Relationship GF with CPTSD broke up with me and blocked me

J

JCS

Hi y’all.

Little back story. I’m 27m, my partner, now ex is 25f. I will keep out some details for privacy which I understand may make it harder to help me, but that’s life.

We met about 2 years ago. We dated for over a year and a half and my god was it indescribable. I’ve dated quite a few people in my time and I can honestly say the connection was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. We clicked immediately.

It was almost comical how quickly we fell inlove. The intimacy was amazing, we would go out on dates every few days, she would constantly tell me how ‘ out of her league ‘ I am (even though she is the most beautiful human being on the planet). We had the same hobbies and interests, and I can confidently say we have made memories that neither of us will forget so long as we live.

The way she would just stare at me as I gushed about a new favorite movie or video game. That’s a feeling I’m scared I’ll never feel again.

I suffer from my own personal issues, ADD, OCD, both diagnosed. My partner has been diagnosed with CPTSD due to early childhood trauma.

Things were really really great for a long time. Near about 6m in, there was a suicide attempt on her end. It came out of no where for me. I did everything I could to be there for her. I wasn’t perfect, I was angry (not at her, I was just genuinely terrified when I picked her up that night and rushed her to ER) I was raising my voice, I wasnt the best in that moment.

She made it out with no lasting damage, thank god. We spent the next few days talking, and I really grew an understanding of her trauma, and what she deals with on the day to day. Or at least I thought I understood.

Everything seemed to go back to normal. I’ve always struggled with being afraid that people will leave me. I’ve been in relationships where people have ghosted me, I come from a twice divorced home.

I found it exceedingly difficult to let her be free after the attempt. In no way did I intend to be controlling or anything. I just had this intense itch in my mind when she would leave the house.

If she was working and set to be home at 5pm, and she didn’t show until 535, my mind would go immediately into ‘ she’s gone ‘ territory.

This caused issues as our relationship progressed she began to feel smothered.

I also have a temper. I am in no way a violent man, I would put a bullet in myself before I raised a hand to her, or even raised my voice to her, or called her a bad name.

I get frustrated when driving, and I also am quick to get grumpy. Sure, I can blame this on my ADD, OCD, SSRIs, what ever. But the truth is it’s my issue. I own up to it, and it’s something I am actively working through with a therapist of my own, as well as trying to work through the attachment issues I seem to have.

Fast forward to 4 months before our breakup. We moved into a beautiful home together. It was like a fairytale. The place we moved into was actually extremely dirty, and we spent a weeks work cleaning it. Looking back that’s one of the best weeks of my life and I would give anything to be in that member again, even though in the moment it was very frustrating.

My partner began undergoing trauma therapy about 4/5m before the breakup, due to her childhood trauma. It was really hard on her.

I made a lot of mistakes here. I don’t think I took it seriously enough. I just didn’t really understand it you know? I’m a relatively intelligent person, so I understand therapy isn’t easy, but I never gave it the respect it deserved I feel.

I also struggle with some intimacy issues, and a pretty anxious attachment style.

I began to ask these stupid questions all the time. ‘ are we ok? ‘ ‘ are you okay today?’

In hindsight, I believe it was a way to self soothe as she struggled really hard with communication. We always had good conversations and laughs, but we never really communicated.

Eventually, one day it seemed she had enough. She broke up with me stating that she is unable to be with anyone if she can’t communicate. My intimacy issues were not being looked after on my end, and she felt smothered. She also stated she was triggered by me due to me being upset while driving.

My world came crashing down. I got a little angry a few days after and I regret that a lot. Again I’d never raise my voice or anything of course. I was just hurt. ‘ you made all these promises to me!! ‘ kind of thing. Stupid on my part.

We kept in touch a little to sort out bills and commitments. I seen her to drop the house key off a month after and she told me she was taking the breakup extremely hard.

Since then, I texted her about a phone bill I sent money for and got no response. About 5 weeks in I was unfriended on fb. And then a month later (maybe 2 weeks ago) I was blocked on fb.

We’ve been broken up for a little over 2 months now. I’m healing. But every day is a monumental struggle. I don’t mean to seem like I can’t live without her or something, I’m just really hurt and angry at myself.

