Grateful for love, but it can't be a substitute for self-love

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I'm very triggered, and partly intended to write another post about how I fear I've done something to alienate my bf and try to assess the reality of it or is it the ptsd? That happens quite frequently with me because my dad would punish me severely for the most innocuous deeds or words. I grew up feeling that to survive, I had to choose myself or him, and I always chose him, which left me feeling guilty on top of everything. Each time I get triggered, I feel with every fiber of my being that I had done something so wrong that my bf could surely never stay with me. I become consumed with fear and panic.

In many ways, I feel safe and accepted by my bf. I've been so grateful to have found him that I've allowed myself to open up and feel the love, despite feeling exposed and vulnerable. I think that it's been good to allow myself to trust and love another, as well as to work through the fear and panic when I'm triggered and check it against the reality of the situation. But I realized today that the way I was coping was still focused on him and whether I did or didn't upset him. It was hard, but I forced myself to focus on myself and instead of trying to run from the panic, to own and feel it. Instead of scrutinizing my deeds and words of last night, I instead sympathized with how the inner child was feeling and said to her that whatever happened, I would always love her and that she was allowed to be imperfect. Even if my bf left me, I would never again seek to scrutinize and condemn her for the sake of another's pleasure. I don't know if this is making any sense, but it was super helpful for me to refocus on myself and figure out what my needs were versus my bf's. Anyway, I thought I'd share this because it was helpful for me, and I hoped it could be helpful to someone else. I feel that relationships are really hard to navigate with the complications that cptsd contributes.
 

Widow_of_one

Confident
I'm very triggered, and partly intended to write another post about how I fear I've done something to alienate my bf and try to assess the reality of it or is it the ptsd? That happens quite frequently with me because my dad would punish me severely for the most innocuous deeds or words. I grew up feeling that to survive, I had to choose myself or him, and I always chose him, which left me feeling guilty on top of everything. Each time I get triggered, I feel with every fiber of my being that I had done something so wrong that my bf could surely never stay with me. I become consumed with fear and panic.

In many ways, I feel safe and accepted by my bf. I've been so grateful to have found him that I've allowed myself to open up and feel the love, despite feeling exposed and vulnerable. I think that it's been good to allow myself to trust and love another, as well as to work through the fear and panic when I'm triggered and check it against the reality of the situation. But I realized today that the way I was coping was still focused on him and whether I did or didn't upset him. It was hard, but I forced myself to focus on myself and instead of trying to run from the panic, to own and feel it. Instead of scrutinizing my deeds and words of last night, I instead sympathized with how the inner child was feeling and said to her that whatever happened, I would always love her and that she was allowed to be imperfect. Even if my bf left me, I would never again seek to scrutinize and condemn her for the sake of another's pleasure. I don't know if this is making any sense, but it was super helpful for me to refocus on myself and figure out what my needs were versus my bf's. Anyway, I thought I'd share this because it was helpful for me, and I hoped it could be helpful to someone else. I feel that relationships are really hard to navigate with the complications that cptsd contributes.

Omg! What you said really hits what I am going through right now! Yes having c-ptsd makes life’s journey hellish. For myself it is being naive to other people’s motives!! Wow yes “focus on your needs. He focuses on his. And by taking care of yourself and him taking care of himself you can come to a relationship fully as individuals!”
Your comment absolutely hit the spot!!
 

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks for replying, @Widow_of_one. I'm glad to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. Just to update the situation, as usual, my fears and panic had absolutely no basis in truth. The very next time I saw him after my freak out, he was beaming, loving, supportive, etc. as he has been. After close to two years, we still feel like we're in the honey moon stage. Yet when I wrote the original post, I was convinced that I was despised by him beyond any point of redemption. I was convinced he was ready to dump me, and I had run through the impending break up several times in my head, preparing myself. I sit here knowing that I could go to the brink again tomorrow.

But his support has definitely chipped away at the mistrust and suspicions. And maybe only because I feel more secure, I made that choice to focus on myself instead of feeling completely at his mercy and it made a difference.
 
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