Getting My Skirts Gathered Up

[VioletButterfly]

I'm not offended if someone is offended by this post, but please do move it if it is in the incorrect section. I was with my ex partner for 18 years and he abused me for 18 years. I left after 16 years. He abused me in every way possible besides black eyes/broken arms. I think the emotional/verbal/sexual cohesion were the worst of it. I feel dirty, worthless, ugly, etc.... I know those of us who've been here get it. It's a mind game - isn't it all?!?!? Wounds heal that we see.

I've had many therapists try to get me to be "mad" at him, but I couldn't as I was just as broken as he was - me as I was passive and him as he was aggressive with his own proclivities. I want to put it behind me. I 've had many life experiences that have kept me captive. I am ready to move on, now. I know who I am as child of God and that has made a huge differences. I want to move on. How do we do this? Do I forgive myself, forgive him, let it go, look for another? How do I trust another? Heck. I don't trust my therapist. I just feel so alone and isolated. I'm terrified by men so "match", etc... don't make sense. I was thinking of Meet-up groups. The Christian groups kind of creep me out as I think a lot of them are judgmental. I feel good in my church, but there are 20,000 believers.... See what I'm saying? Do I need to hold my nose and jump in the deep end? I don't want to hurt myself, but I don't have close friends to make an intro, so what else is a girl to do? VB

 

[RavenGirl]

I can only speak for myself, so here I go. Take what I say for what it is, my opinion. ;) Keep what you want and ignore the rest.
I definitely say FORGIVE yourself! As for him, it's up to you whether you forgive or not. No one can tell you what's right or wrong, you have to do what's in your heart and what you feel is right because you have to live with the choices you make. I say go slowly in the dating game, but date. There's a lot of great men or there, don't let a rotten apple spoil the whole barrel for you. Imagine if men judged us all by one rotten woman... you are great and you will find a great man who will be lucky to have you.:) Take a leap of faith. :angelic: (If I wouldn't of done that I never would of met my husband of 27 years! ) Be brave, you deserve to be happy. :tup:

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I'm not offended if someone is offended by this post

I am not offended is someone is offended of me being offended of them being offended. ha Seriously, you should forgive yourself, but tell him to kiss your butt. It is okay to be angry, even God can feel anger. You have been very wronged, and you have every right to be pissed off. Pardon my french. . If your abuser wants "forgiveness", he should get religion..

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure why you would expect people to be offended by your wanting to date?

Although that your mind goes there at all makes me wonder how long you have been out of this abusive marriage?

And I can say that this

I feel dirty, worthless, ugly, etc.... I

Is usually a very bad headspace in which to start dating. Or, rather, a very good predictor of moving from one abusive relationship into another.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's the great thing about being single after a long relationship... you get to start all over again, and be more choosey and selective. You now know what doesn't work, what you don't like, and qualities that you find distasteful in a partner. Now you get to find somebody who is better suited to you.

If you are comfortable in your own church, and faith is something that is important for you in a new partner, then why not look there? Do they have social events, singles workshops, etc.? There may be somebody great right there under your nose. At the very least it will be good practice socializing with men again in a safe place.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Wow, as usual wonderful questions and thoughts to ponder. I, certainly, appreciate your responses. Maybe I'm just afraid. I left him in 2006 (from 1990), but we held on until 2008. The problem is that I had a horribly destructive therapist in the interim who drove me away from him instead of working it out (I had no tools, nor had he) and then those decisions were thereafter coupled with unemployment, well....... desc. It seems my caregivers only ever provided for financial needs my entire life (parents/partners). So, there is a cognitive distortion, split between relationships and employers. I think you get this. I've spoken with my current T about this, but as she has been out of town during all of this turmoil with the job, etc...for the most of the past few months it is top of list when we reconnect in the next 2-3 weeks.

She and I will have to unravel the sexual cohesion/abuse scenario from self-blame, but I don't know what to do with the rest of it. I hope she had a hint of a clue to do with this as I see cohesion as a co-out for me but not for anyone else. See, terribly distorted. I keep reading and learning from posts. It's going to take u s a while with the eating disorder on board. God keeps me going though; I know I have to be strong to get through this and serve my purpose - to help others. VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

Just a second response because I totally screwed up on my first response. Thank you for you encouragement (Raven - after 27 years!!!!!, yes man'am!!! I am ready to try again. Wow, you are brave. Friday Jones - yes, head space - I think my current T would be on board with this - I'm just so darn lonesome and friends are hard to come by - my own work though. Whispering Truth - on board with you, but saddled with major/extensive psych guilt. I did wish him the best and blessed him, and asked for forgiveness when we last spoke before his wedding in 2011 before I hit a 12 step group! :) SweatPea - Yes, I've looked there before, but I am determined to look in a different direction this time. With 20,000, it's a bit daunting, but if God wants it to happen, it will. :) Tks.! VB I think what I'm getting from my T is that I need to be able to sit still with my self. I can't do this right now, so I'm looking at this situation sideways. Make sense? Sometimes, I have to work around my mown insecurities and psych proclivities.