I don’t feel as though I gave enough respect to her CPTSD, and her trauma. I was selfish near the end and neglected issues like intimacy due to some personal struggles.

I’ve been seeing a therapist and doing a lot of reading about CPTSD, PTSD, break ups and trauma in general.

I feel as though I’m better equipped to deal with this now, and I’m really struggling with not beating myself up for not being equipped for it before.

Why couldn’t I have just googled this shit before this happened?

Im not really sure what I’m doing here. Im really hurt over the blocking, it makes everything feel so final.

I always thought we’d find our way back to each other, but maybe not. I guess my specific question is, why the block? Why not respond to my text?

I know the standard answer is ‘ you guys are exes ‘ but it seems deeper than that. Our connection was out of this world, and I find it hard to believe she’d forget this easily.

Is there ANY scenario where a reachout via text is appropriate, or is this a ‘ forget about it until she maybe reaches out one day ‘ type of situation?

Im really mad at myself. I wish I listened more. I wish I was more compassionate about the trauma. I wish I was more flexible about letting her be free. I never meant to be controlling or smothering. I was just struggling in my own way. I wish I thought before getting frustrated in traffic like a complete moron.

I’m scared she’s gone forever. And if she is, that’s on me. I just hope that isn’t the case.

Again I’ve left out some details to protect privacy, and I hope she never reads this. But if you somehow do one day, then…Hi pretty girl, hope you’re doing ok out there.

Thanks for listening guys.
Stay well.

** As I forgot some context I’ll add here.

The breakup seemed to come out of nowhere. A few days prior we were out celebrating an event at a restaurant, and visiting family for their birthday.

During the breakup there was a quick talk about ‘ if anything I would want a fresh start ‘ and ‘ I’d like to reach out one day as friends ‘

I’m not sure if this is just a line or not.

Thanks again.
 
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StillWurdy

New Here
Hi y’all.

Little back story. I’m 27m, my partner, now ex is 25f. I will keep out some details for privacy which I understand may make it harder to help me, but that’s life.

We met about 2 years ago. We dated for over a year and a half and my god was it indescribable. I’ve dated quite a few people in my time and I can honestly say the connection was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. We clicked immediately.

It was almost comical how quickly we fell inlove. The intimacy was amazing, we would go out on dates every few days, she would constantly tell me how ‘ out of her league ‘ I am (even though she is the most beautiful human being on the planet). We had the same hobbies and interests, and I can confidently say we have made memories that neither of us will forget so long as we live.

The way she would just stare at me as I gushed about a new favorite movie or video game. That’s a feeling I’m scared I’ll never feel again.

I suffer from my own personal issues, ADD, OCD, both diagnosed. My partner has been diagnosed with CPTSD due to early childhood trauma.

Things were really really great for a long time. Near about 6m in, there was a suicide attempt on her end. It came out of no where for me. I did everything I could to be there for her. I wasn’t perfect, I was angry (not at her, I was just genuinely terrified when I picked her up that night and rushed her to ER) I was raising my voice, I wasnt the best in that moment.

She made it out with no lasting damage, thank god. We spent the next few days talking, and I really grew an understanding of her trauma, and what she deals with on the day to day. Or at least I thought I understood.

Everything seemed to go back to normal. I’ve always struggled with being afraid that people will leave me. I’ve been in relationships where people have ghosted me, I come from a twice divorced home.

I found it exceedingly difficult to let her be free after the attempt. In no way did I intend to be controlling or anything. I just had this intense itch in my mind when she would leave the house.

If she was working and set to be home at 5pm, and she didn’t show until 535, my mind would go immediately into ‘ she’s gone ‘ territory.

This caused issues as our relationship progressed she began to feel smothered.

I also have a temper. I am in no way a violent man, I would put a bullet in myself before I raised a hand to her, or even raised my voice to her, or called her a bad name.

I get frustrated when driving, and I also am quick to get grumpy. Sure, I can blame this on my ADD, OCD, SSRIs, what ever. But the truth is it’s my issue. I own up to it, and it’s something I am actively working through with a therapist of my own, as well as trying to work through the attachment issues I seem to have.

