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Getting it of my chest

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by Aniken, May 3, 2018.

  1. Aniken

    Aniken Guest

    Hey all of you, I don't know why I am doing this. I did not even get really raped. But somehow I need to get this of my chest.
    My Englisch isn't perfect since I am from Germany. I hope its alright.

    Before I started my studies (I was 18 years old) I did an internship at a small theatre. There was this one male homosexual actor that I was on good terms with. We met a few times outside of work. Then there was the so called "Bergfest." I do not know wether there is an English word for that or if Americans even celebrate that but in Germany you celebrate the "Bergfest" when the half amount of the scheduled performances were put to stage. There we drove to a field a bit outside the city to do some barbecue and to touch glasses. In Germany you are not allowed to drink AND drive until you are 21. So I somehow needed to get home if I drink. Thats why I chose not to drink. But the people where like that you cannot not drink. Thats why the mentioned above actor offered me to sleep at his guest mattress. The evening was funny and somewhen in the night when it already was very cold we decided to go home. Some couple drove Raffaele and me to his apartment. We arrived, he showed me my mattress, everything seemed to be fine. Until he came over to my mattress and started to touch me. I was completely confused. I said something like I thought you were gay. He smiled at me and said something like good disguise isn’t it? My mind was full of thoughts like did I act in a manner that he could think I want to hook up with him? He somewhen said sth. like did you really think I just wanted to be kind to let you sleep here. I felt very helpless in that moment: I had no money for a taxi, I could not drive because I drank alcohol and anyways my car was somewhere in the fields far away, I did not want to call my grandmother in the middle of the night and even if I wanted it how should I explain to her why I am at some 30 yr old creeps apartment in the middle of the night. So I stayed. He tried to turn me on - you guys know how that works I won’t elaborate on that - but I was only shaking. He asked me several times wether I am cold and that he will help me that I won’t be cold anymore soon. I somehow could not move so I just lay there. He recognized that I am not into hooking up with him so he said that he wants to try just one more thing. Quietly I said that I do not want to have sex with him. He said that he knows. I did not even try to throw him off of me. I just hoped that my statement will change his mind. I was to scared to disagree and always thought about where I should go when I cannot sleep at his apartment. He always replied that he just wants to try out one more thing. I did not stop shaking - gladly. Because thats what stopped him at one point. I felt that he was annoyed or disappointed. I hate it to disappoint people. In that moment I felt guilty. Retrospectively I know that this is bullshit but when you are in such a situation everything is different. This is one of the moments in my life that I felt the most helpless.
     
    Sweetleaf and Swift like this.
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  3. bellbird

    bellbird Active Member

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    I'm no expert, but this doesn't sound consensual. You said no. He continued. I'm so sorry that someone did that to you.
    Your feelings are valid. But you should know that you did nothing to feel guilty about.
    I hope you feel some small sense of relief in having written this post. And I hope that if you choose to join this forum that you will find support here :)
     
  4. Sietz

    Sietz Well-Known Member

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    It wasn't rape, but it was threatening and a violation of your boundaries. I agree with @bellbird , your feelings are valid.

    Maybe get some professional support, such as therapy? It can really help you.
     
    bellbird and Swift like this.
  5. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

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    I don't know what the laws in Germany are like.
    Where I'm from this would be called "indecent assault" or "sexual assault", depending on the specifics, which I won't ask about. We don't actually have a crime of "rape" here, just different degrees of "sexual assault."
    He knew you didn't want to hook up or touch or anything else.
    He did it anyway.
    He manipulated you into a situation where you were alone with him, a long way from home, and unable to escape.
    That's what predators do, mate.
    Freezing is a totally legitimate response.
    Mate. You did the best you could at the time. What if you had tried to fight or run or something? I don't think that would have ended well for you at all.
    You did what you did to stop yourself being hurt worse, or even murdered.
    That doesn't mean you consented.
     
    Sweetleaf, bellbird and Sietz like this.
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