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General Getting to yes without a (verbal) fight.

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Cflr

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My SO went to visit a relative. The trip went well. Now he is back and has half unpacked. The items he took are now in the guestroom/warehouse (another area of contention but unimportant now), bathroom counter, dining room table.
Any ideas about how to request that he put away his Stuff?
I know that he will feel put upon and will resist, angrily.
Are there ways I can phrase my request that may result in less stress?
 
I read your first post where you wrote that if he can't find his stuff, you will be blamed. My thinking is that if you don't move his stuff or you don't tell him where to put his stuff, he has no reason to blame you. I'm not diminishing your angst that he leaves his stuff all over the house but in the grand scheme of living with a PTSD sufferer, I try not to sweat the small stuff. I'm even trying to not sweat the big stuff. My sufferer doesn't need the added stress and I certainly don't need it.

I'm learning here to pick my battles better now in the hopes of winning the war later.

Take care.
 
Mmm - I hear you!

This is an ongoing issue for me and my veteran. He leaves stuff EVERYWHERE! I have tried ignoring it but he then complains that we live in a "pigsty" and that I am not houseproud enough (wtf?). He will ask me to clean up and then be cranky when he can't find his stuff (again - wtf?).

So as much as I hear the advice of people saying "meh - don't let it bother you" that is not an option for me. If I leave him to put his own stuff away the outcome is that it will simply collect, multiply and he'll verbally abuse me for being a shit housekeeper. If I put it away the outcome is that he won't know where it is and will verbally abuse me for "losing" it.

Sigh!
 
One way you could phrase your request might be, "I understand you just got back from your trip and the last thing you probably feel like doing is putting your stuff away. I see your not fully unpacked yet, I can understand you may feel overwhelmed and worn out, is there something I can do to help you finish unpacking and putting your stuff where it belongs?"

If that doesn't work, I'd get a box and put all of his stuff in it and put it on his dresser. It's not like he's going to go to bother spreading it back out all over the house.
 
@Cflr We will all support you in every way we can. What works for one may not work for others. We each take what works and leave the rest. I think, for me, just to come here and be with others walking the same road together helps me so much. I'm glad you are feeling better :hug:
 
I hate people moving my stuff mostly because I have a hard enough time remembering where I put something if it isn't in plain site. At the same time, especially if I have just come home, and am overwhelmed from being out in public, I need time to decompress before I put stuff away. I also panic when I can't find something because I don't know where my spouse put it. I need things to either be exactly where I left it, or only have one possible location to look.

Solution, I Rubbermaid "clutter box" if hubby doesn't want to look at it, or I just need a place to drop things for me to go through or put away later, this is a convenient solution and you can put a lid on it. If you only ever put stuff he leaves out in the "clutter box" he will always know where to find it.
 
Not sure if I get the problem. Actually my guy is the opposite of yours because he hates chaos.

Can't you just ask him to put his stuff away?

My guy hates me moving his stuff to places where he cannot find it. Does yours hate it too? You could ask "I am going to put your stuff away. Where does this belong? Where does that belong?"

@Sighs: You aren't the only one who is blamed to be a shit housekeeper. *sigh* I admit our house is not immaculate and sometimes even messy, but we have got children and while sometimes he helps a lot sometimes he does not contribute at all, because he needs to paint or play a video game which he needs to be doing for his mental health... that is fine for me... but do not blame the chaos in our home on me.
He has NO idea how much work keeping house can be.

Having said this if I was in @Cflr's place I would just ask him... but mine typically puts his own stuff away because he fears the children will break it or mess with it otherwise... he is actually a bit afraid of his things getting broken or messed with... so I think I might used that fear and tell him his stuff might get broken if he leaves it in his place.
 
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