Relationship GF broke up after i got upset


New Here
I (33M) was dating a (30TF) and things were going great. We got along and honestly could always find things to talk about as we're long distance. We can joke about anything and her sense of humor was a crude as mine. I knew things weren't great with her father growing up but from what I knew, he was more of an absentee drunk father than abusive.

A few nights ago we were drinking and she said she was going to bed, which is usually code for me to call her and talk privately instead of our friend group. I call and she hangs up, i call again, she hangs up, i call again, she hangs up which is really weird. Uncharacteristically, i got my feeling hurt and got upset, and sent her a message saying something stupid about her not caring about what I had to say and how it was a shitty thing to do. I know, not a great thing to do, but I messed up.

Apparently, that "rang alarm bells" because it's something that her father used to do. Apparently he was majorly abusive and it sent her running saying things like, "what would have happened if we were in the same building instead of across the country", and how "for her own safety we couldn't be together because i could hurt her". I felt god awful that I had made her feel that way. And apologized profusely. And for the rest of the day I didn't really know what to think. I knew this was a sensitive subject so i just did my best to plead a case that didn't fall into the stereotypical attempt of saying i thought her actions were a little extreme.

Apparently she was terrified. I have never so much as raised my voice in front of her, but what i typed, which I've shown to family and they agreed it wasn't nice, but wasn't a relationship ender by any means. Combining that with calling her was enough to make her afraid that i was a ticking time bomb that at any moment could hurt her and in her words, "it only takes one time so i can't take the risk" To me, it sounded like the reasoning of someone who was so scared they couldn't think straight.

My only question I have is if this thinking is permanent or if it's temporary. Is she going to realize that i'm not a monster like her father or has the damage been done? Or is this more of a depends on the person type thing?



^^^ Super strong rec-read… because, yeah. It very much depends on the person, and there are also a lot of trends, and common minefields to avoid (like blaming yourself for their total over-reaction). The article lays it out far better than I ever could.


New Here
I think the most frustrating thing out of all of it is that she just cut me off entirely because "I know if talk with you i'll forgive you for making me feel terrified, i'll focus on all the things i love about you and i'll do something i might end up regretting." At the same time as saying she knows i'm not abusive and that i'm her perfect guy. It's just an infinite bundle of mixed signals. So i'm stuck here with no recourse and no way to try and talk to her about her feelings and what she's thinking. Honestly that's kind of the worst.


Yeah honestly this is kind of a trope here. I’ve been in both sides, how lovely. If it can help you a little bit the message she’s trying to give you is that she’s conscious that a relationship now is highly activating and that situations like this are unavoidable, and her reactions to it still unmanageable. It’s the message of someone who is trying to cut the losses while not being insulting. The plain old "not you, me" thing. As frustrating as it is—since there is nothing one can do to force the consent of someone, at least it’s the truth.

If she says she’s worried about doing something she might regret later, that is likely to be based on experience. I would take it seriously and literally and not interpret.

I would not say it’s mixed signals. In fact, it’s very clear. Is that: you would normally be a good match for me but I’m not in the capacity for it.


Maybe it was a relationship ender. Maybe she is thinking straight. That is the beauty, if you will, about on line only relationships, a quick demise once the mind is made up. Admittedly what you said/did in response to her not wanting to talk was childish and wrong, and for many folks, that would be the end of it, PTSD, which we do not know she has? Or not. Because those kinds of reactions don’t just change overnight, they take time to weed out and modify. Maybe she is just cutting her losses on something that has no “physical” presence at the moment. It doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person. Learn and move on. Maybe you are both dodging the proverbial bullet.


sent her a message saying something stupid about her not caring about what I had to say and how it was a shitty thing to do.
It was a shitty thing to do. If it were a guy friend would you be annoyed with him? What about her hanging up on you when you had no idea she was upset is not shitty? Her feelings are not your responsibility. I think you dodged a bullet.
I'm a little, or a lot, late for this wagon but here goes.

If I was going to bed, told my boyfriend I was going to bed, and he proceeded to call me three times in a row, I'd be quite annoyed. I'm ostensibly tired, or have stuff to do early tomorrow, and I want--no, need--to sleep. So barring that something urgent came up in the time it took me to get ready for bed, nope; I'm hanging up.

Follow it up with an angry text, I'll probably hit block or throw my phone across the room or reply with a curt, expletive-laced shutdown.

If you two do work things out, you need a better code for "let's get out of here and talk" than saying you want to go to bed.