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Undiagnosed From the outside looking in (is this reason enough to suspect ptsd)

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magik

New Here
Hi, iv'e spent a ton of hours over the last week or so reading storys here from both people who are sufferers but also from people in relationships or family of sufferers of PTSD. Now while i am technically yet to be diagnosed i find that there is all to much that overlaps for me not to feel like this could be the missing piece av been searching for during the better part of my life.

Some background.

My father rejected me at birth, didn't want anything to do with me during the first years of my life, and later on (from age three) he started using beatings as a way to raise me, tell the truth and i'd get a beating, lie and still recieve a beating. Then he'd feel guilty and buy stuff for me.

My dad also reguraly beat me mom, often times when he'd get off work late get home and used alcohol as a way of ''relaxing'' His reason for beating her would be her neglecting him sex late at night.

My grandma has told me i was three when i started interviening trying to protect mom, resulting in both of us catching beatings. I myself have later in life (after other traumas occured) gotten flashes like fragmented pictures of this back. I remember very little of the abuse, and what i do remember is more like sensations than actual memories.

My mom iv'e later come to understand most likely was bipolar (she passed four years ago as a result of complications following her 4th accidental OD in a little over a year) Iv'e also understood lately that our relationship was not as a normal relationship is supposed to be between mother and son.

My mom was sexually abused from age 14 until 30 by the man my grandmother was married to (my real grandpa killed himself when mom was 5 so she never even met him) he'd stop by during the weeks when mom had put my little sister to bed and dad was working. He always brought toys for me then i'd sit by the tv downstairs while he and mom went upstairs.

So from a very early age i became almost a surrogat for my moms needs in terms of feelings in her relationships. The emotional support she needed to stay in these relationships i provided.

When i was six my parents divorced, and mom met a guy i really liked at first, he showed a real intrest in me took me fishing, brought me along for all kinds of stuff. Until he and mom moved in together, then i was shoved to the side. Later on he started hitting me aswell, don't remember alot of it but i remember him headbutting me for acting up during dinner.

The drinking my mom had picked up towards the end of her relationship with dad escalated badly around third grade (and went on up until 7th) and my stepdad offered no support so i again became the one in charge of comforting her. It was during these years when i was around 11-12 she'd come down to my room drunk out of her skull with little to nothing on wanting me to hold her. It's this relationship that has caused me to develop a self-harm method later in life in order to deal with all the anxiety.

Kindergarten and school was really bad for me aswell, i also have ADHD which went undiagnosed until i was 24 eventhough i spent nearly 10 years in child psyciatric care. I was bullied during my first years of kindergarten, never felt like i fit in, we moved alot (i lived with mom when she and dad split) didnt really have trouble making friends due to the ADHD but always had trouble keeping them. Acted out tons, i was in fights almost constantly so when i was 11 the school hired an assistant for me that had no real education what so ever in any field related to care or schooling, they essentially hired him to get me out of class so the rest of the kids would be able to study. Due to him not having any real credentials he instead made up his own rules, one of which was 'anything he does to me, i'll do to him' so when i age 11 spat at him he in turn being in his 20's spat me in the face, he also held me against a fence one time and allowed a class mate to hit me with a stick (i hit my class mate first, so he figured it was only right he'd help him get one back)


Anyways, enough history i'm sorry for going on for so long but iv'e spent the better part of my life trying to put all the pieces together and everytime i think iv'e got it there has been things popping up reminding me that there's still things missing.

As for me today (and the better parts of my life) iv'e always been unhappy, felt like i didn't belong, like things in life were only for other people but not me. For as long as i can remember iv'e always expressed a desire not to be here on earth. In 36 years i have three memories in total when i can remember feeling actual happiness.

Iv'e always had anxiety, felt worthless, like i'm just something to use and then discard. It's this that has led me to later in life seek out degrading porn as a way to take the pain away, iv'e also sought out older gay men and let them use me all as a means to escape the anxiety,shame and guilt.

I'm always on edge when i'm outside, extremely aware of my surroundings. Always been good at reading people, like i can walk into a room of people iv'e never met before and i'll pick up and register everything. But at the same time i have extreme difficulties trusting anyone, letting people in have been pretty much impossible, having been completly convinced that what i am 'the real me' if i showed anyone that they'd look at me in disgust and leave.

