Friends with Bill W

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I’m not sure if this is allowed? But I guess we’re all anonymous here and I’d add this thread doesn’t speak for AA or any other 12 step program.

Let’s keep this non allied with sect denominations, politic or organisation. Also let’s not engage in controversy, neither endorse nor appose any causes.

So apparently we’re statistically more likely to be alcoholic if you’ve experienced trauma so I thought I’d shoot my shot and see if we could maybe have a little trauma informed fellowship in this here’s thread.

A place to share our experience, strength, and hope.

Ok I think I’ve plagiarised the preamble enough.

Hi I’m knowwhere and I’m an alcoholic.

 

[Weemie]

I love the Twelve f*cked-Up Steps.

Step 1: I'm f*cked
Step 2: There might be a way out of this f*cking mess
Step 3: Decide to level the f*ck up
Step 4: Take a good hard look at how f*cked up I am
Step 5: Tell someone else about all the f*cked up stuff I've been through
Step 6: Prepare to stop being such a f*ck up
Step 7: Try to stop acting so f*cked up
Step 8: Make a list of everyone I f*cked over
Step 9: Swallow my f*cking pride and tell them I really f*cked up, except when doing so would f*ck them harder.
Step 10: Keep an eye on my f*cked up thinking and behavior
Step 11: Chill the f*ck out sometimes
Step 12: Help the next poor f*cker that walks through the door

I'm Shayne and I'm a sober addict. I used to be addicted to Dilaudid & Percocet, and I used to drink up to a bottle of vodka a day and rely on Tylenol # 1 for pain relief. These days I only take kratom when I need it, and I am on an experimental non-addictive medication regimen that has allowed me to maintain sobriety. I still use nicotine though.

I also have some behavioral addictions that I am sober from (pornography) and body-focused repetitive disorders that I am still working on (dermatillomania). Addict brain is hard! I still struggle with relapse impulses from time to time but as I work thru trauma therapy this has become less & less as I gain distress tolerance skills.

I've been sober from substances since the end of July. So, roughly 90 days. And sober from other things since I was about 16-19.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

90 days well done! @Weemie

Haha the f*cked up 12 step that’s hilarious and pretty accurate!

I’m 100 days today. And yup still on the vape. One thing at a time though. And what the heck would I do in the breaks at meetings? Haha everyone piles out there’s only a few non smokers.

 

[gealach]

the Twelve f*cked-Up Steps.

OMG this is hilarious!!!!!!


Hi I'm Gealach, and I'm an alcoholic

Been sober since June 6 2019 (I think that's the right year)

 

[Weemie]

I didn't mention this in my initial post because it is fairly traumatizing but just in the interest of total honesty (as addicts it is important to be accountable!). I would not have mentioned this in a real meeting but as this is a PTSD forum && it is related to my PTSD I will go ahead & say it.

Spoiler

From ages 8-13 I was also addicted to crack, && amphetamines (Ritalin).

My experience of that addiction is very traumatic as it was not voluntary and I had very negative reactions to both drugs. They made me exceedingly violent, without impulse control, aggressive && dysphoric/suicidal/homicidal. I did things that completely erased my humanity during that time & have lived with the regret ever since.

Spoiler

The last time I used was age 22, at my dad's house.

He gave me crack (which as an adult I had the ability to say "no" however he enabled my Dilaudid and Percocet addictions. He would take my welfare check && spend it all on drugs which he shared with me. And I was functionally extremely disabled and completely reliant on him financially & for shelter.)

Even though I was 22 I was about the mental age of 12 or 13. Even still as an adult it was my responsibility to say "no" (to every instance of drug use) and I did not, so this one was my responsibility. && then sexually abused me while he was also high on it.

It is truly the devil's drug.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi I'm @Survivor3 and I'm an alcoholic. I haven't drunk for 2+ years.

 

[Movingforward10]

I wasn't addicted, but I had problematic use of drugs and alcohol to block out the pain and reality.

I haven't touched drugs since May 2004.
And I can drink alcohol responsibly now, rather than to numb.

 

[Weemie]

@Survivor3 @Movingforward10 @gealach @NoWhereKnowWhere

Congrats to you all on your sobriety as well. This shit is hard && it is even harder when u throw PTSD and trauma into the mix.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I would not have mentioned this in a real meeting but as this is a PTSD forum && it is related to my PTSD I will go ahead & say it.

Thank you for your honesty! Damn I knew I made this thread for a reason. Because I have something I wouldn’t share in a meeting too but here goes

I say in meetings i started drinking when I was 14 and that’s when I made a choice to drink. But

I was groomed as a child and sex trafficked. Well I guess you call it that although I never left my home. My groomer used alcohol to sedate me, he didn’t need to for him because he’d groomed me. He used to make me drink then he would sell me to his friends.

But for what it’s worth I think I would’ve ended up an alcoholic anyway without that. My family has a long tradition of alcoholism and I think I probably always had the physical allergy.

Hmm dunno why the spoiler thing isn’t working nvm

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I can drink alcohol responsibly now, rather than to numb.

Oh rub it in why don’t you

Good for you though @Movingforward10 its difficult to let go of bad coping strategies especially ones that work as well as alcohol.

 

[Weemie]

I was groomed as a child and sex trafficked. Well I guess you call it that although I never left my home. My groomer used alcohol to sedate me, he didn’t need to for him because he’d groomed me. He used to make me drink then he would sell me to his friends.

My drug use as a child was also within the context of trafficking (sexual && armed violence). It is truly horrendous that adults utilize children in this manner & I am very regretful that it happened to you as well.

For me it was important to acknowledge this because I believe it was instrumental in forming the pathways of my brain that developed addiction on its own as I grew into adulthood. I was told for all of my childhood that putting substances into my body would make me strong and make me feel better, && often times they did.

But it's also important to acknowledge the linear causality of these events. It was not our faults that we were forced to use addictive substances as children, and as grown-up addicts, we deserve compassion and dignity regarding our struggles.

We are responsible for our harmful behavior as a result of drug use as adults, but that can be true and it can also be true that we deserve kindness. Groups like this are excellent for that because they allow us to learn how to become sober && make amends and participate in the process of restorative justice and community reintegration.

 

[Weemie]

Well I guess you call it that although I never left my home.

Spoiler

Also just to let you know, this is still trafficking, as money was exchanged. I used to struggle with that language as well. My city is the human trafficking capital of Canada, and I was trafficked in multiple ways (labor, sexual, armed violence) && I used to say I was just "involved in a pedophile ring" because my memories of these events had massive holes in them, && because I did not realize that you could be trafficked without movement across borders. The definition of trafficking requires monetary exchange, that's it.