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Childhood Getting spanked and striped naked waist down as a kid traumatized me

Thread starter #1
I really think it did. It disgusts me thinking about it now and I can’t talk to anyone without feeling like they won’t take me seriously. My dad would make us strip naked waist down for it and go over his lap. ..I think the effects must be worse for a girl or maybe just for me.

He started when I was 3 or 4 and didn’t stop until I was 11 maybe. I remember the last time freaking out because I had pubic hairs and I didn’t want my siblings to see. That time I ended up talking my way out of it luckily. But every other time before that still messed with me. I would worry about it all the time, every action was based on whether or not I would get it.

Also, I started hitting myself at 5 and I started really liking pain. My dad just used his hand but I hit myself with whatever. I would go in my room blast the tv and hide in the closet and do it so no one could hear me. I also would draw pictures of it happening to others, look up the words spank in the dictionary, and play games with my siblings about it. It was like I was obsessed or broken to a point where I fixated on it.

And I was great at hiding it because no one ever noticed or said anything. I even asked my dad to do it twice out of nowhere at 6 or 7 without doing anything bad and of course both times he explained that he only can do that if I did something bad. But it still confuses me of his lack of concern for his daughter asking for that kind of thing and how he continued more years of doing it. Other things I often felt as a kid were intense shame and high self consciousness. I felt like everyone knew. I wasn’t comfortable with my body and It didn’t feel like it was mine completely.

I stopped hitting myself at 12 and traded it for self harm. And I still fantasized getting hurt. I started reading stories about it online and didn’t realize at the time that It was arousing me until I reached college years. I was fine with that though. I accepted that I liked pain and would actively seek out abusive guys and would fantasize them punishing me. sometimes I would get a rise out of them just do they would hit me. I went into a bdsm phase that I once I realized it was just a compulsion to repeat trauma I pulled myself out of it.

At that point I hated myself and wanted it to stop. I hated feeling the way I did and felt alone completely. You can’t just outwardly say getting spanked traumatized me and expect someone to listen. Most people that I told were on anonymous chat sites and used it to their advantage to get off while others would either laugh or deny that getting spanked wasn’t the issue because it happened to them and they’re fine so I must have something wrong with me. So I went back to denying myself and cutting a lot. And it took years and lots of self work to get over it.

Fast forward I thought all the work was done and I was finally normal. I have 2 kids and vowed never to hit them. I never want what happened to me to happen to them and i never want them to feel how I felt. What brought me to this site was when my boyfriend threatened to spank them once. I ended up raging. Once the kids were gone to daycare I screamed at him to the top of my lungs for probably 10 minutes he said that he couldn’t understand what I was saying and I honestly couldn't make sense if I tried. I was just screaming. I knew what I wanted to say in my head but some words were mixed up and I probably just sounded incoherent...I also lost my voice the next day so I know I went to far and over exaggerated the situation. but it was like I snapped and while I was angry at him part of me went away.

I still have no idea where all of that anger came from but maybe it was the traumatized part of me screaming. It scared me and is still confusing me.

I told my boyfriend what my dad did to me and he said he would never do that he just meant 1-2 hits and I felt even more foolish. We agreed to take a break for a bit and we’re back together now but I still can’t tell him things like this bother me. If people even start talking about disciplining their kids that way my blood boils and I have to leave the conversation, I can’t hear kids crying in the stores or tantruming because it triggers me a I freak out that their caretaker will hit them in front of everyone. I try to hide when I’m upset over these things so no one notices but it’s irritating that this still bothers me.

I don’t want to go to a therapist about this because I don’t think they will take me seriously either. I’m scared my trauma is laughable but I hoped posting this would help to get it off my chest and it did. Comments are welcome, and I’ll try to be okay with advise or criticism. It would also be nice to know I’m not alone because I feel like I am most of the time.
 
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#2
Hi my CSA is a little different than what you describe, and my life experience but you wrote a post that got to me, I can tell when I start skimming lol. I've always said I had battered women's syndromes but since I'm a man nobody really listened . Men aren’t supposed to be like this. I do though, im living it out right now with my wife. I'm safe and stuff but it's all the repressed memories and re enactment and I get off on it. I’m afraid now to interact with people because I use them as a kind of self harm.

So I'll.say though the circumstances are different I feel almost exactly like this. So complicated. Thanks for posting
 

joeylittle

Administrator
#3
I don’t want to go to a therapist about this because I don’t think they will take me seriously either. I’m scared my trauma is laughable but I hoped posting this would help to get it off my chest and it did.
I'm glad you posted.

What you're writing about isn't laughable. If you look around the forum, you'll probably find that there's always disagreement around "spanking" - is it abuse, is it not abuse, can it sometimes abuse...on and on. But what's clear from your post is that these events had a profound effect on your development, even to the point where you found your behaviors developing around the feelings you had/have about them. And it's also clear that you are afraid, and hurting, and don't want to keep dragging this confusion around with you.

