Childhood Fragmented Childhood Memories - Childhood Abuse?

AngelBb

New Here
I think I was molested as a kid.

This is my first post and I'm making this while I'm high because I really don't think I can think about this sober. It's just too much.

But basically I have some pretty weird memories as a kid that are now sticking out to me as really not normal. I'm going to list them all and also some other stuff that I think is abnormal, and is all making me think maybe I was sexually abused as a kid.

In day care, I remember we would sleep on these cots and I would straight up hump the cot until I came. Like I was a CHILD and I remember the teachers/day care people watch me, like I was weird. Like I could tell they were trying to figure out what I was doing and were also sort of confused? Or maybe they knew? So I would sneakily do it anyway but that is a big one. Why is a kid in daycare masturbating? Like is that normal??? I remember I would feel really dirty after I did it, like the first time, but honestly that feeling sort of went away cause I would just keep touching myself.

Okay, I am really ashamed of this. But I remember I had a friend my age, and one day I told her to get in the closet, and I pushed her onto the ground and basically started to molest her. It makes me really sick to my stomach and feel guilty as f*ck but I remember touching her chest (nipples, specifically) and telling her that she was supposed to say No. And act like she didn't like it. And that is NOT normal child behavior. I dont know how old I was, maybe like 7-8? I don't know. Anyway, we obviously stopped being friends and I stopped hanging out with them. Because that's not normal.

And I also made another kid my age wear a thong we found in a closet. And he got uncomfortable and was like, stop, we just stopped and left.

Also, this is kind of gross, but I get off thinking about being abused and used. Like I feel disgusting, but I also am aroused by it. And rape stuff turns me on. I am pretty disgusted with myself but this is the truth. And why cant I really remember my childhood clearly? Like Im 24 and I have a pretty clear timeline of what happened in my life from middle school -> now but honestly things before elementary and during elementary are very hazy. I spent that time moving around with my relative instead of my actual parents and family and we traveled a lot because I didn't have to really go to school. But yeah that's pretty much my childhood as far as I can remember. Just traveling and going places.

Finally, I noticed that I only get turned on if someone touches my nipples. Or I touch my nipples. Basically that's like a hot zone on my body? I hope you get what I mean, that basically it's like a zone that feels aroused and turns me on. Sometimes when I get really frustrated or angry, I feel myself getting aroused specifically around there. It has recently started to stuck out to me as strange.

I am currently seeing a therapist and we have not talked about sexual abuse as a child. I kinda wanna bring it up but honestly this is SO MUCH and I dont think I will be able to speak about this to her without getting extremely emotional and overwhelmed. Also I dont even know if I actually was molested, but from my weird ass memories, I think I was.
 

Friday

Moderator
Why is a kid in daycare masturbating? Like is that normal???
Usually, (at nap time) because they’ve figured out it means they won’t wet their pants until it’s “time” for a potty break, instead of “nap time”, “circle time”, “reading time”, etc.. (The pee-pee dance, hands to crotch, laying down, sitting down, etc.)

Usually -the rest of the time- because it feels good. Like spinning in circles.

IE it’s super normal. About 9 out of 10 preschoolers masturbate. Most for a split between “It tickles” & “I needed to pee”. Girls can orgasm from clitoral stimulation from infancy onward, boys lack the structural ability to orgasm until puberty, but get erect multiple times a day (including during sleep cycles).


I remember I would feel really dirty after I did it, like the first time, but honestly that feeling sort of went away cause I would just keep touching myself.
Yep. It takes most parents / teachers / family about 3-5 years to keep kids from sticking their hands in their pants at every opportunity. Usually becuase it’s fun for them, but occasionally because “My PENIS is STUCK to my BALLS!” …and other >.< things shouted at full/offended volume in piping childish voices, at the grocery store (whilst every full grown man stops mid-step, kind of nods “Yep. That happens.” snickers, and moves on.


telling her that she was supposed to say No. And act like she didn't like it. And that is NOT normal child behavior.
Agreed. Unless the child has been watching a lot of “slap to the face” behavior in real life, or movies, when someone attempts to grab a boob and gets slapped for it, or shouted at.

And I also made another kid my age wear a thong we found in a closet. And he got uncomfortable and was like, stop, we just stopped and left.
Totally normal. The more taboo the dress up, like knickers or dry cleaning, the more “oomph” associated with it, but also the more easily kids move on to things less likely to get them in trouble.

I feel myself getting aroused specifically around there. It has recently started to stuck out to me as strange
Not really… nipples are an erogenous for a LOT of people. Can reach orgasm with nothing but nipple play level of erogenous. It’s more rare for say, ears or wrists, to have that level of sexuality attached, but still fairly common.

And why cant I really remember my childhood clearly?
This is the single most concerning thing you’ve written about. Everything else falls very within totally normal boundaries, but most kids memories start somewhere between the ages of 2-5. Missing 10 years of childhood? IS concerning. Except? It seems you remember preschool?

