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Relationship Girlfriend Broke Up Because I tried to Help Her

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Keeptrying

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Hi everyone this is my first post. I am 41M, dating (or trying to date) a 38F. We met this summer on a dive boat where I was spending my days. She lives 2 hours away. She got divorced 8 months ago and has a 3 year old daughter. She was with the same person for 17 years and there was both mental and physical abuse involved. She has been in therapy for 3 years.

Our first night we ended up hooking up, it was just supposed to be coffee. We then hooked up again a week later several times. The third time she came to my town we had a small talk about how she wasn’t into the one night stand hook up thing and we slowly meandered into a relationship. Our first month was incredible. Great love making. Beach time. Visiting historical sites. Dinners long chat and walks. But after month one she started getting triggered by various things. Places. Restaurants. Subjects. She would shut down and this would confuse me. She also has claustrophobia. As a man my problem solving instincts kicked in and i tried to talk to her, comfort her and help her. But it started backfiring. She felt weak, inadequate and ashamed. She would lash out at me about boundaries but since she was angry I couldnt make sense of the information and i paniced a lot. This endless loop began to eat into month two. She told me that all the emotions and feelings she hid and denied from her marriage were surfacing and she was having trouble processing them. Having various flashbacks of a needy husband etc. But she was also enjoying my love care and affection. Which sucked me deep into the middle of the storm. I was committed to her and wanted to help.

She doesn’t like communicating because she says it makes her feel weak and exposed. I got so lost. Then our arguments became more and more trivial and she became more distant and cold. She hardly gave me any more information than “i dont want to talk”. Last week she called me and told me she loved me but was breaking up with me and that the fun was gone and she kept having anxiety and pressure on herself when she thought of me. I was heartbroken. I gave her a couple of days and sent her a long calm loving message. She read it and called me. Told me that she is trying to process her new feelings and running a relationship was hard with that going on. I kindly asked her why she kept me around this long because I felt used even though it wasnt her intent. I offered to learn some lessons from this and try again from where we were having fun, but with improved communication and slower pace. She was reluctant at first, as I had clearly dove deep into her boundaries by trying to help. The latest is that she asked for 3-4 days to think about restarting again with me. I am here on forum for insight;

  1. What is going on in her mind?
  2. Is there a chance she will filter out her thoughts and try again with a slower approach
  3. How can I regain my self esteem and resolve my guilt issues?
 
hello keep trying. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i'm not going to try to guess what is going on in your gf's mind, but. . .

i have long since lost count of how many times i have broken up with my husband for trying to help me with my mental illness. in 42 years with a do-it-yourself kind of guy, it is safe to bet it has been ALLOT. i am grateful to report that there have been zero breakups in recent years since he has taken to sticking his screwdrivers in his own ears instead of mine. i ain't your latest DIY project, babycakes. tighten your own proverbial loose screws and just rock me gently while i cry. give me votes of confidence that i can work it through on my own and let me trust my therapy network for the blood and guts of it. spouses are notoriously lousy therapists, even when they are fully qualified to treat john q. public. maybe especially then. it takes a village to heal. having both a therapy AND a life partner is a potent cocktail. may the two find dignity and strength in maintaining proper social distances.

the best way i know to regain self-esteem after a crash and burn is to just keep trying. success is the art of getting up once more than you have fallen. just once more.
 
I wouldn't pressure her in any way if I were you. Give her space and get on with your life. The ball isn't in your court, it's in hers so don't make this about you and what you want and need. She's trying to process the last 2 decades of her life.
 
3. How can I regain my self esteem and resolve my guilt issues?
Damn good question. Probably the single most important one you may ever ask/answer about this relationship. Whether you pick back up again, or not.

You also may want to start a new thread for this, because it reeeeally rates a deep dive.

They’re also super pertinent issues Supporters have to deal with in a wide variety of ways (from not taking things personally, to having such strong boundaries one also doesn’t take shit; from not co-signing crazy / accepting someone treating you like you’re someone else, to being very secure & self assured in your own identity, and many many many other things).

