I was talking with my best friend (who I'm currently staying with) today, I was upset because I can't go to an annual event this year due to a conflict. Normally I teach there, and it's one of my only really safe spaces. I've taken on more leadership and teaching roles over the past 3 of 5 years I've attended. So I was already upset as I'd just found out this, but I mentioned how I might need some space from the event anyway, because I'm frustrated with the organizational level of the leadership, but also with how some responsibilities have been delegated. Basically, I want more responsibility than I'm getting, and I felt very vulnerable telling her this, because I feel like I can do the job well but it's so hard for me to trust my ability.
She, with completely good intentions, basically said that it was unfair of me to feel slighted over it because I hadn't specifically asked or expressed and interest in those responsibilities (It's basically that some of the people teaching are chosen to have additional tasks, so I'd never felt particularly as though it was appropriate to give extra emphasis to wanting to do these things: I submit my class list and that's where I feel my ability to influence the decision ends). She went on to say that she would never have known that I wanted to have extra leadership roles, and that if she were selecting people that she would be looking for people who had the initiative to ask for the positions specifically.
I know at this point I was defensive and on guard, and I understand her point and that her purpose wasn't to drag me down. But I'm having a hard time all the same with feeling as though she respects me as an equal. I have a very high opinion of her as a person, and she's my closest friend and typically the most understanding of my perspectives. She encourages me to expand my thinking and to confront faulty logic, but this time it just hit too close to home and I felt way too exposed.
I'm really struggling right now. It's 7 PM and all I want to do is call it a day, but I also don't want to let her know I'm upset when I know I'm being irrational about it. I know I'm in a downward spiral, haven't been taking care of myself: haven't cooked dinner and am starting to get low blood sugar type symptoms/brain fog. I have the feeling that I'm going to end up on the verge of a SI incident tonight. I have to go to my service dog training tomorrow, so that's extra stress and pressure, as well as fear if I do lose control tonight in case of someone noticing injuries. It's also going to be a really long few days ahead, and I need to try to keep it together even though I'm anything but right now.
She, with completely good intentions, basically said that it was unfair of me to feel slighted over it because I hadn't specifically asked or expressed and interest in those responsibilities (It's basically that some of the people teaching are chosen to have additional tasks, so I'd never felt particularly as though it was appropriate to give extra emphasis to wanting to do these things: I submit my class list and that's where I feel my ability to influence the decision ends). She went on to say that she would never have known that I wanted to have extra leadership roles, and that if she were selecting people that she would be looking for people who had the initiative to ask for the positions specifically.
I know at this point I was defensive and on guard, and I understand her point and that her purpose wasn't to drag me down. But I'm having a hard time all the same with feeling as though she respects me as an equal. I have a very high opinion of her as a person, and she's my closest friend and typically the most understanding of my perspectives. She encourages me to expand my thinking and to confront faulty logic, but this time it just hit too close to home and I felt way too exposed.
I'm really struggling right now. It's 7 PM and all I want to do is call it a day, but I also don't want to let her know I'm upset when I know I'm being irrational about it. I know I'm in a downward spiral, haven't been taking care of myself: haven't cooked dinner and am starting to get low blood sugar type symptoms/brain fog. I have the feeling that I'm going to end up on the verge of a SI incident tonight. I have to go to my service dog training tomorrow, so that's extra stress and pressure, as well as fear if I do lose control tonight in case of someone noticing injuries. It's also going to be a really long few days ahead, and I need to try to keep it together even though I'm anything but right now.
