Keeptrying
New Here
Hi everyone this is my first post. I am 41M, dating (or trying to date) a 38F. We met this summer on a dive boat where I was spending my days. She lives 2 hours away. She got divorced 8 months ago and has a 3 year old daughter. She was with the same person for 17 years and there was both mental and physical abuse involved. She has been in therapy for 3 years.
Our first night we ended up hooking up, it was just supposed to be coffee. We then hooked up again a week later several times. The third time she came to my town we had a small talk about how she wasn’t into the one night stand hook up thing and we slowly meandered into a relationship. Our first month was incredible. Great love making. Beach time. Visiting historical sites. Dinners long chat and walks. But after month one she started getting triggered by various things. Places. Restaurants. Subjects. She would shut down and this would confuse me. She also has claustrophobia. As a man my problem solving instincts kicked in and i tried to talk to her, comfort her and help her. But it started backfiring. She felt weak, inadequate and ashamed. She would lash out at me about boundaries but since she was angry I couldnt make sense of the information and i paniced a lot. This endless loop began to eat into month two. She told me that all the emotions and feelings she hid and denied from her marriage were surfacing and she was having trouble processing them. Having various flashbacks of a needy husband etc. But she was also enjoying my love care and affection. Which sucked me deep into the middle of the storm. I was committed to her and wanted to help.
She doesn’t like communicating because she says it makes her feel weak and exposed. I got so lost. Then our arguments became more and more trivial and she became more distant and cold. She hardly gave me any more information than “i dont want to talk”. Last week she called me and told me she loved me but was breaking up with me and that the fun was gone and she kept having anxiety and pressure on herself when she thought of me. I was heartbroken. I gave her a couple of days and sent her a long calm loving message. She read it and called me. Told me that she is trying to process her new feelings and running a relationship was hard with that going on. I kindly asked her why she kept me around this long because I felt used even though it wasnt her intent. I offered to learn some lessons from this and try again from where we were having fun, but with improved communication and slower pace. She was reluctant at first, as I had clearly dove deep into her boundaries by trying to help. The latest is that she asked for 3-4 days to think about restarting again with me. I am here on forum for insight;
Our first night we ended up hooking up, it was just supposed to be coffee. We then hooked up again a week later several times. The third time she came to my town we had a small talk about how she wasn’t into the one night stand hook up thing and we slowly meandered into a relationship. Our first month was incredible. Great love making. Beach time. Visiting historical sites. Dinners long chat and walks. But after month one she started getting triggered by various things. Places. Restaurants. Subjects. She would shut down and this would confuse me. She also has claustrophobia. As a man my problem solving instincts kicked in and i tried to talk to her, comfort her and help her. But it started backfiring. She felt weak, inadequate and ashamed. She would lash out at me about boundaries but since she was angry I couldnt make sense of the information and i paniced a lot. This endless loop began to eat into month two. She told me that all the emotions and feelings she hid and denied from her marriage were surfacing and she was having trouble processing them. Having various flashbacks of a needy husband etc. But she was also enjoying my love care and affection. Which sucked me deep into the middle of the storm. I was committed to her and wanted to help.
She doesn’t like communicating because she says it makes her feel weak and exposed. I got so lost. Then our arguments became more and more trivial and she became more distant and cold. She hardly gave me any more information than “i dont want to talk”. Last week she called me and told me she loved me but was breaking up with me and that the fun was gone and she kept having anxiety and pressure on herself when she thought of me. I was heartbroken. I gave her a couple of days and sent her a long calm loving message. She read it and called me. Told me that she is trying to process her new feelings and running a relationship was hard with that going on. I kindly asked her why she kept me around this long because I felt used even though it wasnt her intent. I offered to learn some lessons from this and try again from where we were having fun, but with improved communication and slower pace. She was reluctant at first, as I had clearly dove deep into her boundaries by trying to help. The latest is that she asked for 3-4 days to think about restarting again with me. I am here on forum for insight;
- What is going on in her mind?
- Is there a chance she will filter out her thoughts and try again with a slower approach
- How can I regain my self esteem and resolve my guilt issues?