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Relationship Girlfriend with PTSD just broke up with me...looking for guidance and advice

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s.jeter99

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I'll start this all by saying that I'm hurting pretty good right now. Both for myself and the likely end to a wonderful relationship, but mainly for her and whatever she's going through on her own. With that being said, I'm really glad that I found this website tonight and I'm hoping that by talking about everything with a group of people that understand both her and I, I'll be able to better process what just happened. So thank you in advance for reading what I'm about to write and for any and all advice you might have for me moving forward.

I guess I'll start with the backstory. We met roughly 15 years ago. I was tending bar and bouncing at a popular college bar. Mutual friend introduced us. We went out on three or four dates, but like most relationships at that age, it didn't go anywhere. I remember at the time I was pretty bummed. She was and still is the most attractive woman I've ever known. Beautiful, funny, very sweet, and smarter then anyone I've ever come into contact with then or now. Years later, when we started talking again, it turns out we both had crushes on each other, but like I said, early 20's relationship, lol. We would see each other from time to time out and about, say hello, but that was about it. We lost contact with each other after she graduated. I friended her on FB a few years later, but other then leaving each other the yearly Happy Birthday post, we had no contact.

This past July she sent me a message on FB messenger. I was at work so really couldn't talk, but I got her phone number. Texted her on my next day off. Didn't really think much of it at the time. Figured we would text a few times, catch up, and that would be that.

Texted for a week or two and then she asked me to give her a call. Calls quickly turned into video chats. And then daily texts back and forth. Followed by even more marathon phone calls.

Over the course of a few weeks, we quickly got caught up with what we both had been up to since we last saw each other many years ago. It was really nice.

By mid August we were talking or texting daily. And then it happened. For whatever reason, out of nowhere, she completely let her guard down. She started filling in a lot of the blank spaces.

Short version. She had a really rough stretch of time between early 2017 to roughly the time she reached out to me.

It began with an ectopic pregnancy. While getting treatment for the ectopic pregnancy, her partner of 12 years became distant, to the point where she was going for treatment alone. And then complications arose because of the treatment she was receiving. She sought treatment for severe stomach pain at the hospital she worked at (she is an ICU nurse) and they misdiagnosed her. They sent her home from the ER while she was bleeding internally. Her father, thank god, stopped by her house that night, found her passed out, and rushed her back to the ER. This time they realized she was bleeding into her abdomen and rushed her into surgery. But her ordeal wasn't over. When they intubated her, the tubing they used was too large which ended up paralyzing her vocal chords (she has 75% function now). And while all this was happening, her partner was nowhere to be found.

She spent three weeks in the hospital, including time in the ICU. While recovering from all this, the relationship fell apart, and just because she hadn't been through enough, she developed Cushing's Disease as the result of her doctor over prescribing steroids.

I can't even begin to imagine going through all that. But sadly, it wasn't the last of it. Her best friend, a fellow nurse, moved in with her to take care of her. Her friend was self medicating with pain medication she was stealing from work, overdosed, and died in my gf's house. My girlfriend found her and performed CPR for 20 minutes while waiting for the ambulance. It absolutely crushed her.

I can't even begin to express the heartache I had as she told me all this. Even now, as I am writing it, I can feel myself tearing up. I've never known someone so brave and so strong. And to let me in, to open up and tell me everything, to tell me what had happened, how she was suicidal and spent some time in a mental health hospital, and how she was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, well, it touched my heart in a way that I cannot fully express. It meant so much to me that she trusted me enough to let me in, to trust me and know that I wouldn't judge her.

Towards the end of August, while chatting one evening, she asked me to be exclusive, which we have been ever since. It's a long distance relationship, which isn't ideal. We are also both extremely busy. She started a new job this past September at a new hospital and is also getting her masters while I also work full time and started trade school. I'm also a city boy with no car so we have only physically seen each other three times in seven months, the last time being last weekend. Not ideal, but up until today we have been making it work. Honestly, I would bet that we are more intimate than most couples that see each other daily or fairly regularly.

And I've done my best trying to support her while she continues to battle her disorder. I've read everything I can find about it. I realize that there isn't a cure for it, that it's something that she will live with for the rest of her life. But I also know that with the treatment she receives, seeing a counselor, and with time, it will get easier for her to deal with.

So backstory all caught up.

She had a really bad flashback last weekend. She was supposed to visit me Saturday and Sunday. Called me early Friday evening crying. The hospital she now works at floated her to the mental health wing. I didn't know this, but it's where she was committed when she was suicidal. It obviously was very traumatic for her and it brought back flashbacks of her friend. I did my best to support her over the phone, and we both decided that I would go to her that night, so I hopped in a Lyft and drove 85 miles to her. When I got to her house she seemed better but was still clearly dealing with it. We talked until 5 in the morning. I held her and just listened for hours as she got it out. I didn't interrupt her, I didn't pour on the cliches, I didn't stop her when she repeated herself, I just sat there holding her hand and listened.

