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Getting back together with abuser dreams

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Dizzy

New Here
My abusers mother died in a car wreck a month or so after I left. She was a friend of my moms. Yesterday another of my moms friends died in a car wreck so I think this may have been the trigger. But sometimes I have dreams where I see my abuser after our 5 years apart and we reconcile, sometimes it’s just romance other times it’s also sex. A lot of times I’m even trying really hard to displace a girlfriend. (Maybe because I know he has one? It’s a small town and she also contacted me to ask about abuse because he drug her across a parking lot) but when I wake up I feel overwhelmingly ashamed and disgusted with myself. Because it’s like I want it so bad in my dreams. Is this normal?
 
I’ve had similar dreams. Sometimes my current partner is just a “reformed” version of my abuser and I remind him of how he used to act and how I forgave him because he got better, as if we never broke up. A lot of them are like his “essence” in another person and I wake up feeling like he’s been in my life this whole time and I chose to keep him. It’s gross.
 
I think this is really common. I used to dream pretty much every night about my ex who abused me. I still do sometimes. Appallingly, sometimes they are sex dreams.

I don't think it means anything. We're all working hard to fight against the lies our abusers told us, so it seems pretty natural that our subconscious is also thinking about the people who abused us.
 
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