Going Ghost & Hypervigilance

So whether one’s boundaries changed in response to living in an ongoing state of emergency, or were written as if it was normal? They often/usually have to be rewritten (or rewritten yet again) to account for NOT an emergency. IE to be/become who we want to be, living life the way we want to.

Clear as mud?
Yes...this makes a lot of sense.
I think if you'd prefer more contact (and there's nothing wrong with that necessarily) that would be expressing a need or want, vs a boundary. (Boundaries are your limits or choices in respect to the other person's behaviours or demands). (Just how I understand it.)

I actually don't want more contact, but feel obligated to still maintain contact/say yes to things I don't want to do because they are family that doesn't overtly abuse me, but they make no effort to see me which makes me feel like they don't care and I simultaneously feel if I went less contact/said no they would feel offended hence I keep the one-sided relationship of me doing everything. Basically, I'm the one that feels obligated and I am learning how to manage that in my relationships.


I am a big fat ghoster. I find the term a bit funny because it only really became that relevant in very recent years. ‘When I were a lass’ it wasn’t uncommon to only speak to a military or over seas parent every six months or by letter. Tough, but ‘not uncommon’. - not ‘not normal’ so the idea of having to reply to texts within the modern expected time frame and not leave someone ‘on read’ when I am tied up in my own stuff and might want to think about something else, or reply rather than react is already …. Much at times- and sure that’s my problem.

I consider people beloved who I haven’t seen or heard from in 15 years. I don’t need to keep up with people to care 😳.

And yep - I am ALSO anxious avoidant - concurrently/ adjacently / in addition to and probably related to but not wholly to the issue of being a bit weirded out by the need for frequent.

The ongoing contact aspect - is sort of both- in that time when we interspersed our letters with infrequent long distance extortionate phone calls occasionally - or you know - just had local social circles - friendships or acquaintances just used to drift away . It was normal. If people diverged in life paths, interest , social groups. Whatever. It’s a sort of natural thing - There is even a thing called ‘Dunbar’s number’ where the researcher, Dunbar, spent time looking at how many people we could realistically maintain close contact with ( hint - it’s a lot fewer than many have as Facebook friends;) )
My boundaries are tough but not without relent - I give people chances - but if it’s untenable to ME I ghost. If there are a few borderlines I ghost. I don’t feel the other person needs my evaluation of their behaviour and I think this is a modern view I struggle with - Who the hell am I to give someone my opinion? No one!! If they ask me it’s one thing , but stepping back to allow drift as it used to be .

In my experience the people who have complained most loudly about being ghosted and asked that it doesn’t happen to them fo not take well to kind friendship dear johns either- one held a several year long vendetta against me. Other times it’s just been blame or lies. Why expose myself to such abuse? I prefer to just accept that life is full of many different outlooks and characters and ours aren’t/ aren’t any longer benefitting one or both parties and move forward .

That sounds like I do it guilt free - I don’t. It’s an agonising choice. I agonise over it with my family ( an abusive situation) a rapist ( she denies it ) as much as I do people I was only online acquaintances with but - maintaining contact is filled with those thoughts AND the discomfort of the illeffects one of us is having on the other or both inflict on each other . I feel ghosting is the least destructive course of action.

I have taken this issue to my T several times as I fear it suggests one of several horrible personality disorders or MH diagnoses for me but T reminds me one trait doesn’t say anything in isolation or without understanding the motivation.

I really think that it’s such a modern dilemma and and example of how we all seem to expect more from each other to satisfy us .
Hmm that sounds blunt - let me try and explain this differently. I sometimes explain to children not to pursue a cat or dog that moves away to stroke it because even if we want to cuddle it the animal is saying no and that needs to be respected. We are understanding that increasingly in sexual situations too. Why should people owe me an explanation of why it’s no ? Their no means no - and that’s all I have to respect

[Weird! The post was still there in my draft- I’ll report the one above for the amazing mods to tidy away - sorry for making work admin team!)