Sufferer gay man struggling with lifelong C-PTSD and possible D.I.D....

hey everyone, recently discovered this community, it's great that something like this exists...

a bit about me...32 year old out out gay/queer cis man...I've struggled with severe mental health issues for my entire life, I actually even remember being suicidal as young as 5 years old....I was always hypervigilant and anxious and depressed and found it difficult to navigate through the world and regulate my emotions....grew up in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic narcissistic mother and homophobic stepfather who were both horribly abusive and would gaslight me throughout childhood....had uncomfortable sexual trauma when I was young, and my family certainly didn't help in that department....I have done years of therapy, and also EMDR therapy, but the EMDR therapy was actually very traumatizing and I don't think it helped as much I wanted it to....I disassociate pretty often and that can be uncomfortable and exhausting...I have little to no energy to live my life and have no motivation to want to help myself, my sense of self-worth has always been non-existent...

I struggle maintaining relationships of any kind (friendship/romantic/sexual) and tend to isolate and withdraw...I really only have one or two friends in my immediate social circle in real life....

most people don't think I have mental issues because, on the surface, I can come off as extroverted and charismatic, but I feel like that's a skill I had to develop as a survival mechanism in order to make it through the world...

I'm still somewhat navigating the site here, but I appreciate that this place exists and am eager to see and read about other peoples experiences...
 

BIgLittle

Confident
hey everyone, recently discovered this community, it's great that something like this exists...

a bit about me...32 year old out out gay/queer cis man...I've struggled with severe mental health issues for my entire life, I actually even remember being suicidal as young as 5 years old....I was always hypervigilant and anxious and depressed and found it difficult to navigate through the world and regulate my emotions....grew up in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic narcissistic mother and homophobic stepfather who were both horribly abusive and would gaslight me throughout childhood....had uncomfortable sexual trauma when I was young, and my family certainly didn't help in that department....I have done years of therapy, and also EMDR therapy, but the EMDR therapy was actually very traumatizing and I don't think it helped as much I wanted it to....I disassociate pretty often and that can be uncomfortable and exhausting...I have little to no energy to live my life and have no motivation to want to help myself, my sense of self-worth has always been non-existent...

I struggle maintaining relationships of any kind (friendship/romantic/sexual) and tend to isolate and withdraw...I really only have one or two friends in my immediate social circle in real life....

most people don't think I have mental issues because, on the surface, I can come off as extroverted and charismatic, but I feel like that's a skill I had to develop as a survival mechanism in order to make it through the world...

I'm still somewhat navigating the site here, but I appreciate that this place exists and am eager to see and read about other peoples experiences...
Hej,

Welcome to the forum. Hopefully you will findwhat you need here.

Courage.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
hey everyone, recently discovered this community, it's great that something like this exists...

a bit about me...32 year old out out gay/queer cis man...I've struggled with severe mental health issues for my entire life, I actually even remember being suicidal as young as 5 years old....I was always hypervigilant and anxious and depressed and found it difficult to navigate through the world and regulate my emotions....grew up in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic narcissistic mother and homophobic stepfather who were both horribly abusive and would gaslight me throughout childhood....had uncomfortable sexual trauma when I was young, and my family certainly didn't help in that department....I have done years of therapy, and also EMDR therapy, but the EMDR therapy was actually very traumatizing and I don't think it helped as much I wanted it to....I disassociate pretty often and that can be uncomfortable and exhausting...I have little to no energy to live my life and have no motivation to want to help myself, my sense of self-worth has always been non-existent...

I struggle maintaining relationships of any kind (friendship/romantic/sexual) and tend to isolate and withdraw...I really only have one or two friends in my immediate social circle in real life....

most people don't think I have mental issues because, on the surface, I can come off as extroverted and charismatic, but I feel like that's a skill I had to develop as a survival mechanism in order to make it through the world...