Which has led to isolation, sometimes when the anxiety gets bad iv'e gone into the bathroom and sat in the shover for hours in the dark.

Iv'e also used lies as a way to protect myself, anything and everything related to my self-hurt means especially. But iv'e also realized (after reading tons of storys here) that i lie as an automatic response in situations where i experience stress, and where the information could possibly hurt the other party.

I'm deathly afraid of causing others harm, and can't stand seeing other people in pain. Iv'e carried others my whole life, to the point where most of the adult relationships iv'e had has been with people who's had real complex disorders, often in conjunction with some type of addiction and so real desire of getting help. Iv'e gone into these relationships most of the time cuz they've had kids, sometimes with special needs like adhd or aspergers and where their dads have either not been present at all or have been dysfunctional.

Wow this is turning into a book... i'll try and wrap this up. The reason i made this post is because for the past 2,5 weeks iv'e been under lock and key at a psych clinic after my second failed suicide attempt in a year.
And two weeks ago they did some standard type screening tests for PTSD where i scored very high. This is the first time PTSD has even been brought up, and as iv'e been reading about it since then i realize there's so many things that iv'e never understood myself that could be explained with things related to this diagnose. I'm 36 now, iv'e never had an actual employment, never managed to finish school, and since getting my ADHD on paper in 06 iv'e fought my ass off trying to put my head back together.
I realize i have a long hard road infront of me if i do get diagnosed, but compared to living like i have been with reactions and behaviour that iv'e never been able to explain and all the guilt and shame brought on by it, i'm ready to do the work. All iv'e ever wanted really is answers.

If anyone actually reads through all this (kinda doubt it) and takes the time to answer from the bottom of my heart i thank you. I would also like to say that it's been extremely inspirational reading all the storys from people on this site and seeing the way you treat eachother in this community. That's something to be proud of.
 
It’s pretty easy to say when something isn’t PTSD, but once you’ve got CritA trauma... which you do in spades... there are too many possibilities. It takes face to face time with a qualified expert (team, really, since physiological causes also have to be ruled out before psych causes can be settled on... but a differential physical is part of any solid diagnosis) to really thrash out what’s going on, and where it’s coming from.

When you’ve got a comorbid diagnosis (ADHD, here, too) getting the correct diagnosis is even harder. In part, because disorders share symptoms; & in part, because the way those symptoms express when bouncing off another disorder can drastically alter their presentation.

So is PTSD possible? Yep. Definitely worth looking into.
Does that mean you have PTSD? No idea.

I’d strongly suggest working with a trauma therapist (or diagnostician, it’s very common to see someone -like an LCSW, developmental neurologist, or psychologist- only for diagnosis, and then move onto a specialist to treat what they find) who also has experience in ADHD. From experience, that disorder + trauma can mimic a lot of other things, if you’re not used to what it looks like under pressure.

In the meantime? Welcome to the community :)
 
Hello magik. Please keep us updated on your diagnostic process. We would love to hear the conclusion. You mention a lot of things that are usually related to PTSD. Experience and symptom wise. It sounds like they are looking at the diagnostic aspect of this thoroughly which is really NB as getting better is hugely helped by understanding the cause(s). Regardless this site is not only for those with PTSD but also open to those with criterion A trauma. Whether you previously realised that or not that is you.

So very sorry all that happened to you. And your family. I am a believer in the heriditory nature of trauma.
 
Welcome @magik!! Glad you found a place that feels right for you. And yes, we all probably read your post all the way thru. We truly care and understand.
Please let us know how your diagnosis works out. Here for you in the meantime if you just need to connect. Glad you read around first to see if this would be a good fit for you. A very supportive place to lay it out and be heard and supported. Glad you are here.
 
Welcome @magik.

As everyone's said - yes, it could possibly be PTSD, but none of us know that for sure.

Honestly, getting proper treatment is the most important thing.

Have you considered starting a trauma diary on here? I find mine a really great place for processing, I don't usually just write about trauma, but just what's going on in my life.
 
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