Funeral tomorrow & I’m SCARED 😞

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
So within the past few weeks I’ve recovered so many memories of being molested as a child including one of the molesters (my father). It’s been hard, tumultuous but also so rewarding that I’ve finally managed to remember concrete things.

Two days ago my uncle died. My father’s brother. He’s the last of my aunts & uncles from my father’s side. Very sad. He was a sweetheart.

But everything’s now tainted with horrible questions like, did this one know something? Did that one molest me too? And of course I also feel like crap for tarnishing my father’s “memory”.

Anyway, uncles funeral is tomorrow & I’m having panic attacks & anxiety attacks. Until a few hours ago I managed to not think about it but with tomorrow looming over me… it’s starting to take a toll.

I’m also gripped with tremendous fear. He will be buried in the same cemetery as father. And I don’t want to be anywhere near there. I know it’s irrational, he can’t do anything to me but still I’m petrified.

My siblings know how I’ve remembered that father did this to me. Most have been kind but also most have said that although they believe me, they don’t know how to compute that their father did this.

So although I’ll be surrounded by loving family (most being cousins who don’t know) I can’t talk to any of them about what I’m feeling. And I think it’s really insensitive to talk about my issues when their just grieving.


I know that if I reached out, my T would offer to talk on the phone but I don’t want to… I don’t know what to say &… I hate taking up any of T’s time outside of our scheduled sessions.

So I come to you. Hoping for something… kindness perhaps? Advice? I don’t know. I leave that up to you & thank you in advance for taking time out to reply to me.

I’m so so very scared :(((
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Hello @Smile , I am so very sorry for your loss.

If this is not helpful, I apologize and just disregard.

I am guessing to have the funeral so quickly, there was warning. I think you are right that the questions are tormenting you, but it won't be the time or place to focus on it. Your cousins will be grieving, as you are, but in a different way as it is their father, but there's no greater thing you can do than be present to someone in a tragedy, or grief, or suffering, especially when you share the pain. You describe them as good people, and so it doesn't sound like it will be confrontational, but you can also choose however not to go (you do have a choice). With covid you can say you don't feel well (you won't feel well), and don't want to risk it, if need be. Or split the difference, and don't go to the cemetery. If it's someone trusted, (or even a family member), you can even say, it's too much atm, with my father buried there. Or, you are going to let them go ahead, you have a terrible migraine (you might).

If you choose to go to the funeral, you can put a scent on kleenex to stay grounded (pleasant or pungent, or even Vics Vapor Rub) to ground, no one will notice that. And the bathroom is a place to regroup, you can't be followed there. I'm sure there are many other ideas: bring something you can hold that brings you comfort; dig your nails in your wrist or hand if all else fails (not recommended, though I do it). One hour, 1 1/2, tops, is all you need to get through. Even earplugs, if you need them, or cotton with your hair over. It's all fair and not to beat yourself up about. The others have a different perspective, you have to do what works for you. Your uncle's connection to you is not just those few moments.

Most of all, because you said your uncle was a sweetheart, I would 'ask' him what to do, or think of how he responded to extreme stress. You could leave your T a msg and see if there is a response tomorrow morning. Try to literally shelve it in your mind until tomorrow, knowing that choosing to go or not are both quite allright. Tell yourself you'll see how you feel after you sleep on it.

I'm sorry Smile. Remember to try to be soft and gentle with yourself. Your uncle would want that most of all. The relationship you had with him when he was living is what counted, and your cousins will likely be thankful if you come, but focused on their own grief rather than you, if you choose you can't. If you choose to go, it may also go better than you fear. I will be pulling for you either way, and hope you give an update.

Much love and hugs to you. 💙💙💙💙

ETA, it might help to put in to words (briefly) what specifically scares you about it..
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I agree with @Rosebud.

You don't need to go if it is too hard. There are other ways of saying goodbye to someone and honouring their life. It's ok if you decide to do that. You wouldn't be letting people down. You would be protecting yourself. You could give a reason why you weren't going, like you weren't feeling well (there is a pandemic.....).

