wisteria
Confident
So, hello! I just joined. Just had my first appointment with a new therapist last week. Of course the intake forms/questions asked if I was suicidal. I said no. Because generally I'm not. Unless I get triggered, then *BOOM* it's all I can think about. The possibility of my acting on those feelings is low, like 10%, but it's still terrifying to feel that way. I am so afraid of feeling this way that I've essentially stopped working or even looking for work (my trigger is rejection and I was feeling much rejection at work). The past couple of days tho I've been so overcome by a low-grade anxiety that I can't think straight, instead I'm stuck with thoughts of hurting myself. I don't want to hurt myself but feel like I should.
I have a good idea where this stems from. When I was 18 I was in an unhealthy relationship, yet i was so desperate for someone to care about me that i chalked a lot of his behaviors up to him caring about me. At some point tho this turned malicious (which I of course didn't recognize). Him constantly offering up suggestions on ways to improve myself was one thing, but soon he pointed out the numerous ways that I was crazy and how I needed serious professional help. Eventually it got to the point where he would say that no one would ever love me because I was so crazy, that he tried to help me but I refused all attempts at his help, so I might as well kill myself and all the reasons why. I got fed up and said fine, I'll kill myself, the cops got involved and I ended up in a psych ward (he called the cops on my threat, the cops arrived and threatened to arrest me if I didn't go to the ER willingly, the ER checked me out and said I was fine but suggested I check myself into the mental health ward of the local hospital, which I did.) My mom called while I was in the hospital and yelled at me for how much it was costing her. We never talked about me being in there again, but when I went home a couple of weeks later for christmas break, she gave me an interesting christmas present.....an exacto knife complete with razor blades....so I could cut open boxes according to her. I thought nothing of it. It was normal to me. Okay, thanks mom.
Seriously? Jump ahead to 3 years ago when my mother told me she never had any love for me. BOOM! That's when I got to thinking, Who gives their daughter- who just got out of the psych ward- razor blades?? Especially since when I was 16 I used to be a cutter. And yet I still explain it away- that maybe she didn't know I was a cutter (despite the scars on the TOP of my hand), that maybe she didn't know why exactly I was in the psych ward (for supposedly being suicidal). That's me stuck in the mindset that she's the good mom, I'm the bad kid, my ex was just trying to help me and was apparently right when he said no one would ever love me. I get further stuck in the mindset that I'm unworthy and should probably just kill myself like they both apparently implied (well, I guess my ex wasn't an implication as much as a suggestion lol). I just get so darn stuck on those intrusive thoughts and I don't know how to turn them off. Unfortunately it's not like something you can bring up to the average layperson, cuz of course they would freak out or otherwise become uncomfortable. So here I am instead. How do I turn off these thoughts? I know I need to mention it to my therapist but seeing how he's new to me and I have serious trust issues (not to mention fear of commitment), I don't know when that's going to happen.
Also, does anyone else become massively suicidal when triggered?
I have a good idea where this stems from. When I was 18 I was in an unhealthy relationship, yet i was so desperate for someone to care about me that i chalked a lot of his behaviors up to him caring about me. At some point tho this turned malicious (which I of course didn't recognize). Him constantly offering up suggestions on ways to improve myself was one thing, but soon he pointed out the numerous ways that I was crazy and how I needed serious professional help. Eventually it got to the point where he would say that no one would ever love me because I was so crazy, that he tried to help me but I refused all attempts at his help, so I might as well kill myself and all the reasons why. I got fed up and said fine, I'll kill myself, the cops got involved and I ended up in a psych ward (he called the cops on my threat, the cops arrived and threatened to arrest me if I didn't go to the ER willingly, the ER checked me out and said I was fine but suggested I check myself into the mental health ward of the local hospital, which I did.) My mom called while I was in the hospital and yelled at me for how much it was costing her. We never talked about me being in there again, but when I went home a couple of weeks later for christmas break, she gave me an interesting christmas present.....an exacto knife complete with razor blades....so I could cut open boxes according to her. I thought nothing of it. It was normal to me. Okay, thanks mom.
Seriously? Jump ahead to 3 years ago when my mother told me she never had any love for me. BOOM! That's when I got to thinking, Who gives their daughter- who just got out of the psych ward- razor blades?? Especially since when I was 16 I used to be a cutter. And yet I still explain it away- that maybe she didn't know I was a cutter (despite the scars on the TOP of my hand), that maybe she didn't know why exactly I was in the psych ward (for supposedly being suicidal). That's me stuck in the mindset that she's the good mom, I'm the bad kid, my ex was just trying to help me and was apparently right when he said no one would ever love me. I get further stuck in the mindset that I'm unworthy and should probably just kill myself like they both apparently implied (well, I guess my ex wasn't an implication as much as a suggestion lol). I just get so darn stuck on those intrusive thoughts and I don't know how to turn them off. Unfortunately it's not like something you can bring up to the average layperson, cuz of course they would freak out or otherwise become uncomfortable. So here I am instead. How do I turn off these thoughts? I know I need to mention it to my therapist but seeing how he's new to me and I have serious trust issues (not to mention fear of commitment), I don't know when that's going to happen.
Also, does anyone else become massively suicidal when triggered?