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Friend/willing abuser died

Discussion in 'Death' started by poppingbluebell22, Apr 10, 2018.

  1. poppingbluebell22

    poppingbluebell22 New Member

    A great friend of mine and a willing abuser of mine; knowing full well I had been abused already, died 2 days ago. I am so stressed trying to get ready to move in less than 1 week, so it is honestly too much to handle right now. The last time I spoke to him, I told him I was engaged to be married, he had no respect for me so I told him that it’s best we quit talking to each other. The last time I talked to him was in November of 2017. My fiancé does not understand why I am feeling this way. In the last months I spoke to him I was furious with him I hated him, after finding out he died of a heart attack all I feel is sorry for him that he’s dead and guilty that I was so angry. Over the past 2 months or so I had thought of him from time to time just wondering how he’s doing and what he’s been doing. Thought of stopping by his work just to say hi like old times and then remembering that he had no respect for my relationship, and stopping myself from making that mistake. I miss him and I will always miss him, he was one of my abusers but also such a great friend
    Swift and Supervixn like this.
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  3. Supervixn

    Supervixn Well-Known Member Premium Member

    You're entitled to your feelings. But I caution you with regards to guilt... just be mindful of yourself and take care. I'm sorry you're feeling these ways and I wish you healing. Do you have a therapist to help you sort this all out?
    AliciaEff and EveHarrington like this.
  4. Swift

    Swift I'm a VIP

    I'm sorry for your loss, if that's an ok thing to say.
    Life would be so easy if abusive people acted abusively all of the time. We'd be able to spot them a mile off, and they'd never get close enough to abuse us in the first place.
    The thing is, they can be clever and kind and funny and charming, and still be capable of really, really horrible things.
    It's a complicated emotion for me, to miss my abuser even when she was so clearly abusive, but that doesn't mean we never had any good moments.
    A therapist may be able to help, but I've got a listening ear if you want one.
    AliciaEff, Muttly and EveHarrington like this.
  5. poppingbluebell22

    poppingbluebell22 New Member

    Thank you for understanding it. We had awful times but at the same time we had some really great times.
    AliciaEff and Swift like this.
  6. Muttly

    Muttly I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    I can understand how you feel and it doesn't sound unreasonable to me. Feeling guilt doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, it means that you are a caring person and have experienced a loss. It may be that you lost the friendship when you cut contact, but now you are able to process the loss of the good aspects of your relationship.
    AliciaEff and Swift like this.
  7. AliciaEff

    AliciaEff Active Member

    I can’t relate to how you feel, but I know some who can. You are not alone. It’s okay if your fiance doesn’t quite understand but if (he?) thinks that it is wrong for you to feel that way, then you might want to work on sorting that out. Sometimes I like to describe the healthy way of not understanding someone as “I understand that I don’t understand.” So there’s no judgement and he’s not comparing your experiences, expecting you to act a certain way, but he may never understand what you’re going through, he can still be supportive.
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