Functional but symptomatic


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Like so many, I got a lot of black and white info about mental health when I was a kid. Ultimately, every person with mental health problems should have their own rubber room.

Imagine my confusion when I did real, free grown-up stuff while still struggling with serious PTSD symptoms. And, even more astounding, this neurotic mess continues to become more functional even in the midst of tremendous self-doubt and observable evidence of trauma like frequent poor eye contact and horrible posture. I also have a head that DOES NOT STOP -- but what it is chewing on me about matters a whole lot less than what I am trying to accomplish most of the time these days. It's like walking through an overgrown labyrinth. But I picked up a pair of coveralls somewhere and I get to wear them when I am out there in the world. At home, I get scratched and discouraged but I know when I go back out there, I have some armor.

Anyway, anyway... I am still sort of baffled all these years into this. I am also at a point where I have a number of positives in my life that exist because I have functioned and do function even when I am having symptoms which means that there is a productive life happening here -- perhaps just as productive a life as those belonging to the rubber room builders.

What a crock of shit that was. But that doesn't mean it didn't cause some damage. I thought I had to stop having PTSD or my life was going to be horrible for a long time. I thought I would always feel restrained somehow.

Thank God I live in a world where people have a chance. Thank you all for being here with me to remind me that some of the wisdom passed by generations is actually soul-crushing garbage.
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