If you do decide to go:
Is there one sibling you can say this to so that you have someone checking on you and supporting you in the fully knowledge of how you are feeling?
Or: can you go to part of it (i.e. the service) but not to the burial (if that is the bit that will be the hardest if that bit is closer to where your dad is buried?)
Or: of it gets too much, do you feel able to leave?
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
I can absolutely relate to your feelings. I hope things are going ok. In my own experience, situations like what you're dealing with have gone better than I expected them to and I found support in totally unexpected places. One of the things I've done is to figure out who else was present that seemed "safe" and hung out with them. That can just be someone who's pretty outgoing and likes to talk so they'd care most of the conversation. Then focus on what's' happening in the moment and don't give yourself time to think about anything else. (I think this works better for some people than others.) Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!
Most have been kind but also most have said that although they believe me, they don’t know how to compute that their father did this.
That's a whole other topic and it's one I'm finding is kind of complicated and difficult to deal with! :(
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Hello @Smile , I am so very sorry for your loss.

If this is not helpful, I apologize and just disregard.

I am guessing to have the funeral so quickly, there was warning. I think you are right that the questions are tormenting you, but it won't be the time or place to focus on it. Your cousins will be grieving, as you are, but in a different way as it is their father, but there's no greater thing you can do than be present to someone in a tragedy, or grief, or suffering, especially when you share the pain. You describe them as good people, and so it doesn't sound like it will be confrontational, but you can also choose however not to go (you do have a choice). With covid you can say you don't feel well (you won't feel well), and don't want to risk it, if need be. Or split the difference, and don't go to the cemetery. If it's someone trusted, (or even a family member), you can even say, it's too much atm, with my father buried there. Or, you are going to let them go ahead, you have a terrible migraine (you might).

If you choose to go to the funeral, you can put a scent on kleenex to stay grounded (pleasant or pungent, or even Vics Vapor Rub) to ground, no one will notice that. And the bathroom is a place to regroup, you can't be followed there. I'm sure there are many other ideas: bring something you can hold that brings you comfort; dig your nails in your wrist or hand if all else fails (not recommended, though I do it). One hour, 1 1/2, tops, is all you need to get through. Even earplugs, if you need them, or cotton with your hair over. It's all fair and not to beat yourself up about. The others have a different perspective, you have to do what works for you. Your uncle's connection to you is not just those few moments.

Most of all, because you said your uncle was a sweetheart, I would 'ask' him what to do, or think of how he responded to extreme stress. You could leave your T a msg and see if there is a response tomorrow morning. Try to literally shelve it in your mind until tomorrow, knowing that choosing to go or not are both quite allright. Tell yourself you'll see how you feel after you sleep on it.

I'm sorry Smile. Remember to try to be soft and gentle with yourself. Your uncle would want that most of all. The relationship you had with him when he was living is what counted, and your cousins will likely be thankful if you come, but focused on their own grief rather than you, if you choose you can't. If you choose to go, it may also go better than you fear. I will be pulling for you either way, and hope you give an update.

Much love and hugs to you. 💙💙💙💙

ETA, it might help to put in to words (briefly) what specifically scares you about it..
Thank you, thank you! You are SO kind to write all of this & im so much detail… I can’t tell you how much it helps/soothes me! I will try all your suggestions… they were all on the spot :)

I just want to clarify one thing: when I said I can’t talk to my cousins about this I didn’t mean my uncles children! Gosh, I’m not that bad :))) I meant my cousins who this is also their uncle… not his children but his nieces and nephews

I agree with @Rosebud.

You don't need to go if it is too hard. There are other ways of saying goodbye to someone and honouring their life. It's ok if you decide to do that. You wouldn't be letting people down. You would be protecting yourself. You could give a reason why you weren't going, like you weren't feeling well (there is a pandemic.....).

If you do decide to go:
Is there one sibling you can say this to so that you have someone checking on you and supporting you in the fully knowledge of how you are feeling?
Or: can you go to part of it (i.e. the service) but not to the burial (if that is the bit that will be the hardest if that bit is closer to where your dad is buried?)
Or: of it gets too much, do you feel able to leave?
I have to go… I can’t not, I just can’t. Good idea to tell a sibling. There is one I can tell… maybe I’ll try that… thank you 🙏🏼!!
 
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