From where I am today I love the gentleness of this response, and the clarity of seeing it. Thanks.There is a lot of useful information here. I have two different ways of seeing this:
one I do dissociate in therapy still and I do let it go to observe it and recognize it and learn while I am in that safe space.
If I am dissociated at work, it manifested as distraction so I may google or convince myself I can finish that much better later but in all fairness, I consider this minor or would have lost jobs but it is a recognition.
The other is more complicated . I do not consider dissociation as a bad thing. Because I am not particularly in pain (physical), I consider it the result of violence against me for so long so it is like I lost an eye and get used to it. I feel as though it is impossible to be abused that much and not have a residue or lasting scar so I accepted. Maybe this is why I can let it go in therapy cause it allows me to be calm and observe.
It is very easy for me to see the fight or flight and I did not develop fawn but and I can see why the freeze stayed under my radar cause I was not really freezing as an adult just manifesting the offline behaviour some other ways.
my genesis were something like this: I do not space out. cause I did not know what that was.
oooh I feel offline like in a fog. is this dissociation?
and oooh this must be dissociation
OK I am going to become acquainted this side of me and be curious to see how in the hell I did not see it before and boom...I realize it is a wall between my everyday and my trauma parts.
Now I am more compassionate and nurturing so I can go between easily when I am in therapy to gain more insight and integrate. It is only about 20 min or so oscillation between couple parts while I am mainly observing...
I also notice as a side affect, it is barrier to my creativity;hence, why I am keen on being understanding of it so I can be gentle with that level of observing my psyche.
Not sure if this makes sense at all cause I have not written down yet fully but this is my take.
**I agree...there IS a lot of good info here. And...oops...can't yet figure out how to delete the first post that wasn't quite finished! sorry...new format to me.
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