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Good news!! my youngest son has forgiven me :)

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And I'm absolutely over the moon about it :) I reached out to him through his partner yesterday to apologise for how I let him down and failed to protect him from his evil father and brother and to ask his forgiveness and to ask what if anything I can do to make amends for my part in things.

Within 20 minutes of me messaging his partner I got a reply. Through his partner my youngest son told me that he had definitely accepted my apology and that I am forgiven but at the moment he is not ready to see me or speak to me himself. He needs some time and he needs to see that I'm for real these days and that I'm not going to flip back into denial as I have done before. I can really understand that as I haven't been very consistent in that regard but I did explain about the confusion and doubts his evil father triggered in me with all the lies he had brainwashed me into believing for over two decades and that I have not seen or spoken to that bastard for over 2 months now. I also shared with him that his evil father is going to prison for molesting other kids now and that I was the one who who sussed out it was happening and blew the whistle leading to his arrest. My son was very happy about that as he didn't get justice himself about his father's abuse of him but at last his father has been stopped and other kids have been protected. And given how long the bastard is going down for (anything up to 14 years) there's very little chance of him doing it again because he will likely die in prison being quite old now and not in the best of health. I apologised again to my son for inadvertently standing in the way of his dad getting jailed over him and he said it doesn't matter now because he's about to get jailed over the others. My son said I've done the right thing now even if I didn't do it before and anyway he understands how his evil dad and his mates messed with my head and so it wasn't all my fault. Bless him. I told him I was so very grateful for his understanding and forgiveness and that he had just taken a great load off my shoulders that I don't have to beat myself up about anymore. I'm so proud of my boy for his maturity and wisdom :)

So then I asked him through his partner would I be likely to see him this side of his 21st birthday? It's in August. He said more than likely in fact definitely :) but obviously that's dependent on me behaving myself lol :) meaning staying in Reality and not going back into denial again and hurling abuse at all him like I did before while in that f*cked up state. So I told him I'm getting on for 3 weeks sober and going to church and AA meetings and the relapse prevention group at the drug and alcohol clinic. So it's highly unlikely that now I've accepted the truth however ugly it is that will ever happen again. Obviously words are cheap and actions speak louder than words so the onus is on me to prove I'm being responsible and sincere now. I told my youngest son I was willing and prepared to go to any lengths he requires of me to prove my love to him and to prove my trustworthiness. I also told him if he wants to do family therapy with me I'm cool with that. My boy then said through his partner that probably won't be necessary but he thanked me for offering. Bless him :)

Then he told me that he is starting hormone therapy as part of his transition soon. My lad is transgender he was born in a female body. So that was another reason he wouldn't be seeing me soon as that's a lot to deal with and I told him I completely understood. I don't lol :) but if that's what my boy needs to feel comfortable in his own skin and new gender identity then that's fine by me because his happiness is all I care about now even if I was selfish before when I wasted deep in active addiction. I told him that I'm trying to understand his transgender issues as much as I possibly can because I know how important it is to him. I also told my lad that it doesn't matter to me what gender he identifies as because he will always be my child and as such I will love him no matter what. His partner then told me that he was sitting there crying tears of joy and I was as well by then too :) his partner also told me that my son had been thinking about and talking about me a lot lately and had been missing me dreadfully and had been hoping I would contact him. He didn't want to make the first move as he wasn't sure what reception he would get from me because of my previous anger and denial. I said it was up to me to reach out because my son had done nothing wrong and that it was me who had been out of order not him. I said I was the parent and he was the kid not the other way round and up till now I'd been a bloody awful parent but I'm intending to put that right now :)

So we finished the conversation with me wishing him luck with the hormone treatment and I told my youngest son I really would wait his time this time and not be angrily impatient like I was before. I told him his needs come above mine and they always should have but they didn't because of my addictions and what his evil dad was doing to me to hurt and scare me. I told my lad I'm not in survival mode now because nobody is brutalising or terrorising me now and I'm not f*cking myself up with booze and pot in order to cope with it now and I never will again because I'm never going to be in such an abusive situation ever again in my life. I told my lad not to worry about me because I'm going to be alright now. But I did ask him to send a prayer Upstairs every night for me as I do for him until we meet again :) bless him his partner then said he said he prays for me all the time :) I then said 'keep doing it because it's working!!' lol :)

So there you go folks that's my Easter present for me and my youngest son and now I have lots of hope again about us being able to rebuild our relationship and move forward together into the future :) I'm so happy I could do a bloody jig!!! :) his partner is a lovely person too they identify as non binary but veer more towards the feminine end of the LGBTQI spectrum. I'm on it too being bisexual. Whatever floats your boat that's what I say :) and I'm chuffed to bits my youngest son has such a nice partner who obviously loves him as much as I do and cares for him and looks after him really well :)

All in all its been the best Easter I've had for a bloody long time peeps :) new life new beginnings new HOPE. Praise be :)

Cheers

Boudicca xx
 
Thanks you two :) I appreciate your support more than you know :) xx

Oh sorry Justmehere Daydreamer and somerandomguy I meant to thank you too :) bless you all I'm so grateful for the support xx
 
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