I'm still somewhat navigating the site here, but I appreciate that this place exists and am eager to see and read about other peoples experiences...
Welcome, and I feel the narcissistic parents. My dad had those trendies and ‘bad‘ emotions weren’t allowed. Like you, still trying to process and find an effective therapy. Individual helped with my trust issues. You mentioned in the title possibly having Dissociative Identity Disorders (DID), have you spoke with a psychiatrist yet about getting a definite mental health exam? It’s where they ask questions and do background. I have a relative with this disorder and empathize with how debilitating it can be. But hopefully with a sure diagnosis someone can start you on a treatment plan that works for you.
 
I very much appreciate all the warm welcomes here, knowing that others deal with similar experiences is comforting in a way...

It's troubling how alike we are. Welcome. Well my parents were good but not big help and both died

it's great to find others who relate, but given the circumstances I am sorry to hear that you have also suffered.....I know it sounds very morbid and cruel of me, but I really wish my immediate family/the people who "raised" me would just die because they are a constant source of abuse and are so toxic...I feel "haunted" by them and even though I haven't spoken to them in many years (full no-contact) in my mind I still suffer....

Welcome, and I feel the narcissistic parents. My dad had those trendies and ‘bad‘ emotions weren’t allowed. Like you, still trying to process and find an effective therapy. Individual helped with my trust issues. You mentioned in the title possibly having Dissociative Identity Disorders (DID), have you spoke with a psychiatrist yet about getting a definite mental health exam? It’s where they ask questions and do background. I have a relative with this disorder and empathize with how debilitating it can be. But hopefully with a sure diagnosis someone can start you on a treatment plan that works for you.

I have done years in therapy and psychiatric care and I have mentioned to many therapists my symtpoms and relation to D.I.D, I experience a lot of the disassociation, derealization, and depersonalization....I sometimes feel so disconnected from my own body that it can be very scary....I'm definitely trying to find helpful resources or treatment methods to helps maintain it all...
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
it's great to find others who relate, but given the circumstances I am sorry to hear that you have also suffered.....I know it sounds very morbid and cruel of me, but I really wish my immediate family/the people who "raised" me would just die because they are a constant source of abuse and are so toxic...I feel "haunted" by them and even though I haven't spoken to them in many years (full no-contact) in my mind I still suffer....
It's perfectly understanble, one of my cousin had and still has a toxic and abusive family and I have thought "I'm happy my prarents were nice but dead rather to have her family".
I'm haunted by events that weren't in control of anyone, events done by people who never wanted to make me suffer and a sibling who didn't know better at fist but still go back at abusing me once he knew what he's doing was very harmful
I'm mostly completely dissociated from my life because I was raised to be happy and make joke about horrible things (at "secure" places at least)
My father once told me while I was too mentally unstable to go to apprenticeship, thinking about horrible things and living alone with him who always my main support but was dying from cancer : everything is fine ! Everything was crumbling down in my world and he was still pretending everything was fine. I always lived with a very painful everday while being raised in a "everything is fine" mindset
 
It's perfectly understanble, one of my cousin had and still has a toxic and abusive family and I have thought "I'm happy my prarents were nice but dead rather to have her family".
I'm haunted by events that weren't in control of anyone, events done by people who never wanted to make me suffer and a sibling who didn't know better at fist but still go back at abusing me once he knew what he's doing was very harmful
I'm mostly completely dissociated from my life because I was raised to be happy and make joke about horrible things (at "secure" places at least)
My father once told me while I was too mentally unstable to go to apprenticeship, thinking about horrible things and living alone with him who always my main support but was dying from cancer : everything is fine ! Everything was crumbling down in my world and he was still pretending everything was fine. I always lived with a very painful everday while being raised in a "everything is fine" mindset

...I definitely resonate with that feeling of being "haunted"...I constantly feel like my entire body is a haunted house and I can hear the ghosts of all the terrible things that have happened to me in a constant loop...it's disturbing and debilitating...
There are a few threads here that speak about Structural Dissociation. Not sure if that would be of interest to you but thought I would mention it. Also, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and Matrix Re-imprinting were a great help for me. May you find your place of peace. 🙂🙂

I hven't heard of this term "structural dissociation" I'll definitely look around the forums and see if I can educate myself on that further...

(thank you everyone for the kind responses, and also thank you admins/moderators for cleaning up my posts)
 
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