Fast forward to 4 months before our breakup. We moved into a beautiful home together. It was like a fairytale. The place we moved into was actually extremely dirty, and we spent a weeks work cleaning it. Looking back that’s one of the best weeks of my life and I would give anything to be in that member again, even though in the moment it was very frustrating.

My partner began undergoing trauma therapy about 4/5m before the breakup, due to her childhood trauma. It was really hard on her.

I made a lot of mistakes here. I don’t think I took it seriously enough. I just didn’t really understand it you know? I’m a relatively intelligent person, so I understand therapy isn’t easy, but I never gave it the respect it deserved I feel.

I also struggle with some intimacy issues, and a pretty anxious attachment style.

I began to ask these stupid questions all the time. ‘ are we ok? ‘ ‘ are you okay today?’

In hindsight, I believe it was a way to self soothe as she struggled really hard with communication. We always had good conversations and laughs, but we never really communicated.

Eventually, one day it seemed she had enough. She broke up with me stating that she is unable to be with anyone if she can’t communicate. My intimacy issues were not being looked after on my end, and she felt smothered. She also stated she was triggered by me due to me being upset while driving.

My world came crashing down. I got a little angry a few days after and I regret that a lot. Again I’d never raise my voice or anything of course. I was just hurt. ‘ you made all these promises to me!! ‘ kind of thing. Stupid on my part.

We kept in touch a little to sort out bills and commitments. I seen her to drop the house key off a month after and she told me she was taking the breakup extremely hard.

Since then, I texted her about a phone bill I sent money for and got no response. About 5 weeks in I was unfriended on fb. And then a month later (maybe 2 weeks ago) I was blocked on fb.

We’ve been broken up for a little over 2 months now. I’m healing. But every day is a monumental struggle. I don’t mean to seem like I can’t live without her or something, I’m just really hurt and angry at myself.

I don’t feel as though I gave enough respect to her CPTSD, and her trauma. I was selfish near the end and neglected issues like intimacy due to some personal struggles.

I’ve been seeing a therapist and doing a lot of reading about CPTSD, PTSD, break ups and trauma in general.

I feel as though I’m better equipped to deal with this now, and I’m really struggling with not beating myself up for not being equipped for it before.

Why couldn’t I have just googled this shit before this happened?

Im not really sure what I’m doing here. Im really hurt over the blocking, it makes everything feel so final.

I always thought we’d find our way back to each other, but maybe not. I guess my specific question is, why the block? Why not respond to my text?

I know the standard answer is ‘ you guys are exes ‘ but it seems deeper than that. Our connection was out of this world, and I find it hard to believe she’d forget this easily.

Is there ANY scenario where a reachout via text is appropriate, or is this a ‘ forget about it until she maybe reaches out one day ‘ type of situation?

Im really mad at myself. I wish I listened more. I wish I was more compassionate about the trauma. I wish I was more flexible about letting her be free. I never meant to be controlling or smothering. I was just struggling in my own way. I wish I thought before getting frustrated in traffic like a complete moron.

I’m scared she’s gone forever. And if she is, that’s on me. I just hope that isn’t the case.

Again I’ve left out some details to protect privacy, and I hope she never reads this. But if you somehow do one day, then…Hi pretty girl, hope you’re doing ok out there.

Thanks for listening guys.
Stay well.
This is so similar to my own experience that is almost “boring” haha, sorry. Difference was there was a distinct trigger when we moved in together and the fallout of that was never addressed properly.

I as well beat myself up and analyzed everything. The reality was that I was way over my head. From the therapy I’ve done since I’ve learned what triggers are, what CPTSD actually is and what treatment looks like. All of this came down to one conclusion. I could not live like that, not when the person I used to love so much has years/a lifetime of therapy ahead of her before she could be in a healthy relationship.

I’m in a much better place now. I worked on my self esteem, my boundaries and my values. I suggest you do the same.
 
J

JCS

This is so similar to my own experience that is almost “boring” haha, sorry. Difference was there was a distinct trigger when we moved in together and the fallout of that was never addressed properly.

