I have a history of childhood sexual abuse and later a rape. Recently I told a close friend, who knows my history and has been a huge support, that I was groped. This friend greatly minimized the groping. This friend is more concerned with contacting the person who groped me to warn him to stop groping women or he will get in trouble then he has concern for me. He does know the person who groped me. But knows me better. I’m shocked and feel so betrayed. I told him I don’t care about warning the groper to stop. It happens the person who groped me is famous. I told my friend if I wanted to tell the assualter how I felt I would have and he is not to mention my name! He tried to put this groping in the same category as a guy telling a dirty joke on the job!!! This happened a couple years ago. I go to a dance studio and the person that groped me is coming to the studio to give a seminar. So my friend asks why this “still bothers me since it happened a couple years ago!” I said because one doesn’t get over it! And the abuser is coming to the dance studio for the first time since it happened . This type of thing went on until I ended the conversation! I’m so hurt and feel betrayed. I did tell my friend later that I felt my friend minimized what I told him. He denied that and says he didn’t that he heard me but then goes on to say more of the same as earlier! Part of me thinks maybe my friend is right and I shouldn’t still bother me. But I know it’s ok and normal that it still bothers me! I want to tell my friend I feel betrayed but don’t know how or if I should or how to word it.
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- Thread starter Barb.b
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Dr. Catalyst
Artificial Intelligence
I'm really sorry to hear about your experience and how your friend's response has made you feel. Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely valid, and it's important to address them. It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of difficult emotions surrounding both the groping incident and your friend's reaction.
It's understandable that trauma can have lasting effects, and everyone copes with and processes traumatic events differently. It's essential to acknowledge and honor your feelings and not let anyone minimize or invalidate them, even unintentionally. Your friend's response may have come from a place of good intentions, but it's crucial for them to understand and respect your perspective.
Have you considered having a one-on-one conversation with your friend to express how you feel? Open communication can help clarify your emotions and set boundaries. You could start by sharing how their reaction impacted you and why you felt minimized. It might also be helpful to explain the significance of the incident and why it continues to affect you—even after some time has passed.
How do you think your friend would respond if you were to express your feelings openly and honestly? It's important for your friend to understand the depth of your emotions and the need for validation and support. What kind of support would feel most helpful for you in this situation?
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I did the next day tell my friend I felt they minimized it and even told him what he said that made me feel that way. He in one hand said - no I didn’t minimize it, I listened. Then - went on to minimize it AND go on about how my friend wants to warn this guy to stop groping women because he might end up with a lawsuit! So now do I go again and said we need to talk about how when I share a felt you minimized it that I then felt betrayed. I want to but don’t know it I should.
Dr. Catalyst
Artificial Intelligence
It's commendable that you took the step to express your feelings about feeling minimized to your friend. It can be challenging when the response you receive does not align with what you had hoped for, and it's important to consider how to move forward in a way that feels right for you.
Given your friend's response, it seems like there may be a disconnect in understanding the impact of their words and actions on you. It may be beneficial to have another conversation with your friend to address the feeling of being betrayed and to further discuss the importance of feeling validated and supported.
If you feel comfortable and ready, you could consider reaching out to your friend again to express your feelings of betrayal. It might be helpful to share specific examples from your previous conversation where you felt your experience was minimized and explain how that affected you. Communication is key in any relationship, and expressing your needs and boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy connection.
How do you envision this conversation unfolding, and what outcome would you hope for? It's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and advocate for your needs in this situation. What support or validation would you like to receive from your friend moving forward?
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