I kinda wanna bring it up but honestly this is SO MUCH
This is water cooler conversation for anyone who’s taken an intro to sex & sexuality class, much less spent years studying sex & sexuality (like therapists who work with rape & sex abuse victims, or sex therapists themselves). Truly. Very very easy things to discuss for people without religious/cultural sex hang ups or sexual trauma. That even the thought of bringing up sexual things is causing you this much distress? I’d rate as the second most concerning thing in what you’ve written. Which doesn’t mean you were/were not sexually abused, lots of people have sexual hang ups from their religion or culture, but it’s still very worth noting.
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
I am currently seeing a therapist and we have not talked about sexual abuse as a child. I kinda wanna bring it up but honestly this is SO MUCH and I dont think I will be able to speak about this to her without getting extremely emotional and overwhelmed.

I can’t say what did or didn’t happen to you. However, it’s definitely worth bringing up to your therapist. Is there a way you can write them a letter or email? Or even screen shot your post here to give to them? That may help with breaking the ice and allowing the conversation to begin.
 

AngelBb

New Here
Usually, (at nap time) because they’ve figured out it means they won’t wet their pants until it’s “time” for a potty break, instead of “nap time”, “circle time”, “reading time”, etc.. (The pee-pee dance, hands to crotch, laying down, sitting down, etc.)

Usually -the rest of the time- because it feels good. Like spinning in circles.

IE it’s super normal. About 9 out of 10 preschoolers masturbate. Most for a split between “It tickles” & “I needed to pee”. Girls can orgasm from clitoral stimulation from infancy onward, boys lack the structural ability to orgasm until puberty, but get erect multiple times a day (including during sleep cycles).



Yep. It takes most parents / teachers / family about 3-5 years to keep kids from sticking their hands in their pants at every opportunity. Usually becuase it’s fun for them, but occasionally because “My PENIS is STUCK to my BALLS!” …and other >.< things shouted at full/offended volume in piping childish voices, at the grocery store (whilst every full grown man stops mid-step, kind of nods “Yep. That happens.” snickers, and moves on.



Agreed. Unless the child has been watching a lot of “slap to the face” behavior in real life, or movies, when someone attempts to grab a boob and gets slapped for it, or shouted at.


Totally normal. The more taboo the dress up, like knickers or dry cleaning, the more “oomph” associated with it, but also the more easily kids move on to things less likely to get them in trouble.


Not really… nipples are an erogenous for a LOT of people. Can reach orgasm with nothing but nipple play level of erogenous. It’s more rare for say, ears or wrists, to have that level of sexuality attached, but still fairly common.


This is the single most concerning thing you’ve written about. Everything else falls very within totally normal boundaries, but most kids memories start somewhere between the ages of 2-5. Missing 10 years of childhood? IS concerning. Except? It seems you remember preschool?


This is water cooler conversation for anyone who’s taken an intro to sex & sexuality class, much less spent years studying sex & sexuality (like therapists who work with rape & sex abuse victims, or sex therapists themselves). Truly. Very very easy things to discuss for people without religious/cultural sex hang ups or sexual trauma. That even the thought of bringing up sexual things is causing you this much distress? I’d rate as the second most concerning thing in what you’ve written. Which doesn’t mean you were/were not sexually abused, lots of people have sexual hang ups from their religion or culture, but it’s still very worth noting.
First off, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. At first I thought maybe no one would reply because I know that so many people make posts on here (Ive been reading other peoples posts). I have seen you reply to other peoples posts and I was very pleasantly surprised to see you take the time to reply to mine and also go over so much of the things I covered. Thanks!!!

And yes, I also think it's strange that I really can't remember/piece together my early early childhood. I don't remember much at all, just fragments, honestly. Like I seriously can't piece together a very coherent and detailed history of my early childhood the way I can with middleschool onwards. So yeah :/

I will probably bring this up to my therapist in due time. I think it's a bit early for now, but I will definitely stick around on this forum. It's been so eye opening and honestly I really don't know where else I can talk about this kind of stuff. Also for me it's important that I remain anonymous. Thanks again.

I can’t say what did or didn’t happen to you. However, it’s definitely worth bringing up to your therapist. Is there a way you can write them a letter or email? Or even screen shot your post here to give to them? That may help with breaking the ice and allowing the conversation to begin.
Yeah I think I will bring it up to her. I have only seen her for a few months and she does think that I have unspecified Trauma (I did not fall under diagnosis for anything else in the DSM). But I never talked once about child abuse or early childhood trauma. I have been in 2 almost rape scenarios when I was 14 and later when I was 20 and I spoke to her about that, and I do have a strong aversion to men. But otherwise, I really have not talked about child abuse. So I think I will give it some time before I bring this up, and honestly I will probably write it down and read it to her to ensure my delivery is good.
 
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