• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Getting worse

Status
Not open for further replies.

Lifesux

New Here
hi all,
First off, just want to say hi and wish everybody the best. Now On to my ptsd problem. Have had ptsd since my return from Vietnam. I can't get events out of my head, they haunt me night and day. I retired in 2000 and I thought things would be better but I have steadily gotten worse. Severe depression, anxiety and sleep disturbances, I'm up at 3am every morning because of nightmares. We sleep in different bedrooms because of my tossing and turning and dreams. I can't lay there and try to go back to sleep because my mind just keeps reliving events. My spouse knows me well enough and recognizes the symptoms then asks "what's the matter". Which just makes it worse because I just can't talk about it.

When I was over there I developed another sense. I could tell when something bad was about to happen and this gift caused severe anxiety and hyper vigilance.
I don't leave the house unless absolutely necessary because I don't trust anyone out there. I feel everything is a set up. If someone even approaches me I go into a defense mode by answering as little as possible and retreating.
I drink because it helps me relax. I quit taking the meds the VA gave me because they steal your soul, your essence, the very thing that makes you, you. I had no feelings or emotions when taking them.
I can't attend any event or family functions. I didn't go to my best friends funeral, I didn't attend my nieces wedding. I won't go to anything that involves a crowd. Don't ask me out to eat, I'll tell you up front,
no.
I am becoming more reclusive, distant.
Thank you for letting me vent.
 
Welcome, glad you found us, tho hating the reason . Reaching out is a huge step.... you will get a lot of support here and a lot of understanding.. we may not have the same experiences, but we do have the same feelings... I don't do crowds either, and my gut is in a knot while going out to eat, but do try to push myself in that area a little more...

Hope you start to feel a 'part of things' here... you will read many threads and articles that will let you know you are not alone..
Glad you are here....
 
I don't much participate in the game called life, not as expected and scripted by most, anyway. I'm highly sensitive to artificial anything, which automatically eliminates many spaces from my list of places I wish to breathe in and spend my current-$ee, be it energetically or monetarily.

I don't do formal events of any kind (my family learned it's easier and healthier to accept my absence for those few hours than it was to repeatedly observe and feel the ripples of my anxious breakdowns each time one would be approaching), can only eat in certain spaces (I drastically changed to a whole food plant-based consumption lifestyle for the health of it, then learned of the ethical and purposeful practice nightmares of the food industries), can't handle being in crowded spaces with alcohol and smoke, can't stand shopping arenas of any kind, unless it's a farmers market or fair trade/hand made space, but can turn into a social flutterby when I feel comfortable and can breathe easily within the space I'm sharing.

I've had to learn to seek more of what makes me comfortable and joyful, and that happens to mostly be nature for now. Planting seeds, observing the wildlife, practicing patience, learning to appreciate the sounds, discovering how to safely nurture myself through things freely growing, planting things on purpose to grow and nourish me, and realizing day after day that connection with air, fire, water, and earth is critical in my maintaining a healthier existence. It's one of many tools in my therapeutic tool box.

Are there things you have access to doing that bring you joy or comfort, healthily? If so, do much more of that! Schedule it, along with other self-care methods you practice, in your day just as if it were your new job. You're now your new full-time job. The pay sucks but the benefits can be kinda cool some days.

If not, can you think of any to try and perhaps ease into that won't create more harm than it helps? Wishing you some peace of mind. It's difficult to redesign that much free time, especially with a mind and heart already heavy with worries and such. Welcome to the community. Glad you reached out.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top