I'd say - any therapist should take that seriously. Now, some therapists are really bad at their jobs, that's just the reality. But if you specifically look for a trauma therapist, when you call to set up an appointment you can request a brief phone conversation (usually about 20 minutes) where you can get a sense of what that therapist does, and you can tell them what you're afraid of. You can even tell them what you want to work on. Doing this over the phone can be easier than trying to do it in person, and if you don't feel like you can talk with them, or that they can't help you - then, you don't make the appointment. I know that is likely to sound scary, but it's really that simple.

The therapist's job is to help you, not to judge you.
Most people that I told were on anonymous chat sites and used it to their advantage to get off while others would either laugh or deny that getting spanked wasn’t the issue because it happened to them and they’re fine so I must have something wrong with me. So I went back to denying myself and cutting a lot. And it took years and lots of self work to get over it.
Those people are assholes. You should feel proud of yourself for doing that self-work to move past all that judgement. And if you can tap into that determination, and use it to find that therapist who is going to help you - I'm just saying, you can do this. And you have nothing to feel ashamed of.
 
Thread starter #4
Hi my CSA is a little different than what you describe, and my life experience but you wrote a post that got to me, I can tell when I start skimming lol. I've always said I had battered women's syndromes but since I'm a man nobody really listened . Men aren’t supposed to be like this. I do though, im living it out right now with my wife. I'm safe and stuff but it's all the repressed memories and re enactment and I get off on it. I’m afraid now to interact with people because I use them as a kind of self harm.

So I'll.say though the circumstances are different I feel almost exactly like this. So complicated. Thanks for posting
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It sucks when you try to communicate what you’re going through and people just brush it off. I really do hope you’re safe..
I used to tell people on chat sites what happened to me and how it effected me to get validation but stopped once i realized when it comes to that thing people are set in there ways ..no matter what side they’re on. I’m finally accepting what happened and that even though it effected me differently than other people, it’s my experience and my responsibility to heal from it.
You mentioned CSA and even though I can’t say my experience is anywhere near what people who went through that was, i think it had similar effects sadly. And it just isolates me more because It usually doesn’t effect people like that.
Yes I use people as self harm though I’ve been working on myself to not do that. My boyfriend called me out on liking when he’s mad or mean to me and asked why I did once and it literally shook my world. I had no idea anyone noticed.
Thank you for your comment, it’s nice to know I’m not completely alone.
 
Thread starter #5
I'm glad you posted.

What you're writing about isn't laughable. If you look around the forum, you'll probably find that there's always disagreement around "spanking" - is it abuse, is it not abuse, can it sometimes abuse...on and on. But what's clear from your post is that these events had a profound effect on your development, even to the point where you found your behaviors developing around the feelings you had/have about them. And it's also clear that you are afraid, and hurting, and don't want to keep dragging this confusion around with you.

I'd say - any therapist should take that seriously. Now, some therapists are really bad at their jobs, that's just the reality. But if you specifically look for a trauma therapist, when you call to set up an appointment you can request a brief phone conversation (usually about 20 minutes) where you can get a sense of what that therapist does, and you can tell them what you're afraid of. You can even tell them what you want to work on. Doing this over the phone can be easier than trying to do it in person, and if you don't feel like you can talk with them, or that they can't help you - then, you don't make the appointment. I know that is likely to sound scary, but it's really that simple.

The therapist's job is to help you, not to judge you.

Those people are assholes. You should feel proud of yourself for doing that self-work to move past all that judgement. And if you can tap into that determination, and use it to find that therapist who is going to help you - I'm just saying, you can do this. And you have nothing to feel ashamed of.
Most people I talked to were like that. They usually just outright deny what happened and say it didn’t effect you that way because I didn’t effect me that way it must be something else. One guy even said that my situation was sad but funny. Which made me even more ashamed.
Sometimes people don’t even consider listening. Thank you for your support I’m trying even though the whole thing is embarrassing. I may consider a therapist in the long run.
 
#6
I think part of the problem is that spanking runs a spectrum from a single swift swat to the behind, while fully clothed, allllll the way to full on beatings that injure a child.

I’m not so much defending the people who minimized your suffering as much as I’m saying they know not of what they speak of, out of ignorance.

I think that to you it wasn’t “just” spankings. Call it what it is. You were physically abused and humiliated. I think you’ll find that more people are supportive with a change in language that involves zero lying whatsoever.
 
Thread starter #7
I think part of the problem is that spanking runs a spectrum from a single swift swat to the behind, while fully clothed, allllll the way to full on beatings that injure a child.

I’m not so much defending the people who minimized your suffering as much as I’m saying they know not of what they speak of, out of ignorance.

I think that to you it wasn’t “just” spankings. Call it what it is. You were physically abused and humiliated. I think you’ll find that more people are supportive with a change in language that involves zero lying whatsoever.
That makes a lot of sense. I know some people that say when they say spank they mean 1-2 pops clothes on. I’d rather not go into detail on a casual conversation about what I went through and what it led to — that’s a silence inducer for sure haha. But you’re right about realizing that there’s a spectrum. Using this site helps, I feel a lot more validated now and it keeps me from getting as triggered. It’s hard to say I was abused because I don’t think my dad meant to abuse me in anyway. His intentions weren’t there. He always says he got way worse when I bring it up and he says that it’s weird that I’m so upset about it now even though I’m an adult. I never told him why, but he unknowingly left years of emotional confusion and scars that he’ll probably never know of. My boyfriend wants me to tell him how he hurt me but I can’t ever bring myself to do that. People get really defensive if you mention it caused sexual problems and although some people can say maybe it did cause that maybe it didn’t. Im 90% certain it caused mine I was too fixated on it at a young age to deny that. Nevertheless, I know I’m also probably the 1 in a million chance so there’s that... anyways thank you for your post.
 