I as well beat myself up and analyzed everything. The reality was that I was way over my head. From the therapy I’ve done since I’ve learned what triggers are, what CPTSD actually is and what treatment looks like. All of this came down to one conclusion. I could not live like that, not when the person I used to love so much has years/a lifetime of therapy ahead of her before she could be in a healthy relationship.

I’m in a much better place now. I worked on my self esteem, my boundaries and my values. I suggest you do the same.

Thanks so much for your reply. Yeah, I guess I need to understand that there’s a lot of therapy ahead for her. It still sucks every minute of the day. LOL
 

Friday

Moderator
Im not really sure what I’m doing here.
PTSD relationships, and the ending of them, aren’t just hard… they are as wacky as dealing with ADHD and school, or cleaning. (Speaking as someone with both PTSD & ADHD 😉).

It makes sense to head somewhere with people super familiar with the challenges involved to reality check with.

Case in point?
The breakup seemed to come out of nowhere. A few days prior we were out celebrating an event at a restaurant, and visiting family for their birthday.
Our connection was out of this world, and I find it hard to believe she’d forget this easily.
It’s super normal for PTSD relationships to be INTENSE and then to stop on a dime with little to no warning.

Or with warning given so casually / matter of factly, that they’re not heeded.

Is there ANY scenario where a reachout via text is appropriate, or is this a ‘ forget about it until she maybe reaches out one day ‘ type of situation?
Im really mad at myself. I wish I listened more. I wish I was more compassionate about the trauma. I wish I was more flexible about letting her be free. I never meant to be controlling or smothering
You’ve answered your own question, here.

Doing the exact same thing as one of the two reasons she broke things off …doesn’t sound like it would have good results, does it?

Im really hurt over the blocking, it makes everything feel so final.
I’m not someone who breaks up & gets back together. When I break up with someone? It IS final.

I know there are people who break up and get back together, on again off again, and that may be you but not her, or both of you, or her but not you. That won’t be a PTSD thing, though, but a personal preference thing.
 
J

JCS

PTSD relationships, and the ending of them, aren’t just hard… they are as wacky as dealing with ADHD and school, or cleaning. (Speaking as someone with both PTSD & ADHD 😉).

It makes sense to head somewhere with people super familiar with the challenges involved to reality check with.

Case in point?


It’s super normal for PTSD relationships to be INTENSE and then to stop on a dime with little to no warning.

Or with warning given so casually / matter of factly, that they’re not heeded.



You’ve answered your own question, here.

Doing the exact same thing as one of the two reasons she broke things off …doesn’t sound like it would have good results, does it?


I’m not someone who breaks up & gets back together. When I break up with someone? It IS final.

I know there are people who break up and get back together, on again off again, and that may be you but not her, or both of you, or her but not you. That won’t be a PTSD thing, though, but a personal preference thing.
Thank you for your reply and honestly.

It hurts, but that’s life. I’ll take this all as a lesson, and if we talk in the future maybe I’ll be better prepared.
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
The breakup seemed to come out of nowhere.
uhm... nope. I could see it coming a mile away. I don't say that to make you feel bad - I say it because I would have reacted exactly like she did.

That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It means you were in a relationship with someone with ptsd, and sometimes our supporters try to keep us by holding on harder - which just makes me want to run even further.

Near about 6m in, there was a suicide attempt on her end. I
Yep - this is pretty common. We get sucked in and all is happy and it covers up all the bad in our lives. Until it doesn't and the bad comes crashing thru.
Or at least I thought I understood.
I see a lot of supporters beat themselves up over this and the answer is pretty simple...
You CANT understand. Unless you go thru it, there is no frame of reference.
It's not a good or bad thing. It just is.
And honesty? I wouldn't want my supporters to really understand - because then they would be on my side of this cluster and I don't want them to ever have to be there.
I’ve always struggled with being afraid that people will leave me
ya -- I'm guessing she picked up on this no matter how hard you tried to not show it
I found it exceedingly difficult to let her be free after the attempt.
Of course you did - she tried to kill herself. I would be surprised if you didnt
But sadly that is one thing that can make us bolt right out of the relationship - the feeling of not being able to get free
My partner began undergoing trauma therapy about 4/5m before the breakup, due to her childhood trauma. It was really hard on her.
Yep - and that means it was going to be hard on the relationship. When therapy first starts it can be a total and complete nightmare. You are being forced to face things you had to ignore to survive. It can suck you in until it's the only thing you are even aware of.
but I never gave it the respect it deserved I feel.