The next day she seemed to be doing better. We went to lunch at the mall (which is a place she wouldn't have gone even six months ago) and did a little shopping. She was still a bit anxious, but I think me being there helped. Had dinner at her friend's house with a few couples she didn't know, and again, seemed to be better then the night before. When we got home, we stayed up again all night talking. It was really nice to be honest. She brought up her flashback two or three times, but it was mainly us just talking about school, laughing, smiling, joking around. Left Sunday morning. All week she seemed to be handling things well, or as well as could be expected. Daily texts, a call here or there, nothing out of the ordinary.

Saturday she worked a 15 hour day shift. Called me when she got home to say goodnight which is our normal routine. Was supposed to work another 12 hour day shift yesterday but got put on call. She called me early morning to say hello, again everything was fine. And then Sunday evening, she started texting me. Sent me a picture of her voicemail with five messages all coming from me this week. Three of them there was no message ( I didn't hang up before voicemail picked up but I didn't leave any message). And the other two were just short how are doing today types. In her text she said "These are all the messages I haven't listened to because it gives me anxiety". I called her a few minutes later and everything seemed fine. She then hung up and sent me a video chat invite. We started chatting and it went downhill from there.

Her mother and stepfather just got approved for a home loan in Myrtle Beach. We live in NY. She is most likely going to move with them.

Gotta back up a minute here. Several weeks ago while talking on the phone she offhandedly made a remark that she could fit two people in her apartment and then asked me if I thought so. I jokingly asked her if she was getting a roommate I didn't know about. She said no, that she was hoping I would move in with her eventually. I told her that would be something I would very much like in the near future. And then again this week we touched on it. I told her that I would like to at least close the gap this fall, maybe get my own place if she wasn't ready to live together and she seemed genuinely excited. I said that I wanted to be closer to her, that I would find some sort of job and continue my education out her way.

So she tells me that she has been thinking for the last four days about moving with her mother. I ask where does that leave us. We talk a bit and I tell her that I would want nothing more then to come with her if that is what she decides. Either way, I want to close the gap and we have months to figure everything out. She again seems excited.

We hang up but she calls again. She isn't saying anything. I ask her whats going on but she won't speak. When she finally does speak, through tears, she tells me it's work related. I ask her to talk about it but she won't so I tell her when she's ready I'm here to listen. She hangs up. Hour later I get a text that reads "I'm sorry love. I can't do this anymore. I'm really sorry. I just can't."

My heart is absolutely broken. She definitely did not seem like herself the last time we talked. And she was crying. I'm not sure what to think right now.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I tried calling once but no answer. She sent a video chat request but when I answered she wasn't there and then she blocked me on Messenger.

I couldn't live with myself if something I said or did caused her any pain. I just wish she would talk to me. She is so much more then my girlfriend, she's my best friend who I love and care about unconditionally. There literally isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for her.

What's going on here folks? Is she afraid that after how her last relationship ended that it'll be the same with me so she's pushing me away now? Did I trigger something? I know that she loves me, that I am certain about. If she didn't she wouldn't have been crying, right?

At a complete loss right now. Sorry for the wall of text. She's in pain and all I want is to talk with her, to tell her I love her unconditionally, that I'll always be here for her no matter what.

What do I do? Send a text? Tell her that I love her, that she's more then just my GF, that she can tell me anything. And then let her know that I'm scared too, but that I think she is worth any fears I might have. And then just tell her that I'm going to give her space and time?

Any and all thoughts, suggestions, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I really do love her, and even if we are done, I don't want to lose her as my friend.
 
Hello @s.jeter99 - welcome. I hope we can give you some insights and support whilst you work through this situation.

I have no doubt that you love and care for this woman very much. I think your devotion to her is admirable and wanting to find out more about how ptsd impacts her (and your life) is useful too.

I am wondering if she has any ongoing therapy happening? I know you mentioned she's been an inpatient but what's going on with treatment since then? Has she told you?

If she isn't doing any therapy or receiving any follow up mental health treatment then that is something that may help her to manage her ptsd. I'm unable to say whether or not it will help your relationship with her because sometimes symptoms can get far worse before they get better, after therapy begins.

I couldn't live with myself if something I said or did caused her any pain.

You are taking on too much responsibility here. Clearly she has a traumatic history and if you have not done anything drastic to her I imagine it's safe to assume that it is her traumatic history that is having this effect on her now. Not something you have or have not done.

I just wish she would talk to me.

