Relationship Girlfriend ptsd broke up with me after 6 years. Need some advice

A

Anne supporter

Hello everyone,

About a year ago my girlfriend told me that she experienced something traumatic in her youth. We were already in a relationship for five years and just moved in together because she really wanted to live with me. She never felt that the traumatic event had a "negative" impact on her untill then. She started to get flashbacks and nightmares. She became irritated about small stuff and i would find her crying on the ground sometimes. A month before she broke up with me she told me that she felt that she was putting her walls up again. She didn't want to seek help because it would be to confronting. She never told me what the traumatic event was because she couldn't talk about it. Then all of the sudden she told me she doesn't love me anymore only as a friend. I moved out and let her stay in my apartment untill she found her own place. 2 months went by where she would occasionally visit to collect some of her stuff, but she would burst out in tears everytime she saw me. later we saw eachother again and then she told me that she does in fact love me but can't be in a relationship while she hasn't dealt with the trauma she was facing. I respected that and told her i would support her and it was fine if she needed some space. She kept telling me that if she had any choice she would come back to me but she wasn't ready to deal with her trauma even though she really wanted the relationship back. So i just waited on her, her symptoms became a little less severe until a few weeks ago. She started to get flashbacks more often again, the nightmares came back, she even started to get back and stomach pain. Then she came to my place collected the last things she still had laying around at my place and told me again that she doesn't love me anymore. She cried for an hour and left. I can't make any sense of it. We never had any issues in our relationship before, she was so excited to move in with me. Then she breaks up with me because she doesn't love me, changes her mind and tells me she does love me only to take it all back a few weeks later. Does anyone here have experience with these situations?
 

StillWurdy

New Here
Hello everyone,

It’s hard to tell because you don’t know the nature of what the trauma is or her triggers. She doesn’t know by the sounds of it. The same situation happened with me. Great relationship, then when we moved in together it triggered her due to two very bad experiences in the past with abusive partners. We received an explanation from her therapist confirming the trigger and saying that it would take a lot of work and may just end up with our relationship failing. I kept blaming myself and trying to fix everything like I’ve done in the past but she got distant and would blame me for everything, not communicating enough even though she needed space, being mean and contemptuous, complaining that we didn’t do enough together even though she scheduled things with her friends on our days off together. Over time it got worse and worse and it seemed like it was only towards me. In the end I told her I needed things to be better and I wasn’t happy. A few days later she went through my phone looking for an excuse to demonize me. At this point she seemed to completely forget the trigger and what the therapist said. Shortly after that was the last time we talked. Since then I’ve been in the same place as her a few times and each time she’s terrified of me, the same way she would get when she saw her abusive ex…

None of it makes sense. It’s a cruel affliction if that’s what your ex in fact has. Through seeing a psychologist and reading these forums I’ve come to understand that it’s not my fault and I was way over my head. I can only speak for my situation. But she’s going to need years of therapy to be able to maintain a healthy relationship, if ever. And that will only come about if she takes it seriously and does the work. For me, all I can do is work on myself. And what that means is that I know what I will and won’t accept, my boundaries and values. That’s all we can do at the end of the day.
 

Friday

Moderator
I can't make any sense of it.
That’s what makes PTSD a disorder, instead of …obviously, anyone, would do this.

Disorders take absolutely normal human conditions & traits and EXTREME the ever loving hell outta them.

We all (nearly all, in any event) remember things. 5 or 6 people in the country relive every memory. True eidetics (photographic memory). Apx 1:5 people who’ve lived through certain traumas relive those specific traumas. Not remember. Relive. As if it happened today. Right now.

It’s a wacky function of neurology. And it causes a helluva lot of problems. That even if you come to understand it? You won’t make sense of it. Because it’s not sensical. It’s not ordered. It’s disordered. That, yes, can be managed… in time. How much time? 10mo, 10 years? No one can predict. Some people go lifetimes hanging on by the skin of their teeth. Others struggle for years. Some just turn on a dime. There is no reliable clock. The crazy train has pulled into the station, and there is no schedule attached to it. Most people? Will self resolve in a matter of months. Some people? Will struggle for a lifetime. What makes the difference? There’s a Nobel prize in the answer. So don’t beat yourself up for not having it.
 
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