#9
I don’t want to go to a therapist about this because I don’t think they will take me seriously either.
Other way around, actually.

Look... best case scenario? Your dad is an amazing person who not only didn’t have any intent of hurting you but disciplined you with kindness, deliberation, and restraint? And you reacted in a completely different way than almost anyone else would in the same situation? That points to OTHER serious issues. Like sensory processing issues that can be a part of ADHD, Autism Spectrum, Anxiety Disorders, Depressive Disorders, OCD, etc. Beciase that’s what people who are not neurotyoical do : they react in seemingly bizarre ways to completely normal things. And that’s just on the psych side of things. There are also a lot of medical conditions that cause extreme pain, or extreme reactions to pain. (Especially certain congenital heart defects, but also things like asthma, chronic kidney infections, chronic ear infections, etc.) HOWEVER? Once you find out what the baseline is? All of a sudden it not only makes perfect sense, but is exactly how someone with condition XYZ would react. You’re not responding in a bizarre way, you’re responding in a completely normal and expected way, given the circumstance. But you have to find out what that circumstance is, for it to a) make sense & b) give you tools to work around it and through it // for both what happened in the past, and how it’s affecting your life now... as well as...how it will affect you in the furture.

Worst case scenario? You’ve been badly abused, but we’re taught to call taking a beating by an innocuous name. Like children who are raped at night, taught to call it a “goodnight kiss” so that when they eventually tell others, they get told goodnight kisses are normal. Sure, you don’t want to sometimes, but that’s everyone. Your dad loves you. Give him a kiss goodnight, for heavens sake!

Do either of those situations sound laughable, not serious, no big deal? Or are they BOTH a big deal, that rate being taken seriously, and sorted?
 
#10
I have some lingering mind issues that have greatly affected me from a single incident of CSA. It’s so shaming that I was afraid to tell my T. We’ve only brushed around the subject and it’s still there despite her care. Please know that how your past affected your thinking and your mind are not a reflection of who you are. You are a mother who loves her precious children and therapy will help you be even stronger for them and your relationships.
 
Thread starter #11
Other way around, actually.

Look... best case scenario? Your dad is an amazing person who not only didn’t have any intent of hurting you but disciplined you with kindness, deliberation, and restraint? And you reacted in a completely different way than almost anyone else would in the same situation? That points to OTHER serious issues. Like sensory processing issues that can be a part of ADHD, Autism Spectrum, Anxiety Disorders, Depressive Disorders, OCD, etc. Beciase that’s what people who are not neurotyoical do : they react in seemingly bizarre ways to completely normal things. And that’s just on the psych side of things. There are also a lot of medical conditions that cause extreme pain, or extreme reactions to pain. (Especially certain congenital heart defects, but also things like asthma, chronic kidney infections, chronic ear infections, etc.) HOWEVER? Once you find out what the baseline is? All of a sudden it not only makes perfect sense, but is exactly how someone with condition XYZ would react. You’re not responding in a bizarre way, you’re responding in a completely normal and expected way, given the circumstance. But you have to find out what that circumstance is, for it to a) make sense & b) give you tools to work around it and through it // for both what happened in the past, and how it’s affecting your life now... as well as...how it will affect you in the furture.

Worst case scenario? You’ve been badly abused, but we’re taught to call taking a beating by an innocuous name. Like children who are raped at night, taught to call it a “goodnight kiss” so that when they eventually tell others, they get told goodnight kisses are normal. Sure, you don’t want to sometimes, but that’s everyone. Your dad loves you. Give him a kiss goodnight, for heavens sake!

Do either of those situations sound laughable, not serious, no big deal? Or are they BOTH a big deal, that rate being taken seriously, and sorted?
I think you’re right. If you don’t mind me asking — can you give your honest opinion on what case scenario you think this is going off on my original post.

I think you’re minimizing by saying you’re one in a million....I think you’d find it’s more common than that for your level of abuse.
Yes, I’ve heard of this from some people in bdsm. But when I talk to someone not in that group about it like on a random chat they sometimes react as if I’m being incredulous. I am starting to notice this is if they were raised that way or are raising someone that way — it may just make them feel defensive and has nothing to do with me. Still I feel that I am of the few and i hate how it made me turn out. I feel as if I’m on my own island when around most people of the conversation comes around and of course I stay silent.
 
#12
If you don’t mind me asking — can you give your honest opinion on what case scenario you think this is going off on my original post.
I don't think anyone on the forum can answer this for you, no matter how honest they are being. None of us were there, none of us know you irl. So, what you think of it and what a professional that knows you thinks your perception is due to matters way more. So taking everything you've experienced plus read here into consideration. What are your own thoughts?
 
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