People with PTSD often treat their partners badly, and that’s wrong. And needs to stop. (And totally can! But only if the other person & we, ourselves, insist on it. PTSD does not excuse assholery and abuse.) Not everyone is at a place in learning to deal with their PTSD to even be able to recognize how badly they’re treating their partners (up to and including straight up abuse), much less take responsibility for their behaviors, and make changes. Just because someone may not mean to abuse others, or treat them badly, doesn’t wave a magic wand and erase that it’s happened, or is happening. Ditto, loving someone wirh PTSD does not excuse these behaviors, nor keep them from having serious & lasting consequences. Just because one can understand why someone might act this way? Does not excuse it.

I don’t want to get too much into this, right now, in case you decide to start another thread… but the questions I would ask myself in the same position would be:

- How much of this is me / my stuff / existed before I was in this relationship?
- What are the most corrosive aspects in this relationship, creating these problems?
 
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Welcome to the forum. I don't have time to respond right now but I do want to address @Survivor3 comment. This IS about him. His wants and needs. He is after all in the supporters section.

I do agree with giving space though, not so much for her but for your own well-being. I would take the time to research mental illness and ptsd relationships. There's no cure for the disorder.

She has a lot of work ahead of HER. 17 years in an abusive marriage. Wow. Proud of her for leaving it. IMHO She's going to need years of therapy before she's able to be in a healthy relationship. She could try to hide her issues, like she did in the beginning of your relationship but that obviously only works for so long.

Does she have a therapist? If she doesn't?? I'd move on. That is my deal breaker/boundary. Must be active in therapy.

(Huh.?. I guess I did have time to reply. 😊 )

✌️
 
hello keep trying. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i'm not going to try to guess what is going on in your gf's mind, but. . .

i have long since lost count of how many times i have broken up with my husband for trying to help me with my mental illness. in 42 years with a do-it-yourself kind of guy, it is safe to bet it has been ALLOT. i am grateful to report that there have been zero breakups in recent years since he has taken to sticking his screwdrivers in his own ears instead of mine. i ain't your latest DIY project, babycakes. tighten your own proverbial loose screws and just rock me gently while i cry. give me votes of confidence that i can work it through on my own and let me trust my therapy network for the blood and guts of it. spouses are notoriously lousy therapists, even when they are fully qualified to treat john q. public. maybe especially then. it takes a village to heal. having both a therapy AND a life partner is a potent cocktail. may the two find dignity and strength in maintaining proper social distances.

the best way i know to regain self-esteem after a crash and burn is to just keep trying. success is the art of getting up once more than you have fallen. just once more.
Sounds like you really have a lot of lofe experience. This person is also the first time i have been in love. I really miscalculated the balance of things

@LuckiLee yes that's a fair enough comment. Sorry @Keeptrying ,that came across rather too abrasive and inconsiderate, welcome to the site and best wishes to you. 😊
Not at all i appreciate all inputs

Welcome to the forum. I don't have time to respond right now but I do want to address @Survivor3 comment. This IS about him. His wants and needs. He is after all in the supporters section.

I do agree with giving space though, not so much for her but for your own well-being. I would take the time to research mental illness and ptsd relationships. There's no cure for the disorder.

She has a lot of work ahead of HER. 17 years in an abusive marriage. Wow. Proud of her for leaving it. IMHO She's going to need years of therapy before she's able to be in a healthy relationship. She could try to hide her issues, like she did in the beginning of your relationship but that obviously only works for so long.

Does she have a therapist? If she doesn't?? I'd move on. That is my deal breaker/boundary. Must be active in therapy.

(Huh.?. I guess I did have time to reply. 😊 )

✌️
She has a therapist for 3 years. She was so cold and unloving to me. But warm to strangers and kind to other women. I felt so lost. I just text her saying she is right. If she doesnt want a relationship then i wont urge. Maybe one day she will realize i was amazing to her like she said i was in the beginning…
 
I really miscalculated the balance of things

those miscalculations are part of it. the biggest diff between an apprentice and a master is not the accuracy of the guesses. it is the calm, loving and playful handling of the missed guesses. keep cleaning supplies handy.

"good loving takes time to learn." ~pete seeger
practice, practice, practice. . .
my hubby and i think we might need another 42 years of practice.
 
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