Relationship Girlfriend pushed me away...

Hello all,

Im grateful that there is a forum like this and thank you in advance for sharing any advice.

My girlfriend was attacked a few years ago by who we believe was her ex. She survived. At the time we were not together yet have been back together a few years until a few months ago where she pushed me away. She asked that I move away for a while until she finishes volatile child support and custody with her ex. She is now more and more distant. We have not spoken in 2 weeks. She believes she’s in danger and maybe myself and our kids. We both have kids. Her ex does not like me on top of trying to make her miserable. Mine kids have moved away. I testified against her ex recently and she got a permanent restraining order. I am not afraid of him. It’s time to fight back. But she does not feel safe with us being a couple. I saw her a couple weeks ago and I could feel love but she is terrified to be with me so I did no more than hug her. Again I can feel her love for me. Just a week before, she told me to date if I want to etc which I did not like to hear and pushed me away said we’d never work as long as he was alive . Maybe she is going back to an old boyfriend that she doesn’t love but may be considered more safe? Could she do that when I am the love of her life?

i purposely do not ask anything of her or even text her. I had one argument about not even getting a Christmas card and I have given she and her kids gifts out of love. I don’t expect much but just a card. I know she is afraid of her ex and for valid reason. I even moved away to give her space for safety but I had no idea I wouldn’t be in her life. She had told me that I’m the love of her life and I know I am or was... can it change in a few months? but the lack of communication and the pushing me away does not make me feel loved or wanted. I honestly never ask anything of her or have ever asked anything of her. I don’t want to date anyone else. If I had assurances from her about our future I’d seriously just focus on me. I am doing that anyway but should I expect assurances? I feel I can only give her space but for how long? It’s been 4 months? I do not think she will feel safe until maybe her ex either leaves her alone and moves away for good or is implicated and jailed in her attempted murder. Her court cases could take a few to 6 months? A year? I don’t know? She’s pushed me away in the past and I really love her. Her ex is trying to keep us apart and I am not wanting to allow him to do that as I believe love does conquer all. When he appeared out of the picture, we were so good. So happy. But now he is attacking her legally and through her kids and it’s making her feel numb and her health is not as good.

how long should I hang on? Any specific advice on whether I try to communicate with her? If I move on with my life and stop all communication I would like to think that she fears I might be gone for good.

what should I do?
 
Well this is not good for you, her or the children that both of you are responsible for.

What you should do is listen to her and leave her be. Regardless of what her ex is doing or not doing and whether or not she wants to reunite with him or go date somebody else. If she says move away and leave me alone then do just that.

You really ought to concentrate on your own life, your own children and your own stuff.

It seems you've been kind, reassuring and co operative with this gf. Not everyone would help with court appearances etc. So you've done the right thing. I guess the lack of reciprocal love, gifts and communications from her should be telling you what you're asking.

Don't go blaming her ex or anyone else. Don't blame her either. Maybe she's just ready to move on without you and that's entirely okay. She's allowed to do that. It sounds like she's had a fairly tough time and maybe she simply wants to take a break from relationships for a while. It doesn't really matter because when she says not to contact her, then respect her wishes and leave her alone.

At the same time, the push pull scenario isn't healthy either. For you this relationship seems all over the place and leaving you uncertain, anxious and unloved. Maybe you could do some work on improving your own life without the gf and get back to some kind of happiness. You deserve to be happy, loved and have somebody in your life who will give that to you too.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Feelinghelpless, that all just sounds so unhealthy and depressing. I really think you should cut your losses and move on with your own life. Stop investing in it psychologically and emotionally.Nothing good is coming from it. So move on and be happy that you've got better things to do with your time for you and your kids.
 
Well this is not good for you, her or the children that both of you are responsible for.

What you should do is listen to her and leave her be. Regardless of what her ex is doing or not doing and whether or not she wants to reunite with him or go date somebody else. If she says move away and leave me alone then do just that.

You really ought to concentrate on your own life, your own children and your own stuff.

It seems you've been kind, reassuring and co operative with this gf. Not everyone would help with court appearances etc. So you've done the right thing. I guess the lack of reciprocal love, gifts and communications from her should be telling you what you're asking.

Don't go blaming her ex or anyone else. Don't blame her either. Maybe she's just ready to move on without you and that's entirely okay. She's allowed to do that. It sounds like she's had a fairly tough time and maybe she simply wants to take a break from relationships for a while. It doesn't really matter because when she says not to contact her, then respect her wishes and leave her alone.

At the same time, the push pull scenario isn't healthy either. For you this relationship seems all over the place and leaving you uncertain, anxious and unloved. Maybe you could do some work on improving your own life without the gf and get back to some kind of happiness. You deserve to be happy, loved and have somebody in your life who will give that to you too.

Thank you very much for your reply. I know that minus the situation with the crazy ex who she is trying to create distance from, she truly loves me. Our time together was so good. She talked about me being the love of her life and she wanted to have me move in with her and the kids as recently as 5 months ago. Then her ex saw her and subtly threatened her for being with me. It is a real trigger because we know she was almost murdered and we think paid by him for it to happen.

I don’t know if I should send her a Valentine’s text.. or really cut her off

Hi @Feelinghelpless, that all just sounds so unhealthy and depressing. I really think you should cut your losses and move on with your own life. Stop investing in it psychologically and emotionally.Nothing good is coming from it. So move on and be happy that you've got better things to do with your time for you and your kids.
Literally 5 months ago she said I was the love of her life and to move in with she and her kids. Then her ex let her know he was going to continue to attack her through the legal system and subtly implied physically again. She then pushed me away. The love of my life. I don’t want to give up but I don’t know what to do
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Actions speak louder than words.

Literally 5 months ago she said I was the love of her life and to move in with she and her kids.

I know it’s easy to cling to happy/loving words... but don’t let them cloud your judgement.

she told me to date if I want to

the lack of communication and the pushing me away does not make me feel loved or wanted.

It’s been 4 months

We have not spoken in 2 weeks.

Is this how you treat the love of your life?

Does it matter *why* she is doing these things? She’s doing them regardless. You cannot know if she will ever “get better”, feel safe, or go back to the way she used to be. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
 
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