She has and it sounds like she's told you a hell of a lot.

So, unless there is something else that is seriously traumatic in her history I think she has given you a lot of information. There is very little you can do right now.

Remember she's lived these experience's whereas you have listened to it. Big difference. That doesn't mean you don't understand but it does mean she's got to manage her symptoms herself.

There literally isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for her.

Red Flag... I think you are quite taken by her. I get that. But don't go over the top. Keep your head on your shoulders for now. It's such a new relationship even if you do sort of know each other from way back when.

Keep some perspective - for your own mental health and stability and also for hers. There are some things you just cannot do for her and that's okay.

If she didn't she wouldn't have been crying, right?

Nah.. people cry for lots of reasons and not all of them because they are feeling the way they intend us to think they are. Facts are much more reliable. I mean she may be over the top distressed or she might also cry at the drop of her hat. Get what I mean? Your relationship is still too new to know for sure.. I think.

all I want is to talk with her, to tell her I love her unconditionally, that I'll always be here for her no matter what.

Red Flag time here. You have started a relationship that is now going onto seven months and it's been a long distance connection. I think way, way way too early for unconditional declarations please! Are you feeling all emotional because she seems to be hurting a lot and you want to race to her and stop the pain and maybe save her? Or something else... Serious self-reflection needs to be done here. Take the emotion out of it. What would you tell your brother or best friend?

Calm down. You have plenty of time to get to that stage of the relationship...

You have plenty of time to get to the co-habitation stage.

If she wants to move into a place with her mother - fine - be fine with that. That shouldn't necessarily hasten or inhibit your relationship status. If it does well that speaks volumes about how committed she is or was.

And then just tell her that I'm going to give her space and time?

Yes!! Well done for working this out. She needs space and time and so do you! You cannot run to her side and undo the trauma etc., so don't even begin to think you can. Giver her space and time, go on with your life. Keep to your own goals. Things will work out if they are meant to.


I really do love her, and even if we are done, I don't want to lose her as my friend.

Then be the best friend you can and wait for her to contact you. She may or may not. But you cannot force her to do so. If she does maybe you could discuss or ask her if she is getting any treatment for her ptsd (since she's told you lots about it all.. so it's not really intrusive)

Or, if you already know she's not, suggest she do so. Expect excuses but resist accepting them. If she is, then maybe she needs to step up the professional support.

You do want to remain her friend I hope. Though you are definitely emotionally invested and it hurts a lot, resist the temptation to text, email, message and etc., to make her respond. I think if you can stay calm, composed and resist getting sucked into the emotional storm she is experiencing you will stand much better chance of looking after yourself, avoid getting hurt and remaining her friend too.

Best of luck :)
 
I couldn't live with myself if something I said or did caused her any pain.

The closest you can come to not causing her pain is to break up right now and never speak to her again. This would result in you causing her pain once. The truth is that people in relationships cause each other pain. It’s just the name of the game. You ARE going to hurt her, repeatedly. What matters is what you do afterwards. And there will be times that you hurt her even after she has asked to to do (or not to do) something specific. It can be impossible to remember everything that effects us. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times my boyfriend has caused me pain, but it’s not his fault as again, it would be impossible for him to remember everything that spikes my symptoms.

She's in pain and all I want is to talk with her, to tell her I love her unconditionally, that I'll always be here for her no matter what.

Please don’t ever tell her this “no matter what” line because it simply isn’t true AND it means that you haven’t mastered the art of setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries are of utmost importance in a PTSD relationship.
 
Wow. I started bawling reading your story, because it reminded me too much of mine. I posted mine under "relationships."

My ex and I were dating for 6 months before everything hit the fan. He was crying the last time I saw him, too. In our case, tho, I know what I did to trigger him. But it's something that happens all the time..people make mistakes; people break up with their loved ones then instantly regret it..I was trying to make amends and working things out with him. He projected an abusive ex onto me, right when we were trying to do that.

And it still hasn't stopped.

Your case is a lot more mysterious. I really can't say what's going on in her head. I think the others are right. It could be any number of things. All you can do is leave her alone for now, as that's what she wants, who knows why? Who knows why someone would block you on Messenger, out of the blue,w no explanation..no expressed anger or explanation of what you did??

With my ex, I was totally confused, too. But he decided "since we aren't in a relationship, I don't owe you an explanation." Boy did that hurt. I ended up blocking HIM.

So if you take my experience as an example, I would NOT reach out to her and ask for anything. You are likely to get slapped back, like I did, and man does it hurt. I've barely stopped crying since our last IM convo.

Just take care of yourself. Go do things that are fun. I know it'll be impossible not to think of her. Hopefully she will get in touch once she has better perspective on how she is feeling.
 
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