Frustrated - Conflict with Friend

[dshanks]

These days I have been feeling like my symptoms are getting worse...much worse. So much that I have done some physical damage to my furniture. I just want the pain of frustration and depression to stop. My husband is quite understanding but I get so frustrated because the inner turmoil doesn t stop. Now I have to look at the possibility of ending a friendship of over 15 yrs because the person in question can never leave things alone and still can t get over plans that didn t work out at New Year s eve. Supposedly all my fault. I don t know if anyone else has had the same symptom but it feels like this person is provoking me and I feel like there is nothing I can do to make her see my side. She just keeps pushing the crap in my face. If she was in front of me I may react in a very bad way. It is the same feeling as when one of my abusers used to provoke me. Does anyone feel like this...ever!:mad:

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I had a similar situation where my friend and I couldn't agree so we agreed to disagree and left it at that.

I think it would benefit you to say to your friend. "Since we can't agree on what happened or whose fault it is, lets agree to disagree on this and let it go"

If your friend can't let it go then it might be in your best interest to let the friend go.

See if that works.
Tammy

 

[Deleted member 93]

I am not there so cannot say. From your side it seems they are just trying to get a rise. Sadly this does happen. And this is not just a bipolar thing. I have a near and dear friend this way and we are very understanding because we both have issues. My family does this even if "healthy'. All I can say is let go. May not have to be permanent. Just let them know they cannot use you as a door mat. I know it hurts but it does work out.

 

[Deleted member 541]

All I can say is I know what you are going through. It isn't easy, and it's far from pleasant. I have had to end 2 friendships recently and it hurts. I had to end them for my own emotional well being. I have to repeat that to myself a lot.......

 

[Grama-Herc]

This "thing" we call PTSD has cost me several friends over the past couple of years.

I don't expect people to be able to understand this thing called PTSD, but I do expect a friend to respect my boundries and limitations. Being pushed, no matter the issue, is difficult under the best of circumstances. PTSD makes it more difficult

This seems to be another symptom, or should I say a sad result of our condition( for lack of a better word). It is so sad that friendship must be lost, but as stated so many times here we need to look out for the most important person in this equation---and that is Ourselves

 

[dshanks]

conflict

Thanx so much for the answer. I was really wondering if I was starting to lose my sanity, but it really helps to know I am not alone on this. And thank you for the advice...have decided to let her go. I cannot tolerate it anymore. I feel like I don t know what to say to her.walking on eggshells. :wall:

 

[kers]

I can't say whether this is true for you or not, but in my life I have found how often my friendships play out my old traumatic family relationships. I end up in relationships where I feel squashed, invisible, 'less than' with other folks who seem powerful, vent their frustrations on me, and are happy to take any help I offer but don't help me in return.

It's very challenging to break these old patterns, to, as Veiled said, not be a doormat. I know I have a hard time trusting what I think--I ask myself, what if this person isn't harming me and I'm overreacting? But any relationship that hurts you more than helps you, or where you fear a friend's wrath, is not healthy.

 

[sunnydaze]

Friends

DSHANKS,
Little by little I gave up one friend after another. My case seemed to be that I felt taken advantage of all the time because of my good nature. They were bringing me down so much I would cry myself to sleep at night and yet they carried on their lives as nothing was wrong. I miss having a large group of friends however, I don't miss the drama. I have very few friends now and it gets lonely when days go by without a phone call or knock on the door. I know I am better off without them and the heavy crutches I got involved with as far as drinking and drugs. I have been clean for 7 years. However, if this person is a true friend try writing a letter to them. Less arguments that way. If the friend has more good than not hold on to it because now adays it is so hard to develop new relationships. Everyone is on guard. It's not like the good old days when people accepted us for being us with our flawed character dealing with P.T.S.D. and other problems. People look down on you today when a flaw happens to be noticed. Think this one out careful. It does get awful lonely on the other side of no friends.
sunnydaze

 

[dshanks]

conflict with friend

Sunnydaze- I understand what you are saying and I already have very few friends because they all ended up being bad for me, but I think this person is just as bad. We haven t even argued on the phone...it has all been done over e mails, but this one is something special. She seems as though she may be borderline. All I know is that she is really defensive, saying all I do is attack her and call her sick when in fact I told her I was worried about her and maybe she should see someone. But I would hold on to her if she had not said that she overlooks a lot of stuff in me...I don t think she is really my friend if she really feels that way. You make a really good point however

 

[klmn]

Hi Dshanks,

When we start dealing with our issues we change a lot and this can make the people in our lives rather uncomfortable. Especially if like me, you weren't that assertive before (ie, I used to be a big push over, when I suddenly started saying no, asking for what I wanted, - they just couldn't handle it).

I lost a lot of friendships during my first few years of therapy. I regret burning so many bridges and not working more at negotiating through the conflicts. I've been slowly reconnecting with some of them, but some of those friendships are lost forever. (& in some cases, it is a very good thing that they gone, there were some bad apples in there).

One possible suggestion is maybe to try a "time out" period instead of ending the friendship altogether. Sometimes having some time away from the person to think / heal / get some perspective helps. If she is still rubbing you the wrong way at the end of your "break" from her, then you will, of course, have the option to walk away from the friendship, then. (Kind of obvious, but, if you do take a time out make sure that she knows that that is what you are doing, otherwise, she will probably be furious with you by the time it is over).

I'm not really sure about this as suggestions go... but, just thought I would throw it out there as a possibility.

KM

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya Dshanks

I just thought i'd thow my penny's worth in. Having friends is very important. I know that too well. I don't have issues or arguments with friends but I never make any effort with my real time friends as I prefer to keep them at arms length because of my ptsd. I always let them make the firest step in contacting me. This is very sad as I crave for someone who really does care about me and will make the effort with me no matter what. I dont want you to end up like this though. Thats not to say that I dont return the effort with them - I just never take the first step. Its just better to have friends who care about you unconditionally because they are the only friends that we can call true friends.

I'm NOT saying keep her as a friend no mater what. What i'm saying is keep your friends close to you but ONLY if they are proper friends. you are going through enough as it is and dont need people making things worse for you. If you stay friends with someone who is self centred then it will only do you more harm than good. Think of yourself first. YOU are the important one.

Take care and let us all know how it goes.