Goodbye video


I have suicidal ideation constantly. Every so often it gets more serious but I don’t talk to anyone about that & (obviously) it hasn’t happened.

Yesterday I wasn’t doing well & I made a little goodbye video on my phone… just in case.

I watched it and… I was shocked. It was like looking at a diff person. And that person seems to be in so much pain


self-awareness is a powerful tool. the awareness of just how much i change when i am in a psychotic episode helped me be more patient with myself. i certainly wouldn't add to the pain load of a passerby who looked like that.

steadying support while you figure out what to do with your new awareness, smile.


that reaction to that video is valuable, save your life valuable. I call it a "breadcrumb" as in leaving a trail of breadcrumbs so you can find your way back- as in the story of Hansel and Gretel if that is even relatable. They left a trail of breadcrumbs so they could find their way home which was probably promptly eaten by any one of the hundreds of critters just waiting for them to go around a corner out of sight, which is why they couldn't find their way back from the witches house deep in the woods.......the details elude me.
I just call it a breadcrumb because it can easily be lost but if remembered at the right time can save your life.
My breadcrumbs are many, and I make myself go through them all every time i start thinking about suicide and I have so far found my way back every time. And the way memory works, recalling something over and over strengthens the mind muscles, which sucks too because thats what PTSD is at a basic level-muscle bound and unable to forget the wrong trails.
Keep that reaction memory strong, it is save your life level valuable