I don’t feel as though I gave enough respect to her CPTSD, and her trauma. I
This is a tough one because again, you had no frame of reference. Do you mean you didn't understand how cptsd works, or that you didn't realize your role in her recovery, or that you didn't know how hard it was for her?

Well..uhm...duh. Of course you didn't! How would you have? If it doesn't make sense to us, how can it make sense to you?
I guess my specific question is, why the block? Why not respond to my text?
Upset me enough, or make me feel emotions I don't want to feel and I have no problem cutting people out of my life. They are just dead to me. It's one of the abilities many of us have - to just walk away and never look back. It's ingrained because at one point in time it saved our lives and/or sanity. So a big part of therapy is learning how NOT to do that. But that comes much, much later in the recovery process.
I’m scared she’s gone forever. And if she is, that’s on me.
Not necessarily on you.
Relationships end, with or without ptsd, and sometimes even "normal" ones end without an actual reason.
They just do.
Ptsd ones just often end in a harsh, ghosting kind of way rather than a "lets go our separate ways" way.
 
J

JCS

Thanks for your reply Freida, I appreciate the perspective a lot. I think I've done all I can now, and I will just try to heal and continue with my therapy. If she ever reaches out to me that'd be great, and as time goes on, and her therapy continues, I guess that isn't impossible. It's probably unwise for me to hope for that, so I'll just continue to live as best I can.
 

freya83

Learning
Break up is always hard, especially when we still love and care to the other person.

If she still has feelings for you, it must be very hard on her end as well. Just because she doesnt reach you, it doesnt mean she is no longer think of you. Maybe at this moment, being together will only bring the worse out of her and out of you as you both triggering each other.

Just like you, I have fear of abandonment issue due to my childhood and I know you were checking on her kept asking was she ok, were u two ok, was coming from the good place with no bad intention.. However on her end it made her uncomfortable and suffocated.

Hope you feel better soon, coz yeah break up sucks.
 
J

JCS

Break up is always hard, especially when we still love and care to the other person.

If she still has feelings for you, it must be very hard on her end as well. Just because she doesnt reach you, it doesnt mean she is no longer think of you. Maybe at this moment, being together will only bring the worse out of her and out of you as you both triggering each other.

Just like you, I have fear of abandonment issue due to my childhood and I know you were checking on her kept asking was she ok, were u two ok, was coming from the good place with no bad intention.. However on her end it made her uncomfortable and suffocated.

Hope you feel better soon, coz yeah break up sucks.

Thank you so much for the kind words, that brings a smile to my face. I definitely do think she still has feelings for me. I'm really struggling with her removing me from my entire life. She even deleted me off a certain gaming network that we used together.


Ah well, maybe one day once we're both healed.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
I'm kind of on the fence with this one. I've seen a rare few succeed, usually there's a lot of humility and effort involved, but more fail. Even regular relationships often hit a crux. The thing is with love it doesn't just come with loving the good times but the grief, faults and failures also. Both people have to be motivated enough and mature enough to know if it's worth their effort to try. The person you fell in love with already came with ptsd. But knowing more so now what that means is the other side of the coin. What stands out to me is that most people would have run for the hills with the suicide attempt. And moving in together is a huge stressor. There is no shame in realizing it couldn't be as you hoped or expected, and no shame letting it go or making an effort. I think the person with ptsd has to own their own stuff too. Her communication didn't sound that great either, and unrealistic on her part to not acknowledge her behaviours would affect conseuences or influence reactions. That is not your fault, any more than having ptsd is not her fault either. But the responsibilty of choice, effort, and personal accountability remain.. It takes a lot of wisdom and maturity and vulnerability to navigate any relationship with ptsd in the middle even in the best of times I think. And if the person with ptsd can't, they can't.

Best wishes to you.
 
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