Friends suicide and stuff.

[Friday]

But it's like my brain has a readymade argument for pro suicide, and this just kinda adds to it.

That’s why I developed my suicide plan to account for my own self… and the headspace I actually get into, instead of whatever headspace I’m “supposed” to be in, want to be in, think I might whatever.

My whole plan is basically one big damn delaying action… that gives me the possibility of surviving by pulling up out of being suicidal… whilst taking into account my own shit.

Part of that plan below highlights the me stuff (it’s not the whole plan, nor all of my suicide rules).

1- If I’m going to die it HAS to be doing something useful
2- If I’m going to die I PREFER it to be in the place of someone who wants to live // and am absolutely NOT allowed to get other people killed in the process.
3- Before I’m allowed to die I have to change EVERYTHING in my life, first.

1A- I wanna eat my gun? So f*cking what? I also WANT a helluva lot of other things. Wanting something, isn’t enough. If I’m serious? Then there’s none of this childish instant gratification nonsense allowed, but serious action to be taken. It cuts out the I have something like half a molecule of Impulse control on a good day. If I hadn’t spent years and years being suicidal and decades grinding on impulse control, this wouldn’t matter none, but as I’ve done both? Wanting to die isn’t enough. I could kill myself 6 different ways just walking across most rooms. <<< The caveat here, is grief. There are a few situations (like my kid dying) where I know me well enough to know that surviving the first few days of overwhelming grief would require sedatives &/or 8 point restraints. But if I manage to get past that first wave of unadulterated pain/insanity? I have to die doing something useful. >>> Same token, it’s not useful to “cheat” and stand up in the middle of a firefight, or disregard universal precautions during a hemorrhagic fever. Just because I’m somewhere I COULD be useful, doesn’t mean I can puss out, and die uselessly.

2A- Preferring it to be in the place of someone who wants to live means I’m -probably- heading to the 3rd world. Because? Target rich environment.

3A- This one has kept me breathing an alarming number of times. Because if I’m not even willing to walk away from my life for a few months, much less forever? Pfft.

^^^
All of this, and more, is because I know my own mind. So there’s no one better to play chess against, ya know? Other people’s arguments may make sense in myriad ways… but it’s my OWN arguments that carry the most weight.

 

[Innordinate]

Went thru this
whole kinda shit sitch

zoned out- like to the point i had a feeding tube etc cuz i couldnt f*cking function

my fault

its

well- its shit
shit you'll handle cuz its what u do

so
im not worried about you at all

am sorry for your loss though,
also am
glad its not unexpected cuz that'd make shit worse

anyways-
time
all shit gets better blah blah blah

obviously SI will be more at the moment
itll pass the same as w
always



the wee weirdo is where you should be spending yer energy atm imho - i think u know that

also u already know what to do

the whole, i should be dead, yeh that lessons, never passes
or maybe it will for u
meh

again
not worried about u cuz u know all this and its...... it just is what it is

k
so just wanted to



and ill stop repeating myself now

 

[Chris-duck]

When my brain gets into suicide mode, some really irrational shite starts to seem like flawless logic. Perception gets a bit off when I'm really distressed.

It gets exhausting and repetitive and frustrating, but while the thoughts themselves are illogical, their presence is not. "Thanks Brain for being predictable, but no, suicide does not make sense." Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

It legit sounds like I'm arguing with a toddler "it doesn't make sense" "yes it does" "no.. cos *reasons*" "yes cos shut up" I know it doesn't make sense, but maaannn, it's f*cking knackering. Like I kinda wanna be like "awrighty brain, pick a side, any side, do not care which just stfu"

But as uncomfortable as it is, you deserve to have people in your life telling you that you deserve self-compassion right not. Because you do

Only in the sense that everyone does. Although T is a bit like "trying to plant a seed that not all your decisions need to be based on what other people want", I understand the logic, I just don't understand the practice.

My whole plan is basically one big damn delaying action… that gives me the possibility of surviving by pulling up out of being suicidal… whilst taking into account my own shit

Lol yup. Very well rehearsed safety plan here. I can't act unless there's a million things in place, that can, theoretically, be put in place, but since I'm only acutely suicidal for (relatively) short periods of time, n have very little shits to give in that time, chances of it all lining up are.. low at best (essentially impossible really). And they're things I care about, and even in the shittiest of days when I don't really care about them, I don't forget that, usually I would. It's been adapted and added to for like 17 years.

I've never quite come up with a "if I can't stick to it" clause, cos as much as I'll whack a "go to A+E" sentence at the bottom for my Ts benefit, I wouldn't. And it hasn't been necessary, cos uh, SI shit is not a new thing for me, I do lowkey wonder what my line is though. Not that I think I'm close to hitting it.

im not worried about you at all

I don't think I am either. I'm annoyed. I can't be f*cked dealing with SI thoughts and all the bollocks that comes along with it. It pisses me off that I have moments that I don't trust myself, cos I *do* trust myself. I know I *can* trust myself. But man it's f*cking annoying.

the wee weirdo is where you should be spending yer energy atm imho - i think u know that

Oh. Duh. I obv know that, I've just mostly skipped over it here because I guess I can step back from that and I get it, and I dunno. just being there for her is like natural. And the practical shit for her is like a to do list.

Now that I've made myself sound a wee bit sociopathic..