general bad times rant

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Hello all,

I'm just having a really really bad time. Especially the last few days. I was much better for a while, but I went on a trip, and when I got back I've been so depressed and anxious. I have a psych appointment tomorrow but I've been having horrible mood swings, BPD symptoms, suicidal ideation (to the point it's not really safe for me to drive, I don't have a plan but I've looked up how to do certain stuff and then felt sick to my stomach), sef harm urges but haven't relapsed, and get into fights constantly.

Every good thing in my life I pick apart bc I don't believe it's possible for me to be happy or for good things to happen. I'm going to write the rest in the morning, I had to take extra meds to make sure I didn't hurt myself. But I'm okay. I'll try to remember to come back here tomorrow and talk it out. I'm in therapy, which is a huge help, I just am struggling a lot.

Thank you
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @blackemerald1 !! I'm back :) my psych helped, I listened to my BPD podcast and that helped, and talked with a few friends.

I'm in a like quadruple liminal space right now. I'm moving almost 1000 miles away, but I don't know when, I don't know if it'll be with my parents or by myself, I'm graduating college now entering the workforce after losing my business, in the middle of a depression and a pandemic, and I have a friend that I think I have strong feelings for (that I finally get to meet IRL soon). All four things are enough to throw me off mental health wise, but they are also the 4 like, biggest and hardest things for me to deal with.

Job search is just going to happen or I'm going to launch my own business, which is ideal for me. I have two possible steady freelance opportunities now, but I don't want to jinx it. I'm launching my site soon, and I'm so excited about it all. I just am scared I won't be able to do it I guess (even tho I have done it, and run a business for literally 17 years, and all that stuff).

Also I kept feeling super weird that like, I HAD to be in a romantic relationship with this friend or like, I can't even describe it. It's not favorite person stuff like it used to be. It was just like, so much fear, and so much expectation on myself. Right now I don't think either of us are in a space to be in a relationship, but I am terrified if I don't, they will leave, or they will find someone better than me (which, I know I'm awesome, and they've told me repeatedly they've never met someone like me, and I communicate in a way that's so thorough and soothing they aren't used to, and they have deep feelings too, and they love me and all (as a friend but we've both admitted our friendship is romantic at times)). But I keep doubting myself over and over. "This can't be real."

And it's so close to being in person and I don't know what I'm going to do. I was feeling really insecure and really bad last night and was sort of passive aggressive with them last night (which they didn't pick up on until I said hey, I'm so sorry I did this, this is where my headspace is, you don't deserve that behavior, and they forgave me and told me they loved me and wanted to still support me and be my friend and all). I was so afraid, like I'm so afraid of the feelings I have.

It's just so, so strange for me. I've never ACTUALLY liked someone that I've dated. I've never been friends with them first. I only recently came out as basically a lesbian, idk, labels are dumb I just don't feel gushy feelings towards men, other people it depends, and this is the first time I am like wow, I not only really like and love this person, the songs make sense, I start crying at happy romantic scenes bc I realized that's actually real!! People actually like and want to be with their partners!!

So many GOOD things are going on in my life. SO many good things. I have wonderful people. I have good feelings most times, but I am so, so scared. I have both never felt fear like this and never felt good things like love like this. I think I'm afraid bc I never had anything I really didn't want to lose before. Even businesses, jobs. COVID had helped with that by nuking my business last year, but now what I want to do and can do and pays well is my passion passion. It's just a lot happening at once.

Thank you all, I'm so grateful for this group!
 
You sound like you're in a incredible moment of flux and for all the wonderful things that are coming your way I am so pleased for you. For this blossoming love and passion you feel for this person, well done you! It takes a big heart to handle love both receiving and in the giving. Sounds like a wonderful opportunity business/job wise is coming soon. You won't jinx it... take it all up with a happy heart and enjoy this time and every single moment.

I am so glad your psych was helpful and also your friends. Talking things through with people you trust is such a good way of helping to balance your emotions and sort out thoughts.

I am hoping you can enjoy all of these good life events and also the challenges that are coming your way. Don't let fear stop you from enjoying these times. I know what you mean about not having had something you truly would regret losing and that's a really authentic way of understanding how much you value something or someone. At the same time grab it with both hands and enjoy it while you can. There are no guarantees in life only what you are doing right now.

Glad you came back!
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @blackemerald1 !!! I think it’s bringing up a lot of past trauma, too. I’ve had so many BPD issues lately. Maybe I’ll make a separate post about that!! But it’s also been better than it ever had so that’s good!!
 

Janet Anne

New Here
I am new on here just reading the threads and listening to others with similar issues to myself I just wanted to say the support and encouragement I am reading is amazing and although I have only written anything on here twice, this makes me feel safe .. what is on here, feedback, this is so good ...
 
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