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General Girlfriend's past bothers me

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moonbyul

New Here
Hello all,
I am new to the forum and am just dealing with some stuff. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months now. I love her. But I had only had sex with one other person before her (I'm 23) and she has had many, many more partners. She has shared her sexual stories and they have mostly just made me almost grossed out.
I find myself suddenly thinking about some of her stories while we're cuddling and just need to distance myself. The worst one is about her going to and from a party three times. Picking up a new guy each time.
We had a really bad fight recently about all of this and she mentioned rape. She told me that her sexual promiscuity was a coping mechanism for her. That after she had lost all of her power and had sex used against her, she decided to have tons of meaningless sex as a way to give herself the power, and to make sex less meaningful overall. That in upping her count of sexual partners, the rape would be a less significant portion.

Now I don't know how to feel and ultimately I feel like I have not handled any of this well.
Any comments?
Thank you
Byul
 
If someone else performing a normal biological function bothers you so badly, that may not be the right person for you.

It is what it is.
It's also her past, her coping mechanism, her body and her choice. It has nothing to do with you and can't be undone, no matter how much either of you wish it so.
I guess, accept it or don't.
You don't like it? Leave. Don't take it out on her.

Find a more chaste woman if that matters so much to you. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Otherwise, it's her vagina. She can do with it what she pleases.
Likewise, it's your penis. Don't put it where you don't want to.
 
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months now

She told me that her sexual promiscuity was a coping mechanism for her

Any comments?

You’re dating, she shared her past, and it’s bothering you. That’s the beauty of dating....to see if the relationship is compatible and can grow. If it’s bothering you now, your choices are to decide if you can live with the knowledge of her past or, as @Neverthesame writes, you can move on. But, at the end of the day, it is her past and her feelings. You must accept all of her or none of her.

Those are my comments. Take care.
 
Fighting about and judging her sexual history is probably not going to go over well with a rape survivor, especially one with PTSD. Odds are she has dealt with a sea of judgement, even from herself. A partner condemning her is not what she needs.

Ultimately though, as @Neverthesame brought up, if her sexual history is a deal breaker for you, then it is a deal breaker. People have all kinds of deal breakers in relationships. You're allowed to have them.

If you cannot cope with her past you'll have to move on. Nothing will ever change it.
 
I feel for your sensitivity and I’m very glad that nothing THAT bad ever happened to you to make you decide that something precious of yours was cheap and dirty and a weapon...and that your only means of protecting yourself was to not only NOT care about it, but to wield it like a weapon making sure it no longer appeared like treasure to be conquered by anyone. You have evidently been promoted to “not just another ‘anyone’”. Whether or not you prove to be someone who actually cares more about her and the hurt she experienced, or just another “anyone” who cares only how it makes himself feel...I know you can’t understand. I bet she really doesn’t either But she coped in the only way she knew how. Truly, do you care more about HER and HER FEELINGS?, or you/your own? (Please don’t reply/answer me. That question is for YOU to ponder.)
 
Wtf is she doing sharing her past sexual stories with you?

That IS on her. You just don’t do that because nothing good EVER comes of it. The past is the past. Yes, if it’s grossing you out, dollars to donuts she told you more than just her number.

As in, the number is fine, details of how/when/why is too much. No current partner wants or needs to know that.

I’d seriously move on.

And I hope she learns to keep the gory details to herself.
 
That after she had lost all of her power and had sex used against her, she decided to have tons of meaningless sex as a way to give herself the power, and to make sex less meaningful overall. That in upping her count of sexual partners, the rape would be a less significant portion.
Yep. Replacing every bad memory with a thousand good ones. Definitely isn’t for everyone, but for or a lot of people it can work, and work really well.
She has shared her sexual stories and they have mostly just made me almost grossed out.
Thats a totally valid compatibility issue.

I’ve had partners where we lay in bed giggling over shared stories, partners for whom non serious jealousy is a turn on, partners who don’t care one way or the other, and partners for whom the whole thing is a nonstarter. All a matter of personal preference. Shrug.

I tend to place a pretty high value on sex in a relationship, so if I find myself being disgusted by my partner or them disgusted by me? That’s usually a dealbreaker. I don’t tend to place a very high value on food, so I can easily date a vegan who is disgusted by my eating steak just fine. (I’m naming this one Josephine :D) Again, it’s just personal preference and compatibility. There’s no right or wrong, with those, no best way to be. It’s just the ways in which we are. And dating, IMO, is all about lining up ours & someone else’s priorities & preferences.
 
You can't change her past and IMO it's not fair to pass judgement on behavior someone had before you met them (other than being a terrible person, etc). Wanting to have sex isn't a character flaw. For a lot of folks who've been raped it's not only a way to regain your power over your own body, it's also a way to reconnect to something very very basic in a way that's not too intense. If you're sleeping with someone you've just met, you're significantly less likely to have a panic attack, flashback, etc. than you would with a partner you truly trust. If my spouse had judged me for the things I did after I was raped, we most definitely wouldn't be together. I've tortured myself enough trying to replay all of the things I've done in my life that led me to being assaulted, I sure as shit don't need more judgement added on top of it. If you can't handle the way she coped, you should move on for the sake of both of you. You have to like her for who she is, not who you hope she will be.
 
It sounds like it might be, not only bringing up moral judgement around her sexuality, but perhaps some of your own insecurities?
Do you feel like she is going to be sexually untrustworthy?
It's probably that you need to earn her trust too.
She trusted you enough to tell you, that's a really vulnerable position she put herself in, to open up to you.
If you can drop the judgement, maybe you guys have a chance but otherwise, are you being as open with her as she's been with you?
If you are thinking, "well she slept with so many guys, she probably won't be faithful to me", well that's not necessarily so, if you truly love her, forgive her and be open with your thoughts and feelings around it, maybe you can get past it.
Women who have been very hurt, uncared for and used like she has, can use sex to reclaim their self esteem, agency and security, it's not about "using" guys as much as taking back control of our own bodies.
It does no body any favours to ruminate on her past, it's past.
The only way to make it work is to remind yourself she's chosen you now, she's focused on you and has been honest with you and opened up about something as vulnerable as her sexuality. Be mature and forgo the judgement and rumination and be present, choose love instead of fear and judgement, or lose what could be a beautiful open, mature relationship. Can you step up and be mature enough to get past this? This really is a make or break choice and situation.
 
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