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Going Insane Trying to Accept if I Have PTSD

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by who-am-I, Aug 27, 2007.

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  1. who-am-I

    who-am-I New Member

    Hi all,

    Call me D, or who-am-I since that seemed like a good idea at the time of registration but now I realize it might be hard to use as a name. Maybe call me who. I don't know. I've been up all night reading the forums, other websites, writing in a journal, and struggling.

    On one hand, my current psychologist says I have PTSD with multiple traumas. On the other hand, I am not sure in reading the diagnosis that I *perfectly* fit the criteria. Perhaps part of the reason is that some of the traumas of focus by my psychologist are childhood, and if they are indeed my problem, I can't really remember a time before and after them. It's just my messy life. And I don't know what feelings I have about them or what feelings I had at the time. I don't know if I have dreams about them but I guess that I have some that can be related. I have blocked out a lot of what happened (or maybe I just have a bad memory? Grasping here...) I had another psychiatrist a while back and he seemed to dismiss these because I also kind of did, even though I was pushing him to tell me that something was wrong because deep down I know there is something following me through life. Or maybe this is just who I am. I don't know.

    And on another hand,I feel like I could function pretty well in life now, and much better than in the past, with what I've done to deal with some of these traumas in the last few weeks. I'm pretty much at peace with where they stand now and I'm not so angry anymore. I was really upset in dealing with this one thing in particular, and it sent me off the deep end for a couple weeks drinking and partying when I've been totally sober for many months before. I was having a hard time coming out of the drinking binge afraid to confront my life on the other side, but thought I had a pretty good idea on how I was going to get back my life. And now the psychologist tells me I better hold on for the ride and deal with the PTSD. What if he's wrong about the PTSD? I see a clear option of moving on and having some kind of life right now, and the alternative of feeling like I'm essentially going to be disabled for at least several months or more before I can function again if I give into this idea of having PTSD.

    Hope this post works. I just registered and thought I'd be getting a confirmation from someone that my account was active before I could but I see that I'm logged in.... so here goes.

    - D
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Welcome to the forum Who!

    Many, many of us have childhood trauma's that we can not remember or just barely remember and they haunt our every waking move. It's actually quite common.

    Not sure of what all your symptoms are but if a psych has diagnosed you, chances are yes you have it.

    PTSD does not just "go away" nor does it get better in just a few weeks or months. You can learn to manage it, heal your trauma however, it is not curable.

    It's very very important that you accept this and work hard to come out of denial. It's the first step to healing (and a big hard one!)

    You have started and that is great! There is lot's of different information here. Check out the various sections and numerous threads and I'm sure you'll feel right at home shortly!

    Again, good to have you!

  4. who-am-I

    who-am-I New Member

    What I'm struggling with in entering an outpatient program for PTSD is I can't imagine what there is to pull out of me. I can basically be a functioning person and am not paralyzed or walking around in a panic or with flashbacks all the time. I have some anxiety, not the greatest social skills, have a hard time getting close to people, might need to deal with some sexual and intimacy issues, but what am I going to talk about in group therapy? I can't imagine that there is anything to uncover... I think that I've put it all out there. Maybe something else will resurface? I don't know, but it seems like I need specialized help to function effectively/work through psychological issues in each of the above areas more than to talk about PTSD in general. Even if I do PTSD outpatient program, it still seems like I'll need the more specialized help. I realize that a big part of PTSD treatment is trying to feel these past events, but I think that I've felt them as much as I can without knowing specifically how they tie to my screwed up life. I actually think that I need a lot of therapy on how to just FEEL and then maybe I can look at the past and see something new. It certainly seems safe to say that past events are linked to the problems in my life, and yes I have a lot of feelings about having a screwed up life and that makes me angry about the events, but besides that, I don't know what I can possibly realize/feel that I may be holding in about them or blocking. I have a feeling that a lot would come up for me to talk about in therapy if I were to go out and try to live life again and then see what comes up for me. I feel like my psychologist is telling me to put life on hold for awhile but I really can't figure out what I'll get out of general PTSD group therapy. I'm not going to get into graphic sexual issues in there, am I?
  5. She Cat

    She Cat Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    Hi Who....

    I would first as Anthony for a change of name if you don't like the one you have chosen. He will be kind, and will do it if you just ask.

    Welcome to the forum....It's a great place to come and know that you are safe, and people do understand. (even if sometimes we don't)

  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi D, welcome to the forum. Group therapy is not just about talking about your problems, far far from it. What its about is getting feedback to your experience, your trauma, getting ideas, thoughts and feelings from others, not just a therapist or yourself. This is the purpose of groups with focused / like problems, you get a wide range of experience from a small group of people all whom have the same as you have. Its far from just talking about your trauma.
  7. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    :hello:Hello D, and Welcome!

    You know there are those of us that do understand clearly, all the questions and uncertainties which I can appreciate and understand so much and that you've written in these last two posts. Actually, it makes for a rather tough read for me, bc I can identify so well with your logic, thinking, fear and confusion from my past experience.

    I'll comment on a notion that I once firmly grasped. It is the idea that we are alone and must figure this all out by ourselves vs. trusting. I'll just say that from my experience that route is long, harsh and very confusing for ourselves.

    And something you said, D, which I relate to in your experience. During the time frame in which I so clearly am identifying with you, I too couldn't remember a time before or after trauma.

    After once trusting a psychologist's diagnosis of PTSD for me and becoming willing to do whatever it took to help myself then, I was successfully able allow for drastic changes within me and within my life and escape the continuing re-traumatizations. My life changed enormously through that trust and I was given a completely different wonderful life.

    Then my amnesia, lack of knowledge and later denial set in and I found absolutely no real relief again, until I trusted and became willing to help myself all over again. And, that's what I'm doing in my therapies, and here now on the forum. Willing, Trusting, Participating and Learning, Why? because, I'm Desperate.

    D., I only hope you too are desperate enough to do whatever it takes to help end the amnesia, (not that we necessarily have any control over this, as some may not) but, to help yourself, and to let others help you too.

    Messy is not at all unfamiliar to PTSD sufferers. Rather messy can become normal, familiar, and more and more acceptable to someone with PTSD. Many of us here on the forum know...Messy.

    D., I still too don't know what feelings I have about some of my childhood trauma's and thereafter, nor did I acknowledge many of them then. For me, it has only been in my willingness to again delve deep into my trauma that I am able to again know anything at all about me.

    I do wish you well. There is so much good, very informative insight and info. throughout this whole site, and hope you look for it D, find it, read it, respond if you wish and in so doing you'll meet many of us.

    Sincerely, Hope

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