD before or anything..I've just feel insecure ever since the incident when I was 18. But what confuses me even more was that I was in a different relationship before my current bf. Except in that relationshiip, I just craved sex. All I wanted was sex from my partner. I would engage in intercourse as much as 3 times a day if I could get it. That was my first relationship after the assault. That relationship ended because there was severe emotional abuse & we were just two completely different people.
All in all, I am so confused and frustrated by my relationship with sex. Is it normal to experience hyper-sexuality and then complete avoidance? Will this ever go away? It has been nearly four years from the incident and I feel like my symptoms have only gotten worse :